


The Oncoming Storm

by ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Dark, Dark!13, F/F, Femslash, Five Stages of Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Intense, Loss of Control, Loss of Identity, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, River dealing with her wife's trauma, Sex as Coping Mechanism, Space Wives, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:29:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25289101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars/pseuds/ElsaIsThereLifeOnMars
Summary: When River finds the Doctor in the Jadoon prison, she hardly recognises her, bent and broken, a shadow of herself. Will she be able to put the pieces back together, and find out what happened to her before the Doctor loses herself altogether? Time is of the essence, as the Doctor's enemies have learned of her incarceration, and sense their opportunity to attack the place the Doctor cares for most: Earth.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 138
Kudos: 164





	1. Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I didn't expect to be starting another longer project again so soon but I'm really excited about this. A bit of a change from my last two multi-chapter fics, little bit less action/adventure, more angst and dark, just fancied a bit of a challenge. Don't expect me to update as quickly as usual, it's a bit more challenging to write lol but I will try my best. Just give it a chance, I have a plan for this and really hope I can do it justice. It's a continuation of a little short I already posted in my short story collection but I changed things around a little and went from there. Enjoy and let me know what you think :)

**Chapter 1: Broken**

The Doctor had collapsed on the floor when River teleported into her cell. There was no-one else around, utter silence, apart from the Doctor’s shallow breathing and groans of discomfort. River had no way of knowing how long it had been for her wife, but the sight of her broke her heart. She had tried to get here as quickly as she could, but it seemed as if she was almost too late. Her body looked bent and broken, small and fragile in the centre of the cell. There was blood too, it had dried to the Doctor’s hands, face and hair.

“Doctor.“ She dropped to her knees next to her, and gathered her into her arms.

“River?“ The Doctor’s eyes fluttered but didn’t open properly, she was too weak, too tired, oh so _tired_ … She smiled a little and then laughed softly, her voice raw and rough, as if she hadn’t spoken in a very very long time. “Of course you’re here… why wouldn’t you be here. I’ve lost it at last. Hallucinating probably. Brain shutting down. Clever brain. Knowing I’d want you here at the end.“

“It’s me, Sweetie, I’ve come to get you out.“

“You’re dead. Everyone’s dead by now, I don’t even know how long I’ve been here, I really hope I don’t regenerate again, can’t take any more lifetimes of this… But knowing the universe I probably will… what a cosmic joke…“ Her voice trailed off.

“Hold on, Doctor, just hold on…“ River lifted her up like she was nothing. She had lost a lot of weight too. Quickly River teleported them back to the Tardis, straight into the bathroom, where she sat her up against the bathtub. Quickly, she got her a cup of water. “Come on, Sweetie, stay with me.“ She whispered as she tipped her head back, and poured a bit of water into her mouth. She drank, almost automatically but didn’t speak, didn’t even open her eyes… River just looked at her, her hearts aching. What had happened to her in there? “I’m sorry about this, love…“ She whispered and chucked the rest of the water in her wife’s face.

“What the…!“ The Doctor gasped, pulled back to reality with a start by the uncomfortable rude awakening. She looked around disoriented. It took a moment for her to focus on River. “River?“

“Hello, Sweetie.“ River smiled and gathered her into her arms. She kissed the top of her head, feeling an incredible sense of relief as she pulled her close. The Doctor instinctively rested her head against her chest and closed her eyes. She was beyond exhausted.

“How… how are you here?“ She whispered in disbelief. She still wasn’t sure if this was real or not. The fogginess that surrounded her brain was lifting a little, but she didn’t trust her senses. They had betrayed her so many times over the last… how long had it been? Years? Decades? _Centuries_? She didn’t even know anymore. There had been no day or night, just the emptiness of space outside the window. Nothing to measure the passing of time by, not even regular meals… How could she be sure River was actually real? “How did you… The Library…“

“Spoilers…“ River chuckled softly and brushed her hand against her cheek. “Been there, done that. Let’s get you cleaned up.“ Gently she sat her up, and pushed her light blue coat off her shoulders. The Doctor stared back at her unable to find words, she tensed up. “It’s okay.“ River reassured her but she felt her hearts sink. She had never seen the Doctor like this. In any of their forms, wherever, whenever, they had met, they had never flinched or tensed to her touch. “You’ll feel better, I promise.“ River whispered and kissed her forehead. The Doctor swallowed and nodded a little, allowing her to carry on. She brushed her braces down, and lifted her arms a little so River could pull her t-shirt off over her head. Under different circumstances, River would have taken a moment to admire her body. This regeneration of the Doctor had become a fast favourite with her. She was probably the most attractive she’d ever seen her, but all she could think was how thin she looked.

“I can do that…“ The Doctor mumbled, when River’s hands hovered over the button of her high waisted trousers.

“Okay…“ River nodded. She didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so she helped her to her feet.

“Can you…“ The Doctor averted her eyes and blushed a little, feeling self-conscious. River looked back at her confused. “… turn around?“ She continued, when she didn’t get the hint.

“Oh!“ River turned, if only to hide the expression of hurt. The request felt like a slap in the face, but she knew her own feelings were of no consequence right now. She knew she couldn’t blame her. She had no idea what had happened to her, how long she had been in there, how long it had been since she had last seen her or if she even believed it was her at all. But it still hurt.

The Doctor turned around as well, gripping on to the bathtub for support, as she struggled to stand. She felt so weak, her body ached all over. She unbuttoned her trousers and slid them down. “Fuck…“ She winced, as her legs gave way for a moment. She managed to catch herself on the bathtub.

“Are you okay?“ River turned around instinctively, rushing back over to her to hold her up. “Darling, let me help…“ Her voice faltered, when she spotted her bruises covering the Doctor's upper body, purple and garish against her pale skin. “What happened?“ She whispered in shock.

“I… I don’t even know anymore…“ The Doctor shook her head, her mind had shut it all out. She took a deep breath, before the feeling of desperation could overcome her. “I’m fine, totally fine…“ She insisted, repeating it like a mantra.

“Oh Doctor…“ River wrapped her arms around her, unable to keep her distance. She wrapped one arm around her stomach, one around her chest, holding her closer and tighter than she probably should have, judging by the bruises.

“Are you really here?“ The Doctor whispered, grabbing on to River’s arms that felt firm and warm and _real_ around her.

“I’m here.“ River tightened her grip even more, as if to make a point. The Doctor sobbed, tears finally falling from her tired eyes. She hadn’t cried in so long. After a time, there had been no tears left, and she had gone numb to protect herself. “I promise, you will be okay.“ River assured her with steely determination. She tried her best to keep her rage and anger out of her voice. She didn't want to let her see that side of her, but she swore if she ever found out who did this to her, to her _wife_ , she would surely kill them. But for now, she had to look after her, revenge would come later. “I’m here, please let me help.“ 

“What took you so long?“ The Doctor sobbed, her voice broken and defeated, and River’s hearts broke all over again.

“I’m so sorry, I came as quickly as I could.“ River closed her eyes for a moment, to prevent her own tears from falling. She couldn’t believe that it had been so long for the Doctor, the Tardis had come to find her and brought her here, why hadn’t it brought her to an earlier point in time? She pushed the thoughts aside for now, the damage was done and she had to deal with the consequences now. Carefully she let go of her and took a little step back. She moved her hands down and undid her bra, before running her fingertips carefully over the bruises on her lower back to examine them. They stretched around to her side. The Doctor winced.

“Please don’t.“ She pleaded and River pulled away quickly. She carried on with helping her out of her clothes, and pushed her pants down for her to step out of. She reached around her and turned the water on, checking that it was a pleasant temperature.

“I don’t want you to see me like this…“ The Doctor mumbled, hugging her arms around herself self-consciously.

“Please let me help.“ River practically begged, and when her wife gave a little nod, she scooped her up and sat her in the bathtub. The Doctor leaned forward, hugging her arms around her legs. She rested her head against her knees. Admittedly, the water was pleasant and soothing, as it slowly rose up the sides of the bathtub engulfing her arching body. She relaxed a little, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “You will be okay.“ River stroked her hair, reassuring herself just as much as her. She brushed her hair aside carefully, to expose the source of the blood. The gash on her temple appeared to be healing alright, which was a relief. She wanted to ask so many questions about what happened: how had she got there, who did this to her, why were they keeping her... but she knew it wasn’t the time. So she just waited, silently stroking her hair, making sure she knew she was safe.

Bit by bit, the Doctor began to relax, enjoying the feeling of the water around her. She spread out her fingers, hardly even aware of the fact she kept them balled into fists the majority of the time. She dragged her hand through the water absentmindedly, washing the blood off them. The one thing that struck her as odd was that her hands didn’t seem to have aged. In fact, as she looked down herself she realised she hadn't aged since the time of her incarceration. How long had she been there for? She had still aged, when she had been on Trenzalore for 900 years, she had grown old there. How, after all this time, had she not aged in her cell?

River caught her attention, as she leaned over to reach for soap and shampoo. River hadn’t changed either. She looked about the right age to have been at the Library. Only, that wasn’t possible because then she would be nothing but a data ghost. Did she believe that River had found a way out of it? She wasn’t sure. None of this seemed to add up. The most plausible explanation was that this was just another hopelessly romantic hallucination; her brain tricking her and locking herself in a pleasant place to avoid reality. It wouldn’t be the first time, so she couldn’t be sure, but she was desperate for this to be real. She looked up at River, who passed her the soap, and sat herself up on the side of the bathtub.

“Lean back, darling.“ River said softly, touching her hand to her shoulder. The Doctor managed a small smile, deciding to give into the the comfort of it all. If it was a hallucination, she might as well try to enjoy it, and if it wasn’t… Her heart warmed as she watched River, her beautiful curls turning extra frizzy in the steam of the bath. River carefully wetted the Doctor’s hair with the shower head, before turning the water off. She squeezed some shampoo into her hand, and began massaging it into the Doctor’s hair, careful not to touch the cut. “I love this hair of yours.“ She mused, almost like she was thinking out loud.

“Have you met this version of me before?“ The Doctor asked, trying to get some context.

“More spoilers.“ River chuckled, feeling a little better for seeing the Doctor relax. They carried on in pleasant silence, neither of them wanting to ask too many probing questions. Instead, they enjoyed the peace and quiet. The Doctor felt her exhaustion catching up with her. With the warm water around her and River’s reassuring soft touch against her back, she threatened to drift off to sleep at any moment. “Let’s get you out and into bed.“ River’s voice made the Doctor jump a little, just as her eyes had fallen shut for just a moment. She looked up to see River retrieving a towel. The Doctor was so exhausted, the didn’t even object to her helping her up. River draped the towel around her and helped her get out of the tub, steadying her against herself. “Can you walk?“

“I…“ The Doctor pushed herself off River a little, trying to properly stand on her own feet. She felt incredibly weak still. “I don’t think so…“ She admitted as tears sprung to her eyes again. She hated this. She hated feeling helpless, and having to rely on others. She hated being weak. She didn’t want anyone seeing her like this, but she knew if she tried to take a step, her legs would give way.

“It’s okay.“ River assured her as she scooped her up again. “You need to eat something, it’s no wonder you can’t keep yourself upright.“ The Doctor pulled the towel tight around herself. River held her close as she carried her into the adjoining bedroom. “When was the last time you’ve eaten?“ She asked carefully, she didn’t want to push too much, but she needed to find out what happened.

“I… I don’t remember.“ The Doctor answered truthfully, as she sat her down on the bed. She looked up at her wife. She hated seeing the pity and worry in her eyes. “It makes no sense.“ She took a deep breath to stop herself from crying, she looked to the floor and pulled the towel tighter again. “I don’t seem to have aged but centuries have passed for me.“

“I’d say maybe a couple of weeks by the looks of you? With very little food or water…“ River said quietly and sat next the her. The Doctor didn’t answer, she kept drying herself off. She winced as she tried raising the towel above her head to do her hair.

“Let me.“ River took the towel off her, and the Doctor placed her arms either side of her body, grabbing on to the edge of the bed, as she allowed her to carry on. “Who did this to you?“ River couldn’t keep herself from asking any longer. She draped the towel back over her shoulders, when she was done with her hair, and had another closer look at the bruises on her back. The Doctor flinched and pulled away, but River wouldn’t let her this time. She looped her arm around her shoulders and held her close. “What happened Doctor?“ She asked again more firmly, holding her tightly, she could feel her shaking. “I need to know who it was so I can kill them.“ 

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know!“ The Doctor exclaimed upset. “Don’t you think if I remembered I would have told you by now?“ She sobbed. “I don’t remember anything. It was so long ago, didn’t you listen when I said it’s been _centuries_? I don’t know who they were or what they wanted.“ She had locked the experiences away at the back of her mind, and it soon had faded into a very distant memory. She had had plenty of time to forget during her seemingly never ending isolation.

“Doctor, these bruises are a week old at the most.“ River said calmly.

“Then something was wrong with the passing of time in that place!“ The Doctor pulled away, pushed her off her. “There was no day or night, no clocks, no people, but I counted. There were weeks when I did nothing but count: the seconds, minutes, hours. Do you know how many seconds a week has? 604800. The numbers were driving me mad. That was _after_ I spent God knows how long, trying to devise a way out of there. _After_ copying every star I could see from my window onto my cell walls, to triangulate my position and figure out where I was in the universe. And _then,_ I recounted _everything_ I had experienced to myself. Anything to keep me sane and remember who I was. To remember the people who mattered to me once. Remember _you_.“ She stabbed her finger at her accusingly. “Can you imagine how many times I thought of you, trapped in the Library for all eternity like I was trapped there? Just dreaming up ways of how I would come and save you, if I ever made it out of there. So many times I tried to reach out to you, to anyone, but there was nothing but the empty space around me, and the quiet and the second, the minutes, the hours, the _years_ ticking by.“ She buried her face in her hands catching her tears, her body shaking with her sobs and River cried too. She did her best to hide it, she wiped her eyes quickly and took a deep breath, but the pain struck deep. She couldn’t find words, she just looked at her wife, too scared to even reach out and touch her right now.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get there sooner.“ River’s voice was barely more than a whisper and thick with tears. The Doctor wasn’t even listening, she hugged her arms around herself, seeking comfort the way she had grown accustomed to. River’s hearts broke all over again at seeing her like this. She looked so small and timid and broken, nothing like the Doctor she knew, just a shadow of her. How was she going to bring her back to herself? How would she pick up the pieces. “You need to rest.“ She said almost automatically and got to her feet. “And I will get you something to eat, you need to eat…“ She ran her hand through her curls, trying to think about what to do.

“Don’t go, please.“ The Doctor’s voice was weak but she looked up, reached out, held out her hand to River who immediately took it. The pleading look in her eyes was too much.

“Let’s get you into bed.“ River offered softly, gesturing for her to move up the bed and the Doctor did so reluctantly.

“I don’t want to go to sleep.“ She said weakly.

“You need to rest, Sweetie.“ 

“But what if I wake up and I’m back there? What if all this is just a dream and I’ve not really left.“ There was genuinely fear in her eyes. She was absolutely terrified of that possibility.

“You’re here, Darling, you’re abroad the Tardis, you’re here with me.“ River said firmly, she took her wife’s hand and pressed it to her chest. “See?“ The Doctor felt the beating of her hearts beneath her fingertips, so real and _alive_. “I’m not a ghost, I’m real and I’m here, with you. I’m sorry for letting you down before, for now getting to you sooner, but I’m here now and I will do what I can.“ River manoeuvred her up a bit further and pulled up the covers to tuck her in and cover her fragile body.

“Please don't go, River.“ The Doctor grabbed hold of her shirt and River lay down next to her, pulling her into her arms. She felt so incredibly small.

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got you.“ She assured her holding her close.

“I’ve missed you so much.“ The Doctor confessed, fresh tears falling from her eyes, though her exhaustion threatened to overcome her.

“I’m not going anywhere.“ River repeated and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Can you… can you kiss me? So that if this is just a dream, at least…“ River didn’t let her finish, she pushed her chin up and captured her lips in a kiss, desperate and passionate, trying to convey everything she couldn’t find the words for. And the Doctor kissed her back, swallowing a sob and pulling herself closer to her. When River pulled back, the Doctor had fallen asleep, overwhelmed by her exhaustion.


	2. Rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thank you for your lovely comments! As predicted, it's taking a bit longer to write these chapters but I'm having a really good time and a nice change. Hope you enjoy this next chapter, there will be angst and it's getting more intense, be warned lol.

**Chapter 2: Rage**

“Don’t play dumb with us, Doctor.“ The female voice seemed to come from far away, the Doctor’s brain had gone fuzzy. Her ears were ringing, she struggled to breath. There was a stabbing pain in her left side, her skull felt like it was going to split in two and the taste and smell of blood overwhelmed her remaining senses. She coughed, gasping for air, she turned to her side and spat out blood. Probably a few broken ribs - nothing to worry about - a concussion that would explain the headache, ringing and nausea… The blood and split lip had just been a blunt blow to the jaw - nothing she couldn’t handle. She pushed herself up on one arm, grabbing hold of her side and winced, as the pressure only increased the sharp pain.

“Answer.“ Another voice, this one male, yelled and a kick to her stomach winded her and sent her flying. She flipped over twice, before hitting the ground with a painful thud. Maybe not so manageable anymore… she gasped for air as she pushed herself up, but her hands slipped on blood gushing from a head wound. She felt dizzy and she could only manage shallow breaths that hurt like hell. She tried to get up again but gave a strangled cry, when someone stepped on her back and pushed her back down.

“Stay down, Doctor, and answer our questions.“

“I don’t- I don’t know what you want from me.“ She whimpered, pain shooting through her body. She coughed up blood, trying to clear her airway somehow, but he held her down. “ _Please_.“ She sobbed.

“You’re pathetic.“ The female voice mocked her as they stepped off her, and the Doctor managed to take a breath, before another painful kick to the side threw her onto her back. She cried out in pain, unable to keep a brave face. She looked up, her vision blurry, she only barely managed to make out the two figures standing over her. Only their voices distinguished them in the dark of the cell. “The mighty Doctor, just a scared little girl now.“ 

The Doctor tried to push herself up on her elbows, but the pain got worse with ever shallow breath. One of the figures knelt down, grabbed her by the throat and pushed her down, knocking her head against the hard floor of her cell. “Don’t worry, we won’t kill you just to regenerate and heal you right up.“ The female voice carried on mocking her.

“If you want this to stop, just answer our question.“ The male voice chuckled. They were both enjoying this too much. The grip around her throat tightened.

“I don’t know, please…“ The Doctor whimpered.

“Doctor? Doctor!“ The Doctor came to with a start, completely disoriented. Her chest felt tight, she couldn’t breath, her mind was struggling to catch up. She knocked the figure off that was shaking her, and thrashed around to protect herself. “Doctor!“ The figure was back on top of her, trying to restrain her. “Doctor, _stop_!“

“Get off me!“ The Doctor shouted, fighting back she took a swing at her attacker.

“Fuck!“ River backed away, she buried her face in her hands for a moment groaning in annoyance and pain. When she lifted her head again, she realised her nose was bleeding. She looked back at the Doctor, who was slowly realising where she was. She stared back at River in shock. “Feel better now?“ River winced, as she touched her nose. She didn’t think it was broken, but it had been quite the right hook.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry.“ The Doctor clasped her hands to her mouth, realising what she had done.

“You seemed to be having bad dream so I tried to wake you, I’ve learned my lesson.“ River huffed and went fishing for the towel, that they had abandoned by the foot of the bed, to try and stem the bleeding.

“I’m sorry, it was still so real, I thought I was still there and you were…“ The Doctor broke off as she looked around her bedroom. It actually was _her_ bedroom, this _was_ her Tardis. “So I’m really here? It wasn’t just a dream?“

“Sure feels real to me.“ River sighed, pressing the towel to her nose and put her head back.

“I… I’m so sorry, my brain just didn’t catch up, I thought you were… I didn’t even recognise you. How did I not recognise you?“ The Doctor looked as her hands, bewildered and unsettled, as she was trying to make sense of what had happened.

“It’s okay, I’ll live, you were… what you were dreaming about, it must have been…“ River didn’t really know how to best ask what she wanted to know. “Was it about what happened to you in prison?“ The Doctor nodded slowly. “What was it? What happened? You said you couldn’t remember before…“ River wasn’t sure if this was the best time to ask but before, the Doctor had claimed she didn’t remember, so she saw her opportunity for some answers. The look on her wife’s face immediately made her regret the probing question.

“I don’t want to talk about it.“ The Doctor shook her head decisively. She buried her face in her hands and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to keep her mind from going back to that place.

“It's fine, you don’t have to.“ River soothed her, it wasn’t the right time to push. “How about you get dressed while I make you some food?“ She offered. Slightly confused the Doctor looked up at her and then down herself, realising she was stark naked still.

“Oh, yeah…“ She realised.

“Have some water, too.“ River pointed to the glass of water on the nightstand, that she had placed there earlier. She needed to rehydrate. The Doctor nodded slowly and reached over for the glass. Stretching her back as she did so, she winced a little but she felt a lot better than she had. Sleeping in a bed again had a miraculous effect.

“Ohh custard creams!“ She grinned, as she found a half open packet behind a picture frame on her bedside table.

“You’ll need to eat something proper, I’m not sure biscuits are the best way to…“ River wanted to argue, that her body would need a little bit of time to adjust to food again, and that biscuits were probably not the best way to reintroduce food, but the Doctor had already stuffed a whole custard cream into her mouth.

“Sorry what?“ She asked, her words barely intelligible before gulping down some water.

“Never mind.“ River smiled, feeling a sense of relief seeing the Doctor return to her old ways. “I’ll be in the kitchen.“ She got to her feet giving the Doctor one more slightly amused look, before leaving the room. For a moment, the Doctor just looked at the packet in her hands, then a wave of nausea came over her. Unfortunately, as usual, her wife had been right. She coughed and bent over, burying her face in her hands, as she waited for the wave of sickness to pass, doing her best to keep the biscuit down. There was silence around her now, she was alone which was just as well as she couldn’t keep the facade up any longer. She didn’t want River to see her like this. She hugged her arms around herself as her tears started falling again, silent tears, as she tried to be quiet just in case River was still close by. Almost like phantom pain, she felt a sharp kick to her side, a heavy boot pressing down on her back. She thrashed around herself, spilling the water, trying to make it go away.

“Stop. Just _stop_.“ She whimpered, pressing her hands to her ears, trying to silence the mocking voices, but the dream had revived the memories that she had buried deep inside. Even though she didn’t know who they were or what they wanted, she remembered what they had done to her all too vividly now. “Just stop!“ She shouted, anger suddenly drowning out any other emotion. There was no reason to be scared now, she was safe in her Tardis, there was just anger and rage. She hated that the memories had this effect on her, she hated feeling like this, she hated being weak in front of her wife. Hate. Rage. Anger. It was a spectrum of emotion she had always kept tightly controlled, reserved for only the most dire of circumstances, the most horrid of people, but it flowed freely through her now, drowning out the pain, and replacing it with something more consuming. 

_“Just a scared little girl.“_

“Shut up!“ She yelled, and threw the glass across the room. It knocked into the wall and smashed into hundreds of pieces. The ear-piercing sound pulled her back to reality, and she sat still for a moment feeling empty and distant, just observing, and taken aback by her own actions. What was happening to her? What had her experiences turned her into? She took a deep breath pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind and got out of bed, careful to stay clear of the glass shards. She found her set of PJs at the bottom of the bed and pulled on the shorts. The vest was more difficult, moving her upper body was still painful, but it was becoming bearable. She was still unsteady on her feet, but she managed to cross the room and make her way down the hallway, slowly holding on to the wall for support.

“I didn’t figure you for a domestic goddess.“ The Doctor joked weakly, leaning in the doorframe as she reached the kitchen. River was standing at the stove cooking, she turned around with a half smile, happy to see her up and about.

“I can manage some scrambled eggs.“ She retorted, giving a little wave with a wooden spoon.

“I’ve never seen you cook.“ The Doctor said, as if she realised it for the first time.

“We did spend 24 years in a hotel, so there was no need.“ River reminded her, turning back to the pan.

“So you’ve been to Darillium?“ The Doctor deduced.

“Of course. And the library, as I told you. You don’t believe me, do you?“ River chuckled. “That’s fine, you don’t need to, probably best not to get into it.“ She tipped the eggs onto a plate. “Sit.“ She gestured towards the breakfast bar, and the Doctor slowly made her way up. She pulled herself onto the bar stool, as her wife sat the plate down in front of her.

“Thanks…“ The Doctor watched her, as she turned to get her a glass of water as well. She looked down at the food to avoid River catch her watching her when she turned back. She picked up her fork, and started pushing the eggs around her plate. She still felt sick from the biscuit.

“You need to eat.“ River said, sensing her hesitation.

“I know…“ The Doctor mumbled and skewered a bit of egg. Neither of them said anything. It was a heavy and uncomfortable sort of silence, both of them had things they wanted to say and ask, that they were reluctant to voice. The Doctor put a bit of egg in her mouth. Swallowing and keeping it down was a struggle, but she knew she needed to gain her strength back. The food was nice and comforting.

“I want to go back.“ She said after a little while without looking up. She was doing her best to keep eating.

“What?“ River looked at her confused.

“I want to go back. I want to find out who the people were that attacked me, and how long I was there for.“ The Doctor explained, before taking another bite.

“Doctor, I don’t think that’s a good idea…“ River replied slowly. She also wanted to find out what had happened, but the Doctor was in no fit state to go anywhere or do anything, least of all be confronted with the trauma again so soon. She needed to heal first.

“You been bugging me about what happened.“ The Doctor frowned.

“Yes but I don’t think going back there, _right_ _now_ , is a good idea. Why don’t you tell me what you remember first?“ River said, hoping to get something out of her. The Doctor shook her head.

“I didn't see their faces, I need to know if there is video footage.“ She insisted, she didn’t want to share the ins and outs of what had happened, she just wanted to know who they were so she could find them.

“Well, not right now, you’re in no shape for it. We need to fix you up first.“ River reasoned. She reached out and took her wife’s free hand, while the Doctor aggressively stabbed her food with the other. She should tell she was getting agitated.

“I am not _broken_!“ The Doctor hissed angrily and pulled her hand away.

“I didn’t say that.“ River replied softly, as she watched the conflicting emotions playing on her wife’s face. There was hurt, anger and frustration. A sort of sadness, a distance and a silent rage. It worried her, particularly when she went very quiet, just staring at her plate. River walked around the breakfast bar. “You have been through an awful lot and I don’t think it would be a good idea to rush into doing something about it. “

“I’ve been through way worse than this, I’m _fine_.“ The Doctor pressed through gritted teeth, she threw her fork down and pushed the plate away from her.

“It’s okay not to be fine every now and then.“ River tried soothing her as she stepped up to her, and touched her hand to her shoulder.

“What are you planning on doing here anyway? Play house and hope all the bad stuff just goes away?“ The Doctor shot back defensively, as she pulled away and got to her feet.

“Doctor…“ River started but she wouldn’t let her finish, she held up her hands as she interrupted her.

“Actually, I really don’t care. It’s not necessary. I don’t need to be looked after.“ The Doctor stated with uncharacteristic iciness in her voice. “Thanks for getting me out but all I want is to know who they were and what they wanted. Get some answers, have bit of closure and carry on.“

“And when you know who they are, what are you going to do then?“ River asked calmly, trying not show how much the change in her wife’s behaviour was getting to her. She tried her best to remember that she wasn’t herself, she’s been through trauma, she was barely coping. This was the trauma showing and it wasn’t permanent. At least so she hoped.

“Oh don’t act so naive.“ The Doctor rolled her eyes. “You yourself said you wanted to kill the people that did this to me.“

“You’re many things, Doctor, but you’re not vengeful.“ River said trying to appeal to the Doctor she knew and loved. The person that above all strove to be kind. But this Doctor just looked back at her like she was going to burst out laughing at any moment.

“Really, River, you have no idea who I am.“ The Doctor chuckled shaking her head. She gave a shrug and grabbed on to the table for support, she didn’t want to wobble or show any sort of weakness now.

“That’s not fair.“ River said quietly, she couldn’t keep the hurt from her voice, as much as she tried.

“True though, we pop in and out of each other’s lives, no consistency or continuity, so many secrets, every meeting could be the last one, how do you build a relationship like that?“ The Doctor wasn’t sure what made this bubble to the surface, but all of a sudden it seemed all important. She acted like she knew every last thing about her, like she was her saviour, even though she had left her in that prison to rot for centuries. Rationally she knew that she was just trying to help and that she cared about her deeply, that she didn’t deserve her anger, but all this rage was just spilling out of her. She couldn’t help it.

“I’m the most consistency you’ve had in your life, Doctor.“ River shot back, unable to stop herself. This wasn’t fair. She knew it was the anger talking but she couldn’t just take it. “No matter which shape you took, where you were, even when you didn’t even know it was me, I’ve been there, more than you will ever know. So don’t try to make me feel guilty for something that’s your doing just as much as mine.“ She jabbed her finger at her accusingly. “And try to make me feel like I’m less than I am.“

“Don’t be so self-righteous. You’re the one that never wanted to travel with me.“ The Doctor retorted. No matter how long ago it was, she still remembered how she had turned her down after losing Amy and Rory in Manhattan.

“How could I do that? Travel with you to have you see me age and eventually _die_? A mortal can’t spend eternity with a God, Doctor.“ River snapped at her. “But at least this way I’ve been there all your life, seeing more of it, being there for you whenever you need me, more than I ever could staying with you. Yes, it might not be continuous but I will be there throughout your life, loving you for all of it.“ She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down, she turned and leaned against the breakfast bar. She looked at the floor trying to gather herself. She didn’t want to look at the Doctor and see her reaction. 

“You’re leaving gaping voids in between.“ The Doctor said at last, her voice calmer, less angry and more sad, it was more like a statement of fact. River closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

“What else would you have me do?“ She asked quietly. The Doctor remained quiet, realising that she didn’t have an answer. River was right of course. She couldn’t stay with her in linear time and they spend eternity together. The best she could do was jump, cover the distance, the years, to cover as much as she could, for as long as she could. The realisation hit her like a punch in the gut.

“I’m not a God.“ The Doctor huffed, she was incredibly far from it. There was nothing divine about someone that lashed out at the people that care about them. What did she even have going for her at this point? Her immortality? It was something she’d neither worked nor asked for, she just was. It didn’t make her a God, it made her a freak of nature. One that couldn’t spend any length of time with the people she loved, because they would just age and die around her. She remembered making the point to the Testimony versions of Nardole and Bill before the last regeneration. River was the only one that bridged the distance.

“So you keep saying.“ River retorted quietly, pulling her back out of her thoughts. The Doctor looked at her wife who just stood against the counter, surveying her own feet, deep in thought herself. She wondered what was going on in her head. How she felt about her now, in this moment, after everything that happened and the things she had just said… She was here, alive and _real_ , her River, her _wife_ … back from the dead yet again, in another part of her life, willing to help and be there for her, wanting to fix her… The very notion that she needed fixing, made the Doctor’s anger resurface. She hated what she had become, what _they_ had made her. She couldn't let River see it, all the cracks with nothing but rage spilling out of them, she needed to calm it. An imagine of the Master popped into her mind, standing amidst the ruins of Gallifrey after he had laid waste to it, and she had asked him: _Did it calm all the rage?_ And he had replied _:_ _I don’t think anything will ever do that._ She couldn’t bare the thought that she was becoming like him. It was what she was most afraid of: that this was who she was now, no going back to who she was before. She shook her head to herself, trying to clear her mind, and keep the nagging thoughts at bay.

The Doctor didn’t know what was worse, the state of numbness she had been in before or feeling these feelings to the full. She desperately wanted to be consumed by something other than her hate. Her eyes flickered back to River who looked up now, expecting her to say something, but the Doctor didn’t have words. Instead she closed the distance between them with a few quick steps, grabbed River by her shirt, and crashed her lips onto hers in a hungry kiss. River was taken aback, startled by her sudden burst of energy and fervour, she kissed her back though reluctantly.

“Doctor…“ She tried to push her back a little to make her slow down and meet her eyes, but she didn’t let up.

“Come on River, I know you want this too.“ The Doctor’s voice was sultry, she smirked against her lips before pushing her tongue into her mouth. She started unbuttoning her shirt, nearly ripping the buttons in her hurry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, still trying to figure out if I'm going right or wrong with this lol


	3. Rough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Quick update this time, I was on a bit of a roll! Plus I'll be going away on holiday and there won't be any wifi so it'll be a little while before I can update again. Enjoy!

**Chapter 3: Rough**

“Doctor I…“ River was hesitant, she had no idea what had brought on this sudden change in the Doctor’s behaviour. She pushed her back a little, breaking the kiss. She looked back at her in surprise and confusion, and the Doctor laughed a little.

“I saw the way you looked at me when you didn’t even realise it. Remember how much fun we used to have? It’s just us here.“ She finished undoing her wife’s buttons. “Come on, Sweetie, tell me you haven’t been tempted.“ She whispered and bit her bottom lip, while grabbing hold of River’s belt undoing it.

“Doctor…“ River tried to keep her focus, not get distracted by her hands snaking into the waistband of her dark trousers, or the way she was looking at her with blatant desire. She tried to ignore the heat rising inside her and the sudden urge to rip her clothes off in turn.

“I never used to have to work this hard for it before.“ The Doctor pouted, playing with the buttons of her trousers. “Am I not your type anymore?“

“Oh you have no idea how much of my type you are now…“ River couldn’t help but remember the first time she had met this version of the Doctor, and how much she had wanted to throw herself at her. The Doctor had made her work for it then, teased her, driven her absolutely wild before… So why was she reluctant now? They had had an argument and now jumped to this, it gave her pause.

“Well then.“ The Doctor grinned and unbuttoned her wife’s trousers. River grabbed on to the breakfast bar behind her, consciously giving her hands something else to do, other than touching her wife.

“We were arguing a minute ago, why…“ She needed an explanation first. Her wife wasn’t stable, she could be doing more damage than good.

“Please River.“ The Doctor groaned frustrated. She reached around herself and pulled her vest top off. “I need this.“ She took River’s hand and pressed it against her breast. “Help me feel better.“ River struggled for composure, her fingers instinctively brushed against her hard nipple and the Doctor gave a soft moan and nodded encouragingly. How could she say no to herm when she was looking at her with those big pleading eyes, her face flushed, tempting her with her blatant advances. Something about the Doctor’s open demand was incredibly attractive, and it made her want to give her everything she desired. What else was she here for, other than to give her what she needed to recover? But was it a _good_ idea? Who knew. But it was what she wanted and said she needed, who was River to judge that? “River.“ The Doctor’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she met her eyes. “I need you. I want you to fuck me senseless so that for a moment, I don’t remember what happened. So I don’t feel the pain. So all that I feel is you. Can you do that for me?“ River felt herself nodding, taken aback by the sheer determination in her wife’s eyes. “Good. Then get on with it.“ The Doctor insisted and initiated another fiery kiss. River couldn’t resist any longer, she kissed her back and pulled her close. She wrapped one arm around her slim frame and pushed her other hand into her silky hair, pulling at it a little to tilt her head up, the way she knew she liked it. She pushed her tongue inside her mouth, savouring the deep and passionate kiss, she bit her bottom lip and pulled at it. The Doctor gave a throaty moan at the delicious mix of pleasure and pain.

The Doctor brushed River’s blouse off her shoulders, and looped her arms around her to undo her bra. River brought her hand up between them squeezing her wife’s breast, she scraped her nails against her nipple and the Doctor groaned in response. River couldn’t help but smirk, she loved drawing these sounds out of her wife. She let go of her hair and grabbed her by the hips. In a swift motion she turned them around, and lifted her onto the counter. She spread her thighs and stood between them. Taking advantage of the new angle, she closed her lips around her nipple and brought her other hand up to the other.

“That’s more like it.“ The Doctor chuckled, her voice getting breathless, as she responded to her touch. She marvelled at how well River already seemed to know her body, she was starting to believe her. She must have met her future self and it gave her a bit of hope that maybe, she wouldn’t be like this forever. Maybe she would ask River about what she had been like when she met her… maybe some spoilers would help her through this… She didn’t dwell on it for long, as River demanded her full attention by pushing her hand into her shorts.

“You really do need this, don’t you.“ River smirked against her breast, as she dipped her fingers into the wetness between her legs. The Doctor groaned and buckled her hips against her hand, looking for more friction. Slowly, River circled her fingers over her clit. The Doctor bit her bottom lip and urged her hips even further forward.

“Don’t be a tease.“ She huffed frustrated, knotting her fingers into her wife’s curls.

“Don’t be so needy.“ River retorted teasingly, and pushed one finger inside her which she knew wasn’t enough, and would only frustrated her more. She wanted to keep teasing her a while longer. The Doctor said she wanted to lose herself in the experience, and River knew how to make that happen.

“River.“ The Doctor groaned pulling at her hair.

“Do you want to take it to the bedroom or stay here?“ River asked innocently, neglecting to move her hand on purpose.

“I don’t care River, just fuck me.“ The Doctor exclaimed in frustration. She let go of her hair and dug her nails into her wife’s shoulders. River smirked and pulled her hand from her trousers.

“Bedroom then.“ She winked as she stepped away from her. The Doctor’s face fell, she couldn’t believe she had just stopped. “Come along.“

“River…“

“Unless you don’t want to anymore?“ River made her way to the doorframe and looked back at her wife. The Doctor sat there panting and flushed, disappointment painted all over her face, she pressed her thighs together needing some sort of pressure.

“See you are enjoying yourself.“ The Doctor breathed in amusement, as she slowly slid down from the breakfast bar, her legs felt weaker than before, but there was no way she would let that show right now. Instead she pushed her shorts down and stepped out of them, her eyes fixed on River as she did so. Leaving the remainder of her clothes behind, she sauntered across the room without hesitation or feeling self-conscious. The look on River’s face made her smirk, it was nice to know of the effect this new body had on her wife; certainly useful information. “Come on then.“ She smirked at her as she stepped into her personal space and kissed her cheek before carrying on to the bedroom. River took a deep breath and followed. She felt a wave of anger run through her as she spotted the bruises on her back again, prominent from this angle, but she swallowed it down without comment, she knew the Doctor would want her to ignore it. As they reached the bedroom, she stalled for a moment. There was glass all over the right side of the room, it was fairly obvious that the glass had been smashed deliberately not by accident.

“Doctor…“ River wasn’t sure she could ignore this but the Doctor didn’t give her an opportunity to voice her concerns. She turned around and pulled her wife into a passionate kiss.

“Please give me what I need, River.“ The Doctor breathed against her lips before trailing kisses down the side of her throat. River took a deep breath and she scooped her up to carry her across the room, just to be sure she wouldn’t cut herself on anything. She placed her on the bed, and the Doctor pulled River down and on top of her. River pushed her own trousers off, and wiggled out of them on her way down, before climbing on top of her. She pushed her thigh between her wife’s legs and felt her wetness there before she buried her face in the crook of her neck, kissing and nipping the soft skin there. “You can bite me harder than that.“ The Doctor breathed arching her neck a little for better access. River chuckled and obliged sucking the sensitive skin below her ear between her teeth. The Doctor moaned encouragingly, she dug her nails into her wife’s back and River groaned in response when she dragged her nails up leaving red marks. She turned her attention to her breasts again, caressing and kissing her way down. Her touch was teasing and loving, she ran her hands down her sides kissing every bruise she could find. It wasn’t even a conscious decision, she just wanted to make her feel loved and looked after. The Doctor shifted under her slightly frustrated and restless, it wasn’t what she wanted or needed right now. “You don’t have to be gentle.“ She said and pushed her hands into River’s curls pulling her up. River looked up at her slightly confused. “In fact, don’t be gentle.“ The Doctor clarified averting her eyes, she didn’t want to see her reaction, she just wanted her to follow her direction.

“Doctor…“ River didn’t really know what to say. Sure, she certainly enjoyed rough sex from time to time but it just didn’t feel right when her wife was so… fragile. Both physically and mentally.

“River, please.“ The Doctor took her face in her hands and made her look at her now to see how serious she was. She didn’t know how to explain it and didn’t want to try. “I asked you to screw me senseless, remember?“ She chuckled trying to make light of it, and took hold of River’s hand to guide it down between her legs. “I’m so wet for you.“ She bit her bottom lip. River shallowed, her mouth suddenly really dry. The Doctor didn’t usually talk like that and it certainly did something to her. She threw caution to the wind and thrust two fingers inside her, fast and hard. The Doctor moaned and grinned ,moving her hips to meet her. She pulled her down for a bruising kiss, she bit River’s bottom lip and dragged her nails up her back adding more raw marks. This time it had the desired effect of urging her wife on. River stopped overthinking and allowed herself to be swept away by the heat of the moment. She grabbed the hair on the back of the Doctor’s head and pulled her head back roughly exposing her throat. She sank her teeth into her neck leaving a first bruise of her own while building up a fast rhythm. “More.“ The Doctor groaned, her breathing becoming laboured and River knelt up and pulled her up with her into a sitting position straddling her legs while keeping up her thrusts. The Doctor gasped in surprise and pleasure as her fingers thrust deeper, the angle more intense as she moved her hips up and down. River smirked, observing as the Doctor dictated her own frantic pace. River scratched down her back mirroring her previous actions, leaving her own red trails that made her wife wince. For a moment she slowed down, her voicing of pain making her doubt, but when she saw the raw desire and fire in her wife’s eyes, she knew it was exactly what she wanted and needed. She held on to her lower back as she thrust harder making her wife whimper, again and again, the sound was driving her wild as well.

“You’re so fucking beautiful like this.“ River said, her voice barely above a growl.

“I’m all yours.“ The Doctor moaned just about managing a flirty smile before throwing her head back. She could feel her body beginning to tense up.

“God I hope so.“ River groaned pushing her head forward so she could kiss her again. The Doctor broke the kiss and brushed her hair back over her head as it was just in the way and beginning to stick to her sweaty temples. She reached for River’s free hand and brought it up to her throat locking eyes with her. River’s eyes widened in shock, her movements faltered but the Doctor kept the rhythm for both of them.

“Please, River.“ She breathed as she tightened her hand around River’s. River took a deep breath, her begging was just too much. She squeezed her hand around her throat recognising the expressed permission and confirmation in her wife’s eyes, and she threw her backwards onto her back. She held her down and thrust her fingers inside her again, hard and fast and deep. The Doctor gasped and groaned, her vision blurring as the sheer intensity brought tears to her eyes. “Keep going.“ She moaned to reassure her and River did. She pushed a third finger inside her intent on fulfilling the brief and leaving her thoroughly satisfied. The Doctor gasped and buckled against her. River felt her tighten around her fingers, her muscles tensing. The Doctor threw her head back in ecstasy when her body shock with the release of orgasm. She whimpered and trembled holding on to River’s shoulders for support as she hovered over her. She arched her back and pushed down against River’s hand where she’d stilled her movements but held her firmly in place as she rode the waves of pleasure. As the spasms slowly subsided, she released the hold on her throat, allowing the Doctor breathed more freely. “Fuck…“ The Doctor breathed, as River pulled away from her altogether to lie next to her. She pulled her into her arms and the Doctor rested her head on her chest, feeling thoroughly spent. She struggled to even think clearly, as her body came down from its high, suddenly overcome by mind-numbing exhaustion. “That was… wow…“ The Doctor mumbled fighting off the overwhelming urge to drift off to sleep.

“Good.“ River chuckled a little, and squeezed her arm, relieved that she seemed to have gotten what she needed. “Why… why did you want me to…“ She didn’t know how to phrase her question, but she had to ask anyway. Now that she had she wasn’t so caught up in the moment, he wanted to understand what was going on in her wife’s mind.

“Someone should have control over me when I don’t…“ The Doctor mumbled cuddling into her side. She didn’t have a better way of explaining it. “Thank you…“ Before River could say anything else, the Doctor had fallen into a deep and dreamless sleep. River sighed to herself, knowing full well that she needed her rest and she shouldn’t keep her up. So she just pulled her a little closer and held her. She remained awake contemplating her words. Watching the light from the lamp on the bedside table refract in the glass shards on the floor. How was she to help her wife recover from a trauma that she was only beginning to see the extend of? Maybe the Doctor was right, maybe they needed to get some answers just to make sense of it all… River ran her fingertips along her wife’s arm, drawing little circles onto her milky skin. She wanted nothing more than to return the spring to her step, the joy to her eyes, the warmth to her hearts, but it seemed like an insurmountable task right now. River wiped a few stray tears away, before they could drop onto her wife’s sleeping face. She looked peaceful at least, her breathing was deep and steady, her body relaxed, it was a start.

“I love you.“ River smiled a sad smile, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. The Doctor didn’t stir, she remained fast asleep. River held her close for what felt like an eternity as she struggled with her thoughts, she even drifted off for a time herself.

When she woke, the Doctor was still fast asleep, so she figured she wouldn’t come around any time soon. Carefully she disentangled herself from the hug and got out of bed, taking note to clean up the glass as soon as the Doctor had rested up. She collected her various items of clothing and got dressed on her way to the Tardis’s console room. There was work to be done, maybe the Tardis had managed to record something useful while in orbit around the prison. When she reached the main flight deck, it wasn’t a moment too soon. There were numerous alters flashing, demanding her immediate attention.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner!“ River hurried up to the console. The Tardis wheezed, as if to say that they had clearly been too busy to pay attention to her. “It’s been an eventful few hours…“ River admitted as she surveyed the alerts. “Earth…“ She realised feeling a wave of anxiety. “All of them are from Earth…“ There was the Doctor’s personal alert system, a ping from several surveillance networks, and numerous personal calls and messages from around the globe. She punched a few buttons and the first message played. There were several people crowded together on screen.

“Is it recording?“ An elderly man, that she recognised as Graham, ask leaning in closer to the camera. She had met him, along with the other two people in the frame, in the Doctor's future.

“Think so…“ A young woman - Yaz - answered and pulled him back a little, so he wouldn’t obscure the camera.

“How can we even be sure it reaches her?“ A third person, a young man - Ryan - questioned. “What makes you think she managed to survive Gallifrey anyway?“

“She’s had to, this is the Doc we’re talking about…“ Graham interjected and Yaz explained:

“This should deliver to her Tardis, wherever it is, one Tardis to another. And if she’s still alive, she’s bound to go looking for it, right?“

“Did you say it was recording already?“ Ryan asked, pointing at the camera.

“Oh yeah… Doctor, if you’re seeing this, thank God you’re alive. And please come find us. We’ve been trying to get this Tardis to work to go looking for you, but it just won’t fly…“ Yaz to explain and Graham added.

“But instead it picked something else up, there were alerts…“

“It’s the Daleks, Doctor, they’ve come to Earth! They’re gathering in orbit, I don’t know how much time we’ve got.“ Yaz carried on. “We’re trying to get in touch with the government, try and do something but we really, really, _really_ need you right now.“ 

The message broke off, River took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves. She selected another message and then another, one after another, she didn’t recognise all of them but MI6 and UNIT certainly rung a bell. All alerts read the same terrifying message: “The Daleks have come to Earth. Help.“

River’s heart sank. Somehow, they must have gotten wind of the Doctor’s incarceration, and realised their opportunity had come. And it certainly had, as the Doctor was in no fit state to be a help to anyone.

“What do I do?“ She asked into the quiet, after she had turned off the alerts and listened to all the other messages. Even the Tardis remained quiet for a moment.

“You set a course for Earth.“ A voice sounded, making River jump. She turned around to see the Doctor standing in the doorway, only she didn’t quite look like herself. She’d gotten dressed, but not in her usual outfit. Her three-quarter-length trousers had been replaced by black slacks, she wore a matching waist coat over a silky white blouse, only the yellow braces remained as a splash of colour. She was just pushing her sonic screwdriver and the psychic paper into her trouser pockets, before looking back at River. “I didn’t fancy rainbows.“ She said, as if it was the only explanation needed, and made her way up to the console.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Could really do with some feedback to see if this works for you. <3


	4. Two Options

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Fam! I'm back off holiday, no wifi but lots of writing time!! So there is a fair bit of 13/River content coming your way yay!  
> Hope you enjoy this next chapter. Thank you everyone that commented, it gives me life! ;D

**Chapter 4: Two Options**

“How are you feeling?“ River asked slowly, unsure what to make of this.

“Fine.“ The Doctor answered as she set coordinates. “You were gone when I woke up, so I thought I’d get dressed and see where you are. Looks like it was just in time.“ 

“Are you sure about this? You should be resting…“

“I’ve drunk, I’ve eaten, I’ve slept. I feel much better. My body is a lot stronger than a human one, you should know that.“ She waved off her concerns, and pulled the lever to send them on their way. She noticed the way River looked at her, as if she was both biting her tongue and at a loss for words at the same time. “River, I’m _fine_.“ She sighed and made her way over to her. “Really, thank you for everything you’ve done. Sure I could probably do with a few more hours of sleep, but clearly there is a crisis that needs our attention.“ She reached out and cupped her wife’s cheek. “We can get back in bed after, hm?“ She winked and placed a sweet kiss on her lips.

“I’d better get my things then…“ River said, as she realised the Doctor would not be dissuaded. The Doctor nodded.

“On the bedside table.“ She added, when River was halfway across the room. She turned back around with a frown. Had she been through her things? “I see you still have my screwdriver.“ The Doctor commented without looking at her, focused on some readings on the console.

“I couldn’t very well leave behind the one proper gift you’ve ever given me.“ River answered, trying her best not to let her annoyance show. “Do you believe me now? That I’m in your future?“

“Care to tell me what I was like when I got you out?“ The Doctor asked in an off hand sort of way.

“Spoilers.“ River retorted, and turned away to carry on without another word.

“Of course…“ The Doctor huffed, more to herself than anything else.

River made her way through the corridors of the Tardis feeling slightly dazed. Things were moving far too quickly. Yes, their hands were forced but the Doctor’s attitude towards her own recovery astounded her. Earlier today, she had not only been physically weak, but also emotionally temperamental. Now she radiated confidence, acted domineering and controlled. It was unsettling how she jumped from one to another. The word _control_ echoed through her head as she retrieved her belongings from the bedroom. It was what the Doctor had been searching for. It was what she had give River over her. Now she seemed to have regained it for herself. All River could do at this point was wait and see; be there for her, look after her, protect her. She checked that her lazer gun was charged before fastening it to a holster around her thigh, and strapped her vortex manipulator to her wrist. Then pulled her leather jacket off the chair by the dressing table and threw it on. The Doctor might not be ready for this challenge but she would be. She shoved the rest of her belongings in her pockets, and hurried back to the control room, they would be reaching Earth shortly.

When she returned, the found the Doctor watching back the messages. River couldn’t see her face as she had her back turned towards her, but her posture revealed her tension. She leaned onto the console, her knuckles white from her firm grip.

“How dare they come for Earth again, haven’t they learned their lesson?“ The Doctor growled to herself.

“They probably learned of your incarceration and wanted to sized the opportunity…“ River said making her presence known.

“I was in there for so long, why only come now?“

“Not in real time, you weren’t, it’s been weeks at the most…“ She reminded her.

“Right, yes, of course…“ The Doctor still clearly struggled with that concept. The passing of time had been real to her, even if it didn’t match the rest the universe. This was different from the time the Doctor had been trapped in the confessionary dial. Even though he had spent billions of years trapped inside it, he hadn’t felt the passing of time. Every circle had been a new copy of himself. Even though he had been aware of how much time had passed, he had realised it anew in every circle and not lived through it. She had felt the centuries ticking by in her prison cell, centuries alone with nothing to do but think; isolated from the rest of the universe with nothing to do, no goal, no hope. Trapped in her own thoughts.

“Are you sure you’re okay?“ River asked softly, pulling her out of her thoughts by placing her hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine.“ The Doctor retorted automatically and pulled away. She flipped a lever. “We’re here, let’s see what we’re dealing with.“ River could tell they hadn’t landed, they were hovering in space so she turned on the screen, displaying the outside. They were in orbit around Earth. “How do you expect to see anything on that little screen?“ The Doctor huffed not even bothering to look, as she made her way to the Tardis door. River looked around confused.

“What are you…“ The Doctor didn’t answer, it was as if she wasn’t even paying attention to her. She opened the door and stuck her head out. “Doctor!“ River exclaimed, hurrying after her. She looped her arm around her wife’s waist, to make sure she wouldn’t fall out, she was leaning dangerously far.

“Well dear, you really don't need an excuse such as this to get close to me.“ The Doctor chuckled upon River’s arm wrapping around her. “There they are…“ River looked over her shoulder and spotted the Daleks. There was only a few war ships so far, lone Daleks circling around them, some shooting towards and heading back from Earth. “It’s just a vanguard.“ The Doctor observed. “Not enough for a full scale invasion.“

“They must be scouting and awaiting reinforcements.“ River agreed with her assessment, and let go of her wife who pulled back from the door.

“They must be on their way, scan the solar system.“ The Doctor instructed, as she closed the doors again, and River made her way to the control panel.

“Nothing in the solar system yet…“ River said, as she worked the Tardis’s sensors.

“Look further out.“ The Doctor stepped up to her leaning close as River worked the controls. She touched her hand to the small of her wife’s back. It wasn’t a conscious thing, but it made River tense for just a moment. Not because it was unwelcome or unpleasant, just because it was unusual. She had never known the Doctor to get so close and personal in a situation like this. River couldn’t shake the feeling that the Doctor wasn’t quite herself right now, but she told herself not to read too much into the little things. If they couldn’t fight off the Daleks and manage to stay alive, she would be happy. Everything else could be dealt with later.

“There they are, just making their way through the Kuiper Belt.“

“Good that’s very good, means we have a few hours.“ The Doctor clapped her hands together, but lacked the usual excitement that went with it, it was almost as if it was force of habit. “Let’s go and see what we’ve got to work with, to set up a defence.“

“There are a lot of distress calls. Where do you want to go?“ River asked, as she brought up the list of calls they had received earlier.

“Just UK for now, which locations have we got?“ The Doctor asked.

“Cardiff, London, Sheffield.“

“London, that’s UNIT right?“ She mused, weighing her options.

“Yes.“ River nodded recalling the message.

“That’s out best shot.“ The Doctor set the coordinates and sent them on their way.

“Shouldn’t we get Ryan, Yaz and Graham first? They deserve to know you’re alive and they have another Tardis that might be useful…“ River asked without thinking, and the Doctor’s eyes shot up. 

“How do you…“

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking…“ River scolded herself. “Spoilers.“ 

“I’m getting rather fed up with your insinuations.“ The Doctor frowned, she seemed genuinely annoyed.

“I’m not insinuating anything. I’ve met them and you in the future, big deal, can we carry on?“ River sighed exasperated, there was no reason for her to make a big deal about it. They had always had these timeline issues, and it wasn’t exactly like that was vital information that would have consequences.

“Fine.“ The Doctor returned her attention to the control panel. “To answer your question, no, I don’t want to see them right now. Time is of the essence, UNIT is our first port of call.“

“Fine.“ River shot back, sensing things would get a lot more difficult as they carried on. Already her wife’s behaviour was giving her pause. There was this underlying tension, a discomfort, an undercurrent of perfuse anger. She could feel it whether the Doctor was aware of it or not.

The Tardis materialised on the streets of London, and the Doctor and River found themselves in front of a row of town houses in a nice neighbourhood. Not exactly what they had expected of UNIT operations centre, but they knew better than to judge a book by its cover. River pressed some buttons on a hand held scanner and indicated a house to the left.

“That’s where the signal originated.“

“Let’s go and say hello.“ They stepped up to the door and the Doctor knocked. There was shuffling and hushed voices inside. “Why call for help and then not open your door?“ The Doctor sighed as they waited until the door finally opened. “Kate. Long time no see. I know my hair is different, so is yours, can we come in?“ Kate Steward just stared at the Doctor in shock, who didn’t give her a moment to recover before pushing past her.

“Yes, that’s the Doctor.“ River half smiled at Kate’s confused expression.

“Okay, that will take some getting used to…“ She stepped aside to let River pass, who minded her manners more than the Doctor had. “Professor Song, right?“ The UNIT chief science officer asked and River smirked.

“I think I would remember if we’d met.“

“Kate Steward.“ She introduced herself. “We uhm… have a file on you…“

“Have you now? I would be delighted to read it.“ River winked and followed after the Doctor who was already halfway into the house. “Sorry about her, she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.“ She thought it best to apologise for her wife’s behaviour now and preempt any questions.

“Would that have been your bed or hers?“ Kate couldn’t resist and River chuckled.

“I like you Kate Steward, we should get a drink some time.“

“When you’re done flirting over there, can we get on with it?“ The Doctor demanded their attention, and River rolled her eyes. She was no fun like this. “What happened to UNIT headquarters? Last time I tried to contact you I was told UNIT operations were suspended.“ The Doctor crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“There were some budgetary issues.“ Kate answered vaguely. She wasn’t even completely sure herself what had been the deciding factor. Brexit. America’s new leadership distancing itself from its allies. So many contributing factors.

“So I heard.“ The Doctor recalled her phone conversation with one very unhelpful lady on New Years Day.

“Hence, when the invasion started, we set up camp in my living room.“ Kate explained leading the two women through to the main living area. Crammed in the living room were five other people and a lot of surveillance equipment. Among the limited UNIT staff where the two Osgoods.

“Doctor.“ The two of them greeted her in unison.

“See? They recognise me.“ The Doctor glanced back at Kate who chuckled a little.

“We were watching the street on surveillance video when you got out of the Tardis, and seeing as Professor Song is on file, it was a matter of deduction.“

“Yes, I upgraded while you downgraded…“ The Doctor looked around the room thoroughly disappointed.

“I repeat, I would like to see this mysterious file.“ River piped up, intrigued by what UNIT had to say about her. Nobody seemed to be paying any attention to her request however. 

“So is this what we have to work with?“ The Doctor asked.

“We’re getting there. We’re in touch with the government and MI6, when they realised what was happening they couldn’t call for our assistance fast enough, so things are being set in motion.“ Kate explained.

“That’s something… though I would have thought after what happened with the Kasavan and the Master, they would have learned from that…“ The Doctor stepped up to the surveillance equipment. They had a good view of the Dalek ships in orbit from what seemed like a close by satellite. “At the moment there are only a few war liners in orbit, not enough to effectively wipe out the human military, that's why they haven’t attacked yet.“ She explained.

“So we have some time?“ Kate asked to confirm.

“Some but don’t get over excited, there is an invasion fleet that’s just entered the solar system.“ River answered.

“How long before they get here?“

“A few hours give or take, but we need to make good use of it.“ The Doctor mused weighing her options.

“Do you have a plan, Doctor?“ One of the Osgoods asked.

“There are two options.“ The Doctor replied.

“Which are.“ The other Osgood continued.

“I let them know I’m back and see if they run.“ The Doctor said, counting one on her finger. Seeing as they had timed their attack for when they thought her incapacitated, there was a possibility they might get intimidated.

“And if they don’t?“ Kate asked, who didn’t think that scenario very likely.

“Then we blow them out of the sky.“ The Doctor shrugged, counting number two.

“Human weapons around this time period won’t reach into orbit.“ River interjected, half laughing at the ridiculousness of the suggestion.

“We’ll see about that.“ The Doctor retorted, who didn’t look pleased at all that she was questioning her statement.

“Doctor, I’m sure there is another less explosive play here.“ River carried on more sternly, when she realised her wife was serious.

“Let me know when you think of it.“ The Doctor shot back and turned to Kate. “Am I still president of the world?“

“Technically I believe so.“ Kate frowned, she had never considered the question, but it wasn’t something that had been retracted to her knowledge.

“So can you get me the launch codes for the nuclear warheads in the UK?“

“No.“ River interjected decisively. Things were taking a turn that she didn’t like at all, but the Doctor chose to flat out ignore her.

“Can you?“ She pressed Kate for an answer. The UNIT chief looked in between the two women, seeing steely determination on one side, blatant disbelief on the other.

“If you thought it was necessary…“ She answered slowly.

“It might be.“ The Doctor nodded satisfied with the answer for now.

“Doctor, isn’t that a bit extreme?“ River protested. She was the first person to agree that the Daleks needed to be destroyed, but the Doctor hated the use of weapons. Usually, she would come up with some clever manoeuvre, some great deception, making them destroy themselves or tricking them into leaving, or even send them to another dimension. This just seemed wrong.

“Like I said, I’m open to better ideas, River.“ The Doctor shot back annoyed. “I don’t know about you though, but I’m in the mood for fireworks.“ She didn’t wait for a reaction, she turned back to the screen, leaving River to grind her teeth and ball her fists.

“Perhaps they will reconsider when they learn of your arrival.“ One of the Osgoods said, sounding hopeful.

“Either way, we need to deal with the scouts before the main invasion fleet arrives. We need to scare them off somehow and I haven’t got the mental capacity to come up with a more intricate masterplan.“ She glanced at River. “This will have to do.“

“Let’s hope they heed your warning first time…“ Kate said and the Doctor huffed.

“They better, they won’t like the second warning.“ 

“How do you intent to contact them?“ One of the Osgoods asked. “We have extensive communications equipment.“

“I need a Dalek.“ The Doctor said, she had clearly already thought about this.

“What are you going to do when you have one?“ River frowned, she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Give it a message to take back, that’s what scouts are for right?“ The Doctor retorted leaning in close to the screen that displayed the war ships.

“What’s wrong with sending a message to their war liner?“ River asked.

“And revealing our location in the process? I don’t think so.“ The Doctor shook her head. “No. I want to put on a bit of a show.“ 

“They have been scouting the planet, all major cities, there is bound to be a fair few in London as we speak.“ The Osgoods said trying to be helpful. “Surely the moment they spot your Tardis they would be most interested.“

“Excellent idea, perfect bait.“ The Doctor grinned, clapping her hands.

“What is? The Tardis?“ River frowned.

“Yes the Tardis too, but most importantly me!“ The Doctor made her way to the door. “Show me one Dalek that can resist me.“

“Doctor, that is reckless.“ River followed to stop her. “A minute ago you were saying how you don’t want to give our location away and now you’re going to bait a Dalek yourself? You’re not making any sense.“ 

“Stop second guessing me at every turn, I have a plan and I need a Dalek.“ The Doctor turned around abruptly, making her almost run into her. She had enough of what felt like constant interjections.

“What actually is your plan?“ River demanded to know. There had to be more to it than letting the Daleks know she was back. She could do that in a simple message.

“Still a work in progress, but I’m getting there. Do you not trust me?“ The Doctor asked accusingly, keeping her voice down in front of the others.

“Of course I trust you.“ River shot back, hurt that she would even entertain the possibility that she didn’t.

“Then let’s catch ourselves a Dalek.“ The Doctor grinned with actual excitement, her mood shifting from one extreme to the other.

“What about the other Tardis?“ River asked, she knew her wife wouldn’t appreciate her bringing it up again, but it could be a significant resource. And she knew she wouldn’t be able to come up with a decent excuse in front of everyone.

“I told you I don’t want to go there right now.“ The Doctor huffed in annoyance.

“But we could use it.“ River pressed on. “Whatever you plan is Doctor, two Tardises are better than one, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by being stubborn.“ The Doctor growled in frustration but River knew she had made a good point.

“Fine, fine.“ She sighed. “Kate? There is another Tardis up in Sheffield right now, can you have it retrieved? Just the Tardis, no-one else.“ River rolled her eyes. She didn’t understand why the Doctor was being so stubborn. It would be so much easier to just hop in the Tardis and go there, River could fly the spare back. But that would involve the Doctor seeing her companions again and she clearly wasn’t prepared to do that. So she chose the needlessly complicated route. River would have done it herself but she needed another pilot to fly the other Tardis back. Plus, she didn’t dare leave the Doctor’s side. Already her actions were far from the ordinary.

“One step ahead of you there, Doctor…“ Kate looked in between the two women trying to figure out what was going on, why they were at odds with each other. She could tell there was something different about the Doctor, but she figured it was just the new regeneration. “We’ve been in contact with your friends, we reached out to them when we noticed their distress signal. They’re on their way here as we speak, along with their Tardis. Apparently it took a while to get it to a movable shape but they managed to work out the Chameleon circuit eventually. They shouldn’t be much longer.“

“That’s great news.“ River smiled and the Doctor ground her teeth in anger. River decided not to give her an opportunity to protest. “So how do we get ourselves a Dalek?“ River asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.


	5. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thank you for your comments, they make me so happy <3 Glad you're all enjoying the story so far! Quick update today as I've written quite far ahead already. Quite long too but I couldn't really cut it any earlier than where I did lol.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

**Chapter 5: Anger**

“Yes, catching a Dalek, should be pretty simple really.“ The Doctor refocused herself on the task at hand, and didn’t dwell on the prospect of being confronted by her companions shortly. “I should have everything I need in the Tardis.“ 

“What should we be doing?“ Kate asked, as the Doctor turned to leave.

“See about getting access to the Black Archives and the warheads.“ The Doctor answered. “Give us a shout if anything changes up there.“ The UNIT team nodded in unison. River locked eyes with Kate for a moment, hoping to convey her concern without having to voice it, then she turned and followed the Doctor back to the Tardis.

“So what are we doing?“ River asked upon closing the Tardis doors behind them. The Doctor already dove under the console to retrieve something.

“We’ll just have to get the attention of one, shouldn’t be hard seeing as they’re scouts. Lure it in, spring our trap… disable it.“ She held up a device and turned it a few times, then she threw it over to River. “EMP emitter. Should disable its electronics just long enough.“ River looked at the device and nodded. It should work. “Can you set it up? There should be some cables in that panel over there.“ The Doctor pointed to one of the crystal arms, before digging for something else underneath the console.

“Just on the road?“ River asked.

“Yeah, wherever there is room. Can’t be too far away, we need the Tardis for an energy source.“ 

“Okay.“ River nodded, shooting another glance at her wife, who was surrounding herself with bits and pieces of equipment, wires and tools, and sat herself cross legged in the middle of it. Her heart felt a little lighter, she looked so much more like her Doctor in that moment. “And once we have the Dalek, what then?“ She asked and the Doctor looked up with a grin.

“That’s what I’m gonna work out now.“ She pulled on her goggles and held her sonic screwdriver at the ready. River smiled, nodded and went searching for the cables.

The street was empty, River could only presume the government had advised people to stay indoors in light of the threat, so she didn’t worry too much about setting up the device in the middle of the road. She lay cables from inside the Tardis to hook it up. Every now and then, she went to check on her wife, who actually looked the most content she had seen her since her rescue. She had something to focus her mind and it seemed to be doing her some good.

“How are you doing out here, do you need any help?“ Kate came out of the house, just as River put the finishing touches on the set up.

“I think we’re alright, thanks.“ She said as she got out her sonic screwdriver and scanned the set up.

“Where’s the Doctor?“

“In the Tardis working.“ River answered. “Do you need her for something?“ She looked up.

“No, not really, the Daleks are still hovering, collecting data…“ Kate replied shaking her head, she crossed her arms in front of her chest but didn’t move, River could tell she was wanting to say something but didn’t know how to.

“What is it?“ She stood up, stopping what she was doing to give her her undivided attention.

“The Doctor…“

“Yes?“

“She’s… different. That’s not just the new regeneration is it?“ Kate asked slowly, feeling rather uncomfortable even saying that.

“No it’s not.“ River smiled softly, trying to reassure her that it was okay, that she understood, and that she wasn’t making it up.

“What happened to her?“ Kate was relieved that it wasn’t all in her head, but it also worried her more. She had always known the Doctor to be a measuring force, striving for peaceful resolution instead of open confrontation.

“That’s not my place to say.“ River gave a sad smile, but she was glad the Doctor’s change of personality hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“She’ll be okay though right? She will be able to help?“ Kate needed affirmation.

“Of course I can help, I’m your best chance.“ A voice made them jump, and they looked around to see the Doctor step out of the Tardis. It was impossible to tell how long she had been listening for.

“Doctor…“ Kate wanted to explain, but the Doctor didn’t want to hear it, she just carried on:

“You called for help, I’ve come. Like I always do.“ She walked up to them.

“You have.“ The UNIT chief nodded, feeling uncomfortable, she glanced at River who chose to remain silent.

“So how about you don't go second guessing my every turn, talking behind my back.“ The Doctor snapped, looking in between the two of them.

“That’s not what…“ Kate started and River interjected.

“Doctor, we’re just concerned about you.“

“Well it’s none of your business. I’m trying to save you all and you want to question how I go about doing it?“ They hadn’t even gotten that far in their conversation, but it obviously was their main concern. “Who was it that wanted to release a toxic gas that would have killed twenty million, Kate, uh?“ She focused on the UNIT chief who averted her eyes in embarrassment.

“Doctor, I’m not…“

“Then don’t try to take the moral high-ground with me.“ The Doctor concluded angrily. “And don’t you look at that at me like that, River.“ She focused on her wife, who just looked back at her. “Which one of us is the psychopath?“

“I’m beginning to wonder the same thing.“ River shot back icily, but instead of getting offended, the Doctor began to laugh and stepped into her wife’s personal space. River held her gaze without flinching.

“Well, that’s an exciting thought isn’t it.“ The Doctor smirked and ran her fingers along River’s jawline, down her throat and to her collar bone.

“We should get on with our trap.“ River said at last and pushed her wife’s hand away. She tried to ignore the strange sort of pull she felt, and pretend like the way she looked at her didn’t make her breathing catch a little.

“Oh come on, crack a smile.“ The Doctor huffed, but stepped away and adjusted her waistcoat. “Fine, let’s get started. How is it looking out here?“

“The pulse is working, pretty strong one too, I’ve cranked the power right up, it should do the trick. We should be able to trigger it remotely.“ River answered and held up her sonic. “How are you getting on?“

“I’m ready to go.“ The Doctor answered. She pulled a device from her pocket, not much bigger than a walkman. “Just need this taking back to the Dalek ships. Let’s not waste anymore time.“ She looked around. “Just need something to attract a Dalek now, nothing too big, so we don’t get more than one.“

“What sort of something?“ Kate asked.

“They’re scouts, they’re bound to explore anything out of the ordinary.“ The Doctor shrugged as she pulled out her sonic screwdriver, and directed it at a nearby car. The fuel lines ignited and the car exploded. Kate and River jumped in shock, while the Doctor didn’t even flinch. She twirled her screwdriver in her hand and looked around the street. “Come on, someone investigate this!!!“ She called out. Promptly the Osgoods appeared in the door to see what had happened, and people all around the street came to their windows.

“Keep everyone inside.“ River instructed Kate, who waved for everyone to disappear and get to safety.

“I hope she knows what she’s doing.“ Kate whispered to River who nodded.

“I hope so too. Now get inside.“ She gestured for her to go and she did, even if it was reluctantly. “You know that was a perfectly innocent bystander’s car you just blew up.“ River said as she stepped up to stand next to the Doctor in the shadow of the Tardis.

“Small price to pay for the safety of the planet if you ask me.“ The Doctor didn’t care, she watched the end of the street. “Main thing is that it worked. Here we go…“ A Dalek appeared at the top of the street intent on investigating the commotion. “Be ready to set off the pulse when it’s in range.“ The Doctor grinned and stepped into the middle of the street. “Hey tea pot! Over here!“ She waved her arms.

“It was coming this way anyway!“ River groaned in disbelief. “Come back here!“

“IDENTIFY!“ The Dalek’s tinny voice echoed down the street.

“You’re gonna have to come a little closer than that!“ The Doctor called back, pushing her hands into her pockets. “Come on, I’ll wait.“ 

“You’ve gone mad!“ River snapped at her wife, but she didn’t pay her any attention. The Dalek hovered closer repeating its demand for identification.

“What do the Daleks want on Earth?“ The Doctor asked tilting her head.

“IDENTIFY!“ The Dalek repeated, ignoring her question.

“Earth is a level 5 planet, you have no business here.“

“OBJECTION IRRELEVANT.“ The Dalek drew closer.

“It is protected!“ The Doctor stated defiantly.

“IT IS NOT PROTECTED ANYMORE!“ The Dalek raised its weapon preparing to shot.

“You are so wrong about that.“ The Doctor chuckled and took a few steps back, the Dalek hovered forward, nearly above the pulse emitter.

“IDENTIFY OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED.“

“All in good time mate, wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for your friends.“ She grinned and looked to River who held out her sonic screwdriver ready. The Dalek’s optical sensor moved away from the Doctor and towards the Tardis that came into view between two parked cars. Before it could process the information, the Doctor gave River a nod, and she set the trap off. An electromagnetic pulse emitted and overloaded the Dalek’s systems with one big blast. It crashed to the floor and toppled over before lying motionless.

“You know, you needn’t have taunted it like that.“ River pointed out as she came out of her hiding spot.

“Then it wouldn’t have come all the way over here.“ The Doctor retorted as she walked over to the huge tank alien and examined it. All systems were down. She couldn’t be sure about the alien inside but the shell remained motionless. “Everything according to plan.“ She grinned, as she went around the back of it, fortunately it had landed on its side. “Help me with this.“ She gestured for River to come over, and together they dislodged one of the panels.

“And what exactly is that?“ River asked, as the Doctor placed the device she had built inside the casing of the Dalek, and hooked it up to some wires.

“Sort of like a hologram projector.“ She answered as she scanned it to make sure it was in place correctly. “If we want any chance of scaring them off, got to make a bit of a show of it.“ She put the panel back in place and sealed it with her sonic. “Now we just wait for it to wake up and report back about what happened. Shouldn’t be long before it regains function.“

“In that case, let’s go and park around the back and see what happens?“ River concluded and the Doctor nodded.

“That’s the general idea.“

——

“Now we just wait?“ Kate asked as they all watched the screens. The Doctor had parked the Tardis in the backyard, and they had rejoined them inside.

“Should wake up any minute now.“ The Doctor said and as if on cue, the Dalek came back to life. Using its thrusters, it sat itself back up and seemed to be surveying the surroundings. When it couldn’t find them, it shot off into the sky to rejoin the ships and report back. It had caught a glimpse of the Tardis after all. “Fantastic, into the Tardis then.“ The Doctor grinned, and Kate and River followed.

“What happens when it gets back to its friends?“ Kate asked as they waited in the Tardis. She did her best not to stare too much at the surroundings, but it wasn’t every day she set foot inside the famous time and space ship.

“Then we talk.“ The Doctor answered sounding somewhat excited. “Shouldn’t be long now.“ She pressed a couple of buttons on the console, and then took a few steps back to where there was some space. She folded her hands in front of her and waited with a sort of self assured smile on her face. River found it very alluring and a little unsettling at the same time. The new clothes certainly worked in her favour too, the goofiness was gone and River had always liked the Doctor in a suit…

“Here we go…“ River said, watching the screen as the Dalek approached its comrades.

“We should have audio…“ The Doctor nodded at her and she turned a dial. The tinny voice of a Dalek sounded through the Tardis.

“REPORT.“ The Doctor pulled a remote control from her pocket and flicked a switch.

“Surprise, Daleks. Bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.“ The Doctor grinned and on screen they saw a hologram of her projected amongst the Daleks.

“IDENTIFY!“ A Dalek demanded and the Doctor laughed.

“You are a bit slow of the mark aren’t you, this one just saw my Tardis.“ She vaguely gestured towards the Dalek behind her, that she was projecting out of.

“DOCTOR?!“ Another Dalek exclaimed and others joined in chanting her name in an angry chorus. The Doctor grinned from ear to ear and let them carry on for a little while. River and Kate exchanged an unsettled look.

“Yes, I was going to say _in the flesh_ but that’s not quite true.“ The Doctor chuckled, cutting through all the noise and the Daleks fell silent waiting for what she had to say. “I’m the Doctor and reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, as usual.“

“EXPLAIN.“

“Been to prison, got out of prison, back to protect Earth, as I told your little friend. So before you launch into your usual _You will all be exterminated_ spiel, the way I see it you have two options now.“ She held up two fingers for visualisation. “One, you turn around and run.“ She held up one finger, to which the Daleks shot around and blinked furiously.

“UNACCEPTABLE.“

“Then please, go for number two, which is me _destroy_ all of you.“ The Doctor grinned in a mad sort of way, as she held up two fingers again and she leaned forward a little as if she wanted to dare them. River didn’t even realise it, but she held her breath and her grip on the console tightened. She didn’t like how the Doctor seemed to be enjoying herself.

“YOU ARE ALONE, DOCTOR.“ A red Dalek, who appeared to be in charge, hovered forward. “OUR FLEET WILL DESTROY YOU.“

“If you bring your fleet here, they will die as well, for now I’ll be satisfied to only kill you. Don’t make the situation worse for you.“ The Doctor threatened taking a step forward.

“THE DOCTOR IS LYING. THE DOCTOR DOES NOT SEEK CONFRONTATION, ONLY TO TRICK. THE DOCTOR WILL BE EXTERMINATED.“

“Ah mate, I don’t know where you get your intel from, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. Last time I showed compassion to a Dalek, you tried to harvest me regenerative energy so that won’t happen again. It’s about time I lived up to some of those loving nicknames you’ve given me over the years. How’s Skaro these days? Still in ruins?“ She laughed and River balled her hands to fists, having to bite her tongue.

“EARTH WILL BE OUR NEW HOME. WE ARE COMING.“ The Dalek replied, sounding even angrier than before if that was possible.

“What? All of you? No-one staying behind? That’s a bit daft.“ The Doctor chuckled, saving the information as valuable. This was the entirety of the Dalek race coming to Earth, a much greater force than she had hoped for, but also an opportunity to deal with all the Daleks once and for all.

“SKARO IS LOST. EARTH WILL BECOME THE DALEK HOMEWORLD.“

“Not if I have anything to do with it.“ The Doctor squared her jaw defiantly. “Final warning, retreat now. Earth is **protected**.“

“THE DALEKS WILL REIGN SUPREME. THE DOCTOR AND HUMANITY WILL BE EXTERMINATED.“

“Oh, I was hoping you would say that.“ The Doctor grinned and flicked a switch on the remote control. Instead of severing the holographic connection as expected, the device she had placed inside the Dalek detonated. It ripped it apart and blew up like a small super nova, filling the screen with bright light. River and Kate gasped in shock, jumping away from the screen. River’s head whipped around:

“What have you done?!“ She exclaimed, and then looked back at the screen that was slowly normalising. The Dalek ships had been wiped out, there were only scorched pieces of debris remaining.

“Weren’t you going to give it a chance to consider your warning?“ Kate asked, slightly calmer than River but no less unsettled.

“They made their choice, I wasn’t going to give them a chance to mobilise.“ The Doctor answered, unfazed as she made her way up to the console. “How many survived?“

“The war liners were destroyed, very few Daleks were out of range, they’re departing.“ River ground her teeth. She shook her head in disbelief, and looked over to her wife who she hardly recognised now.

“Probably heading towards the fleet to warn them.“ The Doctor concluded, as if she didn’t even notice their eyes on her.

“Maybe they will turn around…“ Kate said slowly, holding on to hope.

“Doubtful. We need to prepare for their arrival, this should have bought us some time to modify the nuclear weapons, and see what we can find in the Black Archives that could be helpful.“ The Doctor clapped her hands together, clearly ready for the next task without dwelling on what had just happened.

“Doctor, we can’t wage full on war on the Dalek race.“ River exclaimed, she had had enough. She marched over to her to make her point. 

“I don’t think we’ll have a choice.“ The Doctor retorted without looking at her. She brought up the picture of the fleet heading halfway through the solar system.

“It will be a bloodbath.“ River insisted and grabbed hold of her arm to get her attention, the Doctor was still not turning away from the screen.

“Not if we’re well prepared.“ She countered.

“We will be repeating the Time War, only humanity doesn’t have the scientific advances that the Timelords had.“ River was furious and pointed to the screen. “Look at the size of that fleet!“

“They have something better. _Me_. Willing to do whatever it takes.“ The Doctor shot back.

“If you just tried, I’m sure you can come up with a better plan! This is not your personal playground to take out your anger on something.“ River exclaimed and pulled her away from the console.

“The Daleks need to be destroyed!“ The Doctor snapped and shook her off, anger rising inside of her. She returned her attention to the console, trying her best to ignore her, but River wasn’t having any of it.

“Yes, but not like this, people will suffer and die if there is a war. _Innocent people_. The people you’ve come here to protect!“ River grabbed her by the waistcoat and shoved her backwards away from the controls that she was starting to work on again. She stood between her and the control panel to stop whatever she was doing. She held out her hand to keep her away.

“Do you think I’m doing this because I want a war?“ The Doctor growled, her voice threatening and low. Her wife had her undivided attention now.

“Yes, I think you’re angling for it because you want to destroy something! And maybe yourself in the process!“ River yelled angrily. Kate felt at a loss, she wanted to interject but she didn’t know what to do or how to get in between them, the air was electric with anger and upset.

“How dare you!“ The Doctor shot back furious. “Watch what you’re saying.“ 

“Or what? You wouldn’t get so defensive if I hadn’t struck a nerve.“ She stepped into the Doctor’s personal space but the Doctor didn’t retreat, quite the contrary, she inched up to her with a dangerous flicker in her eyes. Anyone else would have wavered but River wasn’t scared of her, not even like this. She knew the Doctor had very little control over her impulses right now, but she didn’t doubt that the Doctor was still the Doctor at her very core. Also, River knew how to defend herself if the need arose. She couldn’t help but wonder if the Silence had had a point after all. Maybe this was what they needed their pet psychopath for. To keep another psychopath in check. For the Doctor he was going to become one day, not the one he had been at the time.

“Doctor!“ The tense atmosphere disappeared, when they were interrupted by excited calls as the Tardis doors were pulled open. They looked around to see Ryan, Graham and Yaz standing in the doorway, relieved smiles on their faces.

“You’re alive!“ Yaz exclaimed. “Did you pick up our call?“ The three of them rushed forward and River stepped away to give them room, as they pulled her into a bone crushing hug. The Doctor didn’t moved, she just shot River a threatening glance. All River did, however, was cross her arms in front of her chest. Maybe having the companions here would hold the Doctor more accountable.

“Where have you been?“ Ryan asked as they stepped away from her.

“New outfit? Very edgy.“ Graham joked with a grin.

“We were so worried about you.“ Yaz gushed. “When Ko-Shamus went after you, we knew there was a chance but when you didn’t come to find us, we started doubting…“

“Never doubt, I’m fine.“ The Doctor managed a forced smile.

“Where were you?“ Graham asked.

“Long story, not important.“ The Doctor waved it off.

“I think it is important.“ River piped up and the Fam looked over to her, curious as to who she was.

“Not now it’s not. We have a Dalek invasion to deal with.“ The Doctor shot her another threatening glance, and River squared her jaw but didn’t say anything.

“You have a plan, right?“ Yaz asked sounding hopeful.

“I always have a plan.“ The Doctor reassured her with a smile, that River knew full well was put on. The Doctor turned around to Kate. “It’s time we go and see what we can find in the Black Archives.“ The UNIT chief glanced at River briefly but then nodded slowly. “The rest of you should stay here help monitor the situation, there is no need for all of us to go.“ She looked back at the Fam and then to River.

“You’re not serious.“ River pressed through gritted teeth and Yaz protested as well.

“We only just found you again!“

“You’re not going anywhere without me.“ River insisted.

“Who are you? My babysitter?“ The Doctor retorted, but tried to keep her response more measured than before, as the Fam was here now.

“If you like.“ River said. “I’m not letting you out of my sight.“

“Fine. Fine! All come, whyever not.“ Her voice dripped with sarcasm. “Can I get back to the controls now?“ She turned back to River who held her gaze but stepped aside without comment. “Next stop Black Archives.“ The Doctor announced, setting coordinates. River walked around the console to the other side, needing to put some distance between herself and her wife. The Fam’s arrival had been excellent timing, she wouldn’t have wanted to find out what would have happened if they hadn’t interrupted. Now they were swarming around the Doctor, excited to see her again, taking up her attention while River took a deep breath.

“Are you okay?“ Kate asked in a low voice, as she stepped up to her.

“Fantastic.“ River huffed sarcastically.

“You can’t keep me in the dark any longer. What happened to her? Why did she say prison?“

“Ah, you picked up on that…“ River sighed. At least now, she didn’t have to feel bad about revealing something that wasn’t her story to tell.

“What happened to her, Professor Song, I need to know what I’m dealing with before I let her into those archives…“ Kate spoke quietly.

“She was captured and tortured by some unknown entities. They must have used some sort of time field on her as two weeks in that place felt like several centuries to her.“ She revealed, making sure the Doctor wasn’t listening in. Kate’s expression of concern turned into heartbreak and anger.

“Centuries? You’d go mad…“

“Even a Timelord would eventually… to be honest I have no idea what’s going on in her head right now, she’s behaving less and less like herself… she’s just so… angry.“

“That’s not uncommon though…“ Kate said after taking a moment to digest the news. “Shock, Denial, Anger…“

“The stages of grief.“ River realised what she was referring to and it made a lot of sense. She had been in an utter state of shock when she had found her. Then she had denied her trauma, insisting she was fine, thrown herself into her arms to forget the whole experience… now the rage, lashing out at everything and everyone.

“Maybe this is just something she has to go through.“ Kate suggested, and touched River’s arm offering some comfort.

“Let’s just hope we can go through it without turning Earth into a battleground or the Doctor killing herself in the process.“ River mumbled. That was what she was really worried about, it wasn’t just that the Doctor was becoming more and more angry and vengeful, it was the self destructiveness that she was beginning to see glimpses of.

“That’s what we’re here to make sure doesn’t happen.“ Kate took River’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


	6. Expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you soo much for your comments, they give me life!! I'm really excited and nervous about this next chapter and hope I managed to do this right. Hope you all enjoy it! <3

**Chapter 6: Expectations**

“Would you two like some time alone together?“ The Doctor asked, catching the moment of Kate squeezing River’s hand. “Or are we making post-invasion plans? Cause I know River is always up for an adventure, but I figured you to be the prudish type, Kate.“

“Very funny.“ River huffed rolling her eyes at her wife, and Kate let go of her hand.

“Just let me know when I’m not enough for you anymore, alright, River?“ The Doctor added a snide off-hand comment, as she landed the Tardis.

“Believe me, you’re quite the handful.“ River retorted, but didn’t give her a chance for a come back. “Shall we?“

As they couldn’t land in the Black Archives themselves, they had to settle for materialising in front of the Tower of London and making their way in on foot.

“While UNIT operations were suspended, I insisted on keeping the Black Archives secure, the technology here would be far too dangerous to be left unguarded.“ Kate explained, as she flashed her ID at a guard.

“That’s what I’m banking on.“ The Doctor said, and they all followed her into the Tower.

“Is it just me or is there something, you know, _off_ about the Doc?“ Graham asked, keeping Yaz and Ryan back a little so they wouldn’t be overheard.

“I’m glad it wasn’t just me that thought that.“ Yaz breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yeah something’s not right, she just doesn’t look right…“ Ryan agreed. “Could be the clothes…“

“I think the clothes are more likely a reflection…“ Yaz mused.

“And who’s that woman?“ Graham asked the next obvious question.

“I don’t know, never seen her before…“ Yaz replied. “They were arguing earlier…“

“Do you think we’ve been replaced?“ Graham suggested and Ryan carried on:

“Why isn’t she telling us where she was?“

“Well, the Doctor has never been one to share…“ Yaz shrugged. “I don’t know what it is but something just feels off about her, she’s so… I don’t know… dark and broody? Standoffish?“

River pretended not to be listening, but she was relieved about what she was hearing. The companions were picking up on it, too. Maybe reflected through them, the Doctor would see what was happening to her.

“This shouldn’t be here…“ The Doctor looked around the corridor that had been hung with heavy paintings. They hadn’t been there last time they had visited.

“Budget cuts hit everywhere, the Undergallery has been closed to make room for art people can actually go and look at. The majority of it has been brought here.“ Kate explained leading the way past the paintings.

“How poignant…“ River mused, as she stopped briefly in front of _Gallifrey Falls No More_ , a magnificent painting of the Time War. The Doctor had once recounted these events to River while they had been on Darillium and revealed, that he had yet to find out if his plan had actually worked. From the future Doctor, she had learned it had, though that was about the only thing she had told her. Looking back now, River realised she wanted her to hear things for the first time from her past self. Now she wished she had been a little bit more forthcoming with information, so she could understand what was going on in her head. Amongst it all, she couldn’t help but wonder if that future Doctor was still a certainty, or if time would be rewriting itself. Right now, she couldn’t see a way back to her.

“Doctor, this looks like Gallifrey.“ Yaz realised, halting next to River. The Doctor, however, didn’t pay them any attention, she carried on. Ryan and Graham stopped as well to have a look at the painting.

“It’s called _Gallifrey Falls No More_.“ River said with a sad smile. “It’s the last day of the Time War, the day the Doctor put an end to it.“ 

“What’s this about a Time War?“ Graham asked, and River realised that the Fam actually knew very little about the Doctor’s past.

“The war between the Daleks and Time Lords. The Doctor would be a better person to ask about it, I can only give you boring history book information.“ River smiled, reminding herself that they didn’t know who she was yet. This was the opposite from the last time they had met, when they had known her, but she hadn’t known them. At least she was well practiced with the time jumps; she had had plenty of practice with her parents. “What’s important is that we make sure it stays history.“

“Get a move on!“ The Doctor called from the front, where Kate was just about to open up the Black Archives.

“Just promise me you’ll help me keep the Doctor level headed.“ River gave the Fam a hopeful smile, and picked up the pace.

The Black Archives looked a lot like a museum. Some items were set on podiums, others stacked away in shelves. There was a lot of dust indicating, that it had been a while since the room had last been opened.

“What exactly are we looking for?“ Yaz asked, looking around.

“Anything that can be used to defend Earth against the Daleks.“ The Doctor answered, already looking around.

“So you want us to fight them?“ Ryan asked as if needing that confirmed.

“Is there no clever time travel solution to this?“ Graham asked, a little unsure about the plan.

“Not according to her…“ River said, eying up a laser gun and compared it to her current one, an upgrade probably couldn’t hurt.

“There isn’t.“ The Doctor shot River a glance. “Not exactly the all encompassing Dalek killing solution I was hoping for, but plenty of bits and pieces we can use…“ She carried on, as she picked up bit after bit of equipment she found.

“The Doctor would find a way…“ River mused, she figured she had to change tactics if she wanted the Doctor to respond and hopefully change her mind about what they ought to be doing. So far discussion hadn’t got her anywhere.

“Are you trying to be funny?“ The Doctor huffed, but didn’t look at her.

“Well, she _is_ the Doctor…“ Graham said, he had yet to get a handle on who this woman was, and whether she was just confused or hinting at something.

“Sure doesn’t feel like it.“ River strapped her newly acquired gun to herself and weighed her old on in her hand thoughtfully. Kate watched River, feeling increasingly worried. She could see what she was playing at, but she wasn’t sure if teasing and baiting the Doctor was such a good idea right about now. She couldn’t deny that they had to try something.

“I think what Professor Song is trying to say is that we were all hoping for a less confrontational solution, which is what we’ve become accustomed to from you…“ Kate offered matter of factly.

“I think Professor Song should mind her own business…“ The Doctor huffed.

“The Doctor would not ignore the consequences of their actions.“ River carried on without looking up as she pulled the battery pack off her gun, to see if it could be made to fit the new one as a back-up.

“Would you rather we didn’t fight the Daleks?“ The Doctor stopped what she was doing, and crossed her arms in front of her chest, turning to face her.

“If all the Daleks are coming here, if they’ve really abandoned Skaro, they won’t let up. There will be another Time War and Earth will be ground zero. There has to be another option.“ River sighed exasperated, looking over to her. “You can’t ignore the consequences if you make the choice to seek open confrontation.“

“Do you want to talk about consequences? _You_?“ The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief, and walked up to her. “Really, River? What about all those lives you endangered when you literally _broke_ time?“ She growled.

“I’ve paid for that, don’t you think?“ River retorted, taking a few steps towards her in turn to show she wasn’t scared.

“After I had to fix it!“ The Doctor snapped. “You always relied on me to get you out of trouble.“ She jabbed her finger at her, and then looked around the room as she felt everyone’s eyes on her. “All of you have, all of humanity!“

“Because you’ve always offered help, Doctor. That’s what you do.“ Kate replied calmly.

“The Doctor in their blue box, traveling the universe to help people.“ River said with a sad smile.

“Well, maybe it’s time I reconsidered that concept. You know I could just leave you here to fend for yourself? I don’t have to do this.“ The Doctor laughed, she just couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. She couldn’t believe that they couldn’t see she was only trying to help, that they would be on their own without her. Without a chance or hope.

“Then you would betray everything you’ve ever stood for. Then you’re not the Doctor anymore.“ River stated, looping back around to her original point.

“Well, maybe I don’t want to be, do you know how tiring it is living up to your expectations?“ She shrugged and looked around the room, regarding each of them, and focusing back on her wife at last. “Yours in particular.“

“My expectations?“ River gave a bitter laugh. “What about the expectations of me? Have you considered what it’s like to love you? Knowing you’re nothing but a tiny speck of dust in your life. How is anyone supposed to live up to the expectation of being an equal partner to you?!“ That was the one burning question, the most painful truth of her life. She would never be everything the Doctor wanted, needed or deserved. She was nothing next to the immortal time traveller, but at least she knew that, whereas the Doctor always seemed to forget.

“You know how much you mean to me.“ The Doctor pressed through gritted teeth. How dare she portray herself as the victim in this?

“Do I?“ River shot back.

“I would happily burn worlds to the ground for _you_!“ The Doctor shouted, making the Fam flinch, Kate just stared in shock and River looked back at her virtually unfazed, as if she had expected the outburst. The Doctor stepped right up to her now. “But you don’t want to hear that, do you. You want me to be the idealised same old Doctor, that’s what I have to live up to, you treat me like a _God_!“

“You portrayed yourself that way.“ River retorted icily.

“That is not true! You just can’t bare the thought that I’m not infallible, that I’m flawed, that I make mistakes. That I’m _damaged_!“ The Doctor yelled. “That’s why this is so hard for you, because this is not what you want. You want your Doctor back, but that’s not who I am anymore, and there is no going back to that.“ She spread her arms out and laughed. She might as well admit it. She had forgotten what it was like to be the Doctor. 

“You haven’t even tried.“ River shot back in frustration. “Trying is hard, it takes effort to do the right thing, it’s not easy, of course not, and I appreciate that you’re tired and angry after everything you’ve been through. But that doesn’t mean you just get to give up, and take the easy way out, without _trying_ to find your way back to yourself.“

“ _The Doctor died in that prison cell_.“ The Doctor shouted, making everyone fall quiet. Yaz, Ryan and Graham exchanged worried glances. They didn’t know what had happened to her, but this was not the Doctor they had left behind, and they couldn’t catch up with what had happened to her. Things were moving too fast to follow. They had barely learned that the mystery woman was called River, when they had to wrap their heads around some sort of romantic entanglement between her and the Doctor. All they could do was stand there and try to follow somehow. They focused on River, who seemed to be the only one that could possible have a come back to that.

“No, she merely lost herself.“ She said quietly, and reached out to touch the Doctor’s shoulder, but she slapped her hand away.

“You don’t know what I’ve been through.“ The Doctor hissed.

“Then explain!“ River exclaimed. “So we can help you.“ She knew the only way to save Earth was to get the Doctor thinking like the Doctor again, willing to try and find another way. For that she had to get through to her somehow and get to the source of it all.

“You want to know what it is that broke me River? Really?“ The Doctor yelled, her voice on the verge of breaking.

“Yes! Absolutely, yes!“ River retorted in a desperate plea, finally they were getting somewhere.

“Okay, consider this. Consider yourself, River. My _wife_.“ The Doctor gestured at her. “You died in front of me when I didn't even know you. I carried that knowledge with me, every day, as I fell in love with you more and more. Then I finally accept that that’s what was always going to happen. So I take you to Darillium, we have a wonderful life together, and I let you go.“

The heartbroken expression on the Doctor’s face made River’s breath catch.

“So I work through my grief, the pain, the what ifs, not daring to hope that I would get to see you again. But believe me, nothing kept me up at night more than ideas and plans of how I could possibly get you out of that library.“ She laughed a little at how ironic it was. “And I was too scared to venture back there, even though I knew full _well_ that that’s where you are waiting for me and I could go back at any time. So I pretended you were dead rather than entertaining false hope that I could rescue you somehow.“ She wiped away some angry tears and took a deep breath.

River felt tears coming to her eyes as well. She had never considered the impact the loss of her could have on the Doctor. Not when she thought of herself as so little next to them.

“And then, I’m suddenly all alone in a prison cell, in pain, with no distractions, without hope, and all the time in the universe to think.“ The Doctor ground her teeth in anger even thinking back to it. “Your brain can be so cruel when you have nothing to do but think. All the regrets. I ran through all the ways in which I could have saved you so many times…“ She sobbed. “And then suddenly you’re here.“ She gestured at her again and laughed.

River didn’t like the way she laughed, it was somewhere between madness, sarcasm and desperation.

“And you tell me you’re back in my future, and that I _saved_ you. And here I am again, back as the saviour.“ The Doctor couldn’t stop laughing now, in a mad heartbreaking sort of way. “I can hardly keep myself together, how am I going to do the one thing I’ve been too scared to attempt for fear of losing you forever. And you want to talk about expectations?“ She wiped her face and took a deep breath. “You won’t even tell me what I was like when I got you out, but by the look on your face I know I wasn't like this.“ She shrugged looking down herself. She looked nothing like herself, she realised. “No, I was your _perfect_ _Doctor_ again, wasn’t I?“ She laughed. “Way to pile on the pressure…“ She took a deep breath and looked at her wife, at all the conflicting emotions playing on her face. The hurt. The heartbreak. The utter disbelief at what she was hearing. And most of all the pity. That was the one reaction she couldn’t take. _Pity_. It infuriated her beyond belief and the rage boiled back to the surface as she felt her hearts quicken, her heartbeats like the beat of drums, as she growled: “I’ve got news for you, River, that future is not set in stone, time can be rewritten. I think we can both agree, I’m not the person you want me to be anymore. So quite frankly, either accept that, honour your vows, or go searching the time streams for _your_ Doctor, and I’ll find my own way, whether I meet you there or not.“ There was silence, they all stared at her as she took a couple of deep breaths, trying to recover her composure.

“You’ve been many things in your time Doctor, but never cruel.“ Kate was the first to find her voice, she looked to River who understandably had gone very pale, her expression somewhere between heartbroken and numb with disbelief.

“There’s a first time for everything.“ The Doctor shot back icily as her own words echoed through her head. _Never be cruel or cowardly._ She was guilty of both. She was not the Doctor anymore.

River bit back tears as she was beginning to process her words. She shook with anger, but she didn’t have words. What could she possibly say to that? Nothing could describe the heartbreak she was feeling. The guilt, that inadvertently, she was at the centre of the Doctor’s struggles without even realising it. 

“Doctor, I think you’re out of order…“ Yaz took a step forward. She wasn’t sure if she understood everything, but she knew enough to realise that the Doctor had crossed a line.

“Yeah I don’t know what this is about but you can’t just…“ Ryan backed her up.

“You have no idea what this is about, so bloody well keep out of it.“ The Doctor snapped at them in a way, she had never spoken to them before.

“You have no business talking to them like that, keep them out of it.“ River found her voice at last, and took a step towards the Doctor, to draw her attention away from the companions. It was not fair to drag them into it, and she wasn’t having it.

“Or what?“ The Doctor grimaced at her mockingly. That did it. River slapped her across the face.

“Right, okay, _that’s_ told me.“ The Doctor laughed patronisingly, which only infuriated River more, but before the could strike her again, the Doctor grabbed her wrist mid-air. “God, you’re hot when you get angry.“ She smirked, pulling her close, so she only needed to whisper. “I meant it you know. I would burn down worlds for you and I always would have if it meant getting you back. I’m not so different now to what I used to be, I just used to be much better at pretending.“

“But not this one. You will _not_ let Earth burn.“ River growled, and pushed her away, refusing to believe her.

“Why don’t we all just take a deep breath? Doctor?“ Kate stepped in between the two women, and gently pushed the Doctor along to come with her. “The Osgoods sent word that the Daleks have just passed Jupiter.“

Reluctantly, the Doctor turned her back and followed Kate, she barely flinched when she heard a crashing sound. River had thrown her old gun into the wall, needing to somehow air her anger. She just carried on, she was needed elsewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologise for the emotional upheaval and hope it came across ok! Let me know what you think <3


	7. Too Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I'm so happy you all enjoyed that last chapter, I'm really proud of it and I mulled over that argument for AGES! So, I'm so happy it came across well. Thank you all for your lovely comment and encouragement, it keeps me going.   
> I'm gonna have to put a light trigger warning on this next chapter for suicide attempt, I don't think it's all that trigger-y but you never know and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.   
> Hope you all enjoy this next chapter, let me know what you think <3

**Chapter 7: Too Far**

“Are you okay?“ Yaz asked tentatively. She already knew the answer to that question, but she asked anyway. River rubbed her face and cursed under her breath, as she looked at the smashed weapon.

“Fine…“ She huffed, as she picked up the device and dropped it again, realising it was beyond repair. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to focus, trying to make sense of things but she couldn’t. What if the Doctor was right? What if time would rewrite itself? What if the Doctor, that had got her out of the library, would end up being this Doctor, only able to put on a better front? How did she feel about her now? Did her words change things? She wanted the Doctor to be the way she had used to be, like he had been when they had fallen in love. The most painful part, however, was that as she knew that even if the Doctor stayed like this, she would not be able to let her go. She would keep hoping against hope, keep loving her, keep trying to fix her. The realisation brought tears to her eyes.

Her entire life, her timeline, her very existence was moulded around the Doctor. She had been born to kill him, overcome her nature to save him, become the person she was to be there and support him and, eventually, to die for him. Now she had been given a new lease of life and again, as time looped around these events, it turned out she had been brought back to save her. The Doctor was the very centre of her existence. She was nothing without her. No matter how independent she was, how many adventures and love affairs she had, in the end it always circled back to the one person that held eternal dominion over her heart. Even if she wanted to, she wouldn’t be able to let her go. And it hurt.

She started to cry. The pressure was just too much, she couldn’t hold her emotions at bay any longer. Why was the Doctor doing this to her? Did she care for her feelings so little? Or did she care as much as she said she did, and River couldn’t bare the truth? Everything blended together in a whirlwind of confusing emotions.

The Fam exchanged worried glances. They didn’t know this woman apart from what they had just picked up through the conversation, but it was clear this was someone who cared deeply for the Doctor, and the Doctor was supposed to care deeply for her. And she had hurt her, a lot.

“River?“ Yaz asked carefully, hopeful she’d picked up her name correctly. “It’ll be okay, I’m sure she didn’t mean it, she’s just… a bit… I don’t know, but it’s not like her and…“ 

“Oh, she meant it, believe me, she meant it.“ River mumbled, embarrassed at her emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this…“

“I’m sure this is pretty much out of the ordinary for all of us…“ Yaz took her hand, and the boys stepped up to her offering their encouragement.

“The Osgoods didn’t really message, did they?“ The Doctor sighed, looking at Kate who gave her a very stern look in return.

“They did, actually, so we do need to come up with something, but I will not allow you to carry out your little war game. I demand you find another solution.“ The UNIT chief crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“You demand?“ The Doctor raised her eyebrows at her.

“Yes, Doctor, I demand it. You technically work for us, remember.“ Kate pointed out.

“And you think on that basis you can make demands of me? _Of me?_ “ The Doctor laughed in disbelief.

“Decide what you want Doctor; do you want to be treated like a God or be one of us, and we try to find a solution together? Because you have just lost the trust of every person in that room. You’ve let them see behind your _God-like_ mask. All we see now is someone that’s severely broken, with a bad temper and total disregard for their loved one’s feelings. You might want to think about that as you try and redeem yourself.“ Kate said calmly.

“Why would I want that?“ The Doctor questioned.

“Because you just very nearly lost your wife then, whether you realise it or not. That woman loves you, and why? I haven’t got the _faintest_ idea right now. She doesn’t want a God to worship and love, she wants a person that tries their hardest and does their best. And she deserves nothing less. Maybe before lamenting about how you struggled with her death, think about the fact that she’s the one that actually _died_! For you. You owe River Song. _Don’t_ disappoint her now.“ Kate insisted with steely determination. “And then, if you want to stop being the _Doctor_ , then that’s your choice, call yourself the _Valeyard_ if the shoe fits. But don’t disappoint her now, or your friends.“

“Well, Kate Steward, you do have a certain pragmatism about you, don’t you.“ The Doctor huffed, unable to come up with a better response.

“I don’t need you to like me, Doctor, I need you to listen.“ With that she turned and left her to her own thoughts. The Doctor looked around. Across the Archives, her eyes found River. The Fam were with her. Of course they were. Comforting her, she had been crying. The Doctor’s heart sank. She had gone too far. Why would she ever tell River to go? What even made her say that? She had spoken the truth, the harsh truth about how she felt. About the pressure to be perfect, about knowing that she was far from it. About the pain and grief and fear… she had laid it all bare. But why had she not let River make of it what she will and accepted her reaction? Why had she turned spiteful and cruel, and told her to accept her like it, or go? She couldn’t bare the thought of losing her again. What if she actually choose, that she couldn’t do this anymore? What if she actually went and let her fend for herself? She would never be able to get to who she needed to be, to actually save her.

She took a few steps in their direction, then paused, scared. She couldn’t bear the idea of her rejecting her now. If she didn’t go to her now, she couldn’t reject her. But equally if she didn’t go, she might lose her anyway. Angry tears came to her eyes. Why was she so _weak_? She took a deep breath and made her way over to her wife. The Fam looked up seeing her approaching, and Ryan and Graham actually felt the need to step in her way protectively.

“Calmed down, have we?“ Graham asked and the Doctor bit her tongue. She knew she had gone too far, and she did her best to keep her emotions in check now. Nevertheless, she didn’t like the way they interjected themselves in something, that was none of their business, but then, they did it out of the kindness of their hearts. Objectively, what they saw was someone having a mad rant at their spouse and they felt the need to protect that person now. The Doctor wouldn’t have thought of it as nosy, the Doctor would have thought it admirable, she reminded herself.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you.“ She said. “It was the heat of the moment.“ 

“Yeah, it was heated alright.“ Ryan replied. “We get you’ve been through some stuff, but you can’t talk to people like that.“

“I said I was sorry.“ The Doctor balled her hands to fists, what else did he expect?

“Guys, it’s fine.“ River pushed past them, she didn’t need anyone to protect her and not from the Doctor.

“It’s not fine.“ Yaz interjected.

“It is.“ River insisted looking at her wife now. Of course it wasn’t fine. It had been the very opposite of fine, but it had opened her eyes to what was going on with her wife, and now, she had had a moment to digest it. At least she had been honest about how she felt, about the pressure and the pain.

“Maybe now, I’ve done something that justifies my prison term, huh?“ The Doctor hung her head a little, she knew she had to apologise but she couldn’t quite find the right words.

“Oh, Doctor.“ River sighed.

“Finally, I’ve become what everyone has always wanted me to be. The Oncoming Storm. The Valeyard. The Beast of Trenzalore. The Destroyer of Worlds. The Butcher of Skull Moon. _The Doctor of War_ …“ The Doctor laughed, thinking about all the nicknames she had been given over the years for her actions, none of which were truly intended to harm. What would they call her now, if she started the second time war? She looked up at River surprised not to see anger but sadness. “I have no control over myself anymore, River, none.“ She admitted taking a deep breath, averting her eyes again. She needed to calm the rage. She knew the one thing the Master had never had, was someone by their side to help them do that. She was at an advantage there. Unless, of course, River decided she had had enough and walked away. She looked up at her again, her vision blurring through tears. “I need you to help me regain in.“ She reached out for her hand, pleading now. She couldn’t lose her. “Please.“ She felt like her emotions were ripping her apart, the anger, the sadness, the fear, they were pulling her down and she was drowning. She dropped onto her knees in front of her. She was no God and she didn’t want to be. What she wanted and needed was her wife.

“I don’t want you to burn worlds for me, Doctor.“ River said at last, working through her emotions and the Doctor looked up.

“I won’t.“ The Doctor sobbed and River knelt down as well, and pulled her into her arms. The Doctor grabbed on to her, digging her nails into her shoulders, she needed something to hold on to.

“I don’t need you to be a God, Doctor, I just need you to be kind… and do good.“ She smiled a sad smile and the Doctor nodded, tears in her eyes still. She would try. No matter how much it hurt or how hard it was, even if it killed her, she would try. For her. River kissed the top of her head and held her close for a long moment, feeling an incredible sense of relief. It was the first step.

“I hate to break up a moment, but the Daleks have just passed Mars, we need a plan.“ Kate drew their attention, giving them as long as she possibly could.

“Right, okay.“ The Doctor took a deep breath and wiped her face. River gave her a half-smile and as they got to their feet. “No nuclear weapons, but what else would you suggest? If you want to prevent a full on war, we need to stop them before they get here.“

“We need to make them disappear.“ River said.

“Is that just a fancy word for destroying them?“ The Doctor looked back at her, and River chuckled shaking her head.

“No, I mean actually make them disappear, to a different dimension or something…“ She looked back at the Doctor, waiting for the penny to drop. The idea had come to her on the way into the Archive, and at last, the Doctor was in a frame of mind to entertain it.

“River that’s…“ The Doctor’s face brightened.

 _“Gallifrey will fall no more.“_ River nodded with a smile, making sure she understood her.

“Brilliant, that’s _brilliant_.“ The Doctor exclaimed.

“We do have two Tardises.“ River pointed out.

“The calculations would be much easier, we’re not trying to make a planet disappear, just a fleet. We could create a rift.“ The Doctor clapped her hands, and River nodded.

“Between the two Tardises, it would drag them in.“

“That’s brilliant.“ The Doctor lunged forward and kissed her wife in excitement. “Still not easy mathematically speaking…“ She mused after the kiss ended and River laughed.

“Good job you started the calculations early.“ She pulled out her sonic screwdriver. “You wouldn’t tell me what they were for at the time, but you said I would understand when it was time, and I’m pretty sure I do.“ The Doctor laughed.

“Well, I’m glad one version of me knows what they’re doing.“ She took the screwdriver off River. The calculations had finished. “Let’s send them as far away from Earth as possible.“

“Does anyone know what’s going on here?“ Graham asked.

“I think they’ve just come up with a way to save us all.“ Kate smiled.

——

“You couldn’t have chosen anything less conspicuous?“ The Doctor eyed the second Tardis that stood on a trailer outside the makeshift UNIT headquarters.

“We were lucky that we were able to change it at all, it had taken the shape of a house.“ Yaz pointed out.

“Yes, but the whole point of the chameleon circuit is to make it blend in, any Dalek will know that’s a Tardis.“ The Doctor chuckled, surveying the police box that only distinguished itself from her Tardis in colour. This one was green.

“Let’s not waste anymore time.“ River said, about to climb the trailer to get into the Tardis.

“I will fly the spare.“ The Doctor grabbed hold of her arm to stop her.

“Why? I can do that.“ River looked at her confused. Why wouldn’t she want to fly her own Tardis?

“Just because you can fly _my_ Tardis doesn’t mean you can fly _any_ Tardis, it’s just cause she’s being nice.“ The Doctor pointed out.

“That’s not true, of course I can fly the other Tardis.“ River retorted, slightly offended.

“With my Tardis all you have to do is plug your sonic in and it will do the rest, this one needs actually programming.“ The Doctor tried to reason with her.

“Doctor…“ River rolled her eyes at her wife.

“River, this is your idea and it’s brilliant, I’ve given in, we’re doing this your way, please let _me_ make sure it actually works.“ The Doctor took her hand.

“Fine, whatever…“ River sighed, giving her wife a look that made the Doctor chuckle.

“You need to trust me.“ She insisted.

“I do trust you.“ River smiled, feeling a little better for seeing the Doctor actually trying.

“Right, then let’s get on with this.“ The Doctor kissed her wife’s cheek and climbed the trailer. “You three make sure she doesn’t break my Tardis.“ She instructed the Fam.

“I think you’ll find I’m a much better driver than her.“ River chuckled and they made their way to the Doctor’s Tardis, while the Doctor herself stepped into the green one. It had the same plain design hers used to have, when she had first stolen it and it made her feel a little nostalgic.

“Let’s see what you can do…“ She mumbled to herself as much as to the Tardis, as she started inputting the calculations River had provided.

——

“Do you think she will be okay?“ Graham asked as they gathered around the Tardis’s control panel.

“For now… while there is a job to be done.“ River nodded and connected her screwdriver to the controls.

“And what happens afterwards?“ Yaz wanted to know.

“Marriage counselling.“ River answered, half jokingly half serious. There was a lot they had yet to work through, but one crisis at a time.

“So you’re actually her wife, huh?“ Graham grinned in amusement. They had never considered the Doctor to have romantic relations at all, least of all actually be married. Under the current circumstances, there had been little opportunity to stop and actually wrap their heads around this new bit of information about the Doctor. Now, that the Tardis was doing it’s bit by itself and launched into action, they had a moment to do just that.

“For better of for worse…“ River sighed, watching the controls as they materialised just beyond the moon.

“I think it’s good.“ Ryan said.

“You do?“ River chuckled.

“She needs someone to look after her, whatever it was that happened… she needs help.“ He explained. 

“And she’ll be getting it, from all of us.“ Yaz added, with a determined nod. River couldn’t help but smile. She was beginning to see, why the Doctor was so attached to her Fam.

“Well, let’s get rid off some Daleks and we can be home in time for tea.“ She turned the screen on to see the other Tardis materialise a few hundred yards from them. On another screen they could see the Dalek fleet approaching them. “Ready, Doctor?“

“Ready when you are.“ The Doctor’s voice came across the speakers and the image of her transmitted onto another screen. She gave them a little wave, then carried on typing on her console. She placed her hand on a lever and glanced up again to look at them on her screen. A grin spread across her face, swept up in the excitement of actually being able to accomplish something. River nodded and placed her hand on the equivalent lever in their Tardis.

“Let’s do this.“ River smiled, and without needing another word, they pushed down the levers at the same time. The Tardises started spinning, picking up speed and started circling, a safe distance from the moon, drawing a parameter, a line so to speak. They circled around each other and pulled apart and the conflicting energies gripped open a hole in the fabric of space. It grew and grew as the Tardises pulled apart further on opposite sides of the rift, widening the gap just at the Daleks drew close.

“DOCTOR.“ A chorus of angry metallic voices sounded, loud enough to hear inside the Tardis.

“Don’t _Doctor_ me. The Doctor isn’t home. The Doctor might have given you one last chance to retreat, but I won’t.“ The Doctor huffed and hit another button sending a neutron blast through the rift that broke down the last barrier. Suddenly, there was a gravity to the rift that started drawing the Daleks in.

“It’s working!“ Yaz exclaimed.

“Of course it’s working.“ River grinned, but didn’t watch the Daleks tumbling in to it. She watched the Doctor in the other screen, holding on to the controls in her Tardis as it shook and trembled like their own, with the effort of staying clear of the gaping hole themselves. The pull increased, suddenly, red lights flashed around the Tardis and an alarm blared.

“What’s happening?“ Yaz asked, her excitement turning into concern. River flipped some switches, bringing up the alarms one by one.

“The rift is expending further, it shouldn't be doing that.“ She realised, and the Doctor on screen said.

“It’s not stable, the disturbance was too great, it’s developing a mind of its own!“ The pull kept increasing still. The Daleks’ tinny distress calls turned into a roaring storm as they were all dragged into the abyss. With every one it swallowed, the rift seemed to expand as if they were feeding it energy to do so.

“Doctor, we need to fall back, we will be dragged in as well!“ River called over the racket.

“Yes, fall back!“ The Doctor yelled back. “We need to find a way to close it, else it will keep growing and swallow Earth!“ In theory, the mass of the Dalek fleet should have been enough to close the gap, but it seemed to have the opposite effect now. There were huge flashes of light and energy, sending tremors through space, as the Daleks’ huge war ships were swallowed. Soon there would be nothing left but the rift kept growing, the pull becoming greater and greater. River steered the Tardis back.

“Fall back, Doctor!“ She called to the screen where she saw her wife frantically working the controls of her own Tardis. “What are you doing?!“

“Working out a way to close the rift, this is more dangerous than the Daleks!“ She answered and River knew she was right. If it kept expanding, the whole solar system would be dragged into it like into a black hole.

“What’s your plan?“ She demanded to know, as the last of the Dalek ships disappeared into the rift.

“A massive explosion of artron energy.“ The Doctor answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “We have ripped a hole in space-time, it will reverse time in that part of space to heal the gap and seal the Daleks, wherever they are now.“

“Don’t do it, Doctor.“ River exclaimed realising what she was talking about.

“The only thing that can generate that amount of time energy is a Tardis.“ The Doctor laughed, shaking her head at the irony of it all.

“Don’t you dare.“ River yelled, gripping on to the console tightly.

“What is she talking about?“ Graham asked, he wasn’t following.

“Come on River, you knew it would end like this, you knew what was going on with me. You were right, of course you were, you know me better than anyone else.“ The Doctor called looking up to the screen now. Her expression was one of relief. It would be so easy. The opportunity was right there. So why not? It made so much sense. She could just end their joint torture once and for all.

“Set a remote course, come up with something.“ River demanded desperately.

“Why? This is easier, I can’t do this River, there is no coming back from this for me. Think of all the destruction I would cause if I carried on on this way. I don’t want to become like the Master, consumed by my rage, I won’t have it.“ The Doctor shook her head defiantly. She was tired of trying, and scared of what she might become capable of. This would be better. Peace at last. “No, let me put an end to it, while I’m in the frame of mind to do it. Let me be the Doctor one last time.“

“You can’t do this.“ River shouted.

“It’s not up to you.“ The Doctor stepped away from her console, clearly having accomplish what she needed. She turned and looked at the screen facing River one last time. She didn’t have the words to truly convey how she felt, but she hoped she could read her expression well enough. “I’m sorry River, I’m so sorry, you deserved so much better than this. But please let me finally have peace and the universe will be better of for it. I love you. I’m sorry.“

“NO!“ River shouted as the screen went dark, the Doctor had turned off communications. There was no time for long and painful goodbyes. She knew the Doctor hated endings.

“We have to do something!“ Yaz exclaimed panicked.

“We can’t fly the Tardis closer, we will be dragged in as well!“ River pressed through gritted teeth.

“What do we do?“ The Fam looked to River.

“Right then, this is it.“ The Doctor set a course for the rift and programmed detonation for the moment she would cross the event horizon, her best chance of sealing the rift. She didn’t want to risk getting cold feet at the last minute and miss the window. She turned away from the console, she didn’t want to see it coming, she sat down and leaned against the control panel. She relaxed at last, letting herself feel all the emotions she had been trying to contain, and accepted them. The hate, the rage, the grief, the loss, the sadness, the fear. But there was joy as well. Happy memories. So many good things she had done, so many wonderful things she had experienced, and amazing people she had met. All the brilliant people she had travelled with. She had been so lucky to have known them. She thought back to the people back in her Tardis. Her Fam. They hadn’t deserved this, the way she had treated them. She hoped they would be able to forgive her. River would explain. River. Her wonderful wife. She had let her down in the end. She had many regrets but that was her greatest. To have disappointed her like this. Maybe at least this final deed of keeping Earth save would redeem her at least a little bit. River… Tears clouded her vision. She wished she had had one last kiss, held her hand one last time. She sobbed. It had to be any moment now.


	8. Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! As always thank you all for your lovely comments! Got to admit, this time around you actually made me rethink some stuff and I ended up rewriting a huge chunk of this and I think/hope it got a lot better! It also got a lot longer because of that so I'm adding a chapter to the overall count... don't hold me to it but I think that's what it'll end up being now haha! Anyway, I'll explain in the end notes what I changed lol. So big thank you for that! Enjoy!

**Chapter 8: Selfish**

“River, what are we going to do?“ Yaz screamed over the roaring of the engines, as the Tardis tried its best to keep them from falling into the rift.

“She wouldn’t. She can’t.“ River shook her head; she gripped on to the Tardis console. All she could do was watch the green Tardis tumble inside the rift, and in a blinding white explosion, it ripped apart.

“DOCTOR!“ The Fam shouted in unison, River’s hearts stopped for a second. She stood shellshocked as a wave of white energy came rolling towards them. It had to be a trick. The Doctor couldn’t actually be dead? She refused to contemplate it … even in the midst of an exploding Tardis it was an impossibility. The Doctor had yet to rescue her from the Library, their timelines wouldn’t allow for this, would they? The shockwave drew closer. Maybe this _was_ it, maybe this was the end of the universe coming for them. She had no time to try and wrap her head around it, instead she braced for impact. At least she would be with her Doctor again… Suddenly, everything went very still around her, as the energy wave rolled over them.

“What’s happening?“ Graham asked confused, and River looked around. The shaking androaring had stopped, the Tardis was completely still as if _everything_ had just stopped, with the exception for Yaz, Ryan, Graham and her. She looked back at the screen, and saw the explosion of the green Tardis frozen, a moment in time. An impossible moment. The Doctor couldn’t die today. And yet she did. She had actually done it. River felt numb. She put up her walls, and simply refused to feel the emptiness, the desperation and heartbreak that threatened to tear her down. River refused to accept this reality.

“Nothing is happening.“ River answered quietly as she stepped away from the controls.

“Nothing is happening?“ Yaz repeated in disbelief.

“Time is frozen, it’s breaking down, it’s dying.“ She explained as if on auto-pilot. It gave her something to focus on other than the fact, that the woman she loved had just taken her own life.

“Time is dying?“ Ryan was utterly confused.

“But why?“ Yaz asked.

“The Doctor can’t die today, but she did. She’s created a paradox that’s slowly ripping time apart…“ River answered slowly as she turned to face them.

“She actually died?“ Yaz stared back at her in disbelief. She couldn’t possibly be right.

“Yes, she did…“ River said, with a voice devoid of emotion, of _anything_. There was more to it than that, she reminded herself. “But also, she hasn’t, not yet, not in this bubble, in the epicentre…“ She tried her best to explain.

“Then there is still hope!“ Graham exclaimed.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,“ River took a deep breath. “I can’t make her, if this is what she wants… God, she’s such a selfish idiot…“ River shook her head to herself and started inputting coordinates into her vortex manipulator.

“What are you going to do?“ Yaz asked stepping forward, but River couldn’t bear anymore questions. She needed to see the Doctor, even if it was only for one last time.

“I’ll be back.“ She told them. “I hope, anyway.“

Before the Fam could argue, she disappeared and materialised again inside the exploding Tardis. The explosion was happening all around her. Fire. Light. Energy. Suspended in time. And there was the Doctor. Hugging her legs to her chest, back against the control panel, the eye of the storm, as everything around her went supernova. River did her best to keep her tears at bay. Tears of joy for seeing her alive and tears of sorrow at how scared, alone and desperate she looked. She looked so small and lost in the middle of the inferno and yet she was the source of it, the spark.

“I’m glad it wasn’t me this time…“ River didn’t know how to best approach her, so she went with the first thing that came to her mind. “You and me again… Ground zero of another explosion that’s going to rip time apart…“ She took a careful step towards her, pushing aside her own emotions to focus on her wife instead.

“River…“ The Doctor looked up slowly, her face tear stained. She looked around herself and then up to River. She smiled a sad smile, her voice was heavy with tears. “Paradox… of course… I’m not meant to die here…“ She realised and laughed a little, though she couldn't deny the rush of joy she felt for seeing River.

“But you did.“ River said softly.

“I did.“ The Doctor chuckled almost not believing it. But she immediately felt a sting of guilt at seeing the heartbreak in her wife’s eyes and realising the disaster that was happening around her. Or rather not happening.

“How could you?“ River shook her head, trying her best not to let her frustration show. “Did you not realise this would happen?“

“It was the furthest thing from my mind…“ The Doctor admitted.

“You selfish idiot.“ River shook her head laughing to herself a little.

“Don’t I get to be selfish sometimes?“ The Doctor mumbled, averting her eyes.

“And risk the lives of billions and billions of people?“ River shook her head. “No-one gets to be _that_ selfish.“

“I guess not…“ The Doctor huffed and looked at her again. There was a long silence as both of them contemplated what to say. What were they doing? The Doctor had made her choice. Had River come to talk her into reversing it? Had she come for the sake of the universe? Or for her?

“I guess the question is the same question you posted me all that time ago…“ River said at last. “ _Will you suffer more than any living thing in the universe_ unless you do this?“ Her demeanour changed, she wasn’t blaming her for her choice, she was just trying to understand.

“That’s not fair, turning my words back on me.“ The Doctor mumbled, pressing her forehead against her knees while closing her eyes. How could she justify it if asked like that?

“The question is whether you’re able to listen to yourself.“ River replied softly. “Are you going to do the selfish thing, or the right thing.“ She knew that the Doctor, _her_ _Doctor_ , knew the difference. She knew the right choice, even at expense of her own desire. The Doctor looked up at her and smiled sadly. River was relieved to see that she had already realised her mistake.

“Don’t I get to rest?“ The Doctor asked instead, tears welling up in her eyes again.

“Of course you do, if that’s what you truly want… But maybe don’t risk the end of time for it.“ River answered.

“I’m just so tired…“ The Doctor sobbed.

“I know.“ River took a step closer. It was impossible to overlook the exhaustion, or the physical and mental strain.

“It seemed so easy to just, give in…“ The Doctor sighed wiping her face. She looked around herself, at the frozen fire and destruction. “A life this long… it takes a toll…“

“Is this what you want?“ River asked softly, kneeling down in front of her.

“I don’t know…“ The Doctor shook her head and shrugged. “I don’t know how long I can keep going…“

“You don’t have to do this alone.“ River gave her a reassuring smile.

“But I do. I have to decide for myself, that I want to live, and I don’t know how… what is the point of it all?“ She wiped away the tears that just kept falling, as she looked back at her wife. She was the only thing that gave her direction now.

“I can’t tell you what the meaning of life is, Doctor…“ River laughed a little. That question was a bit much to answer. “But I can tell you of the void you would leave behind… The universe needs you, Doctor. Your friends need you. I need you.“

“I need you, too.“ The Doctor whispered and reached out to her.

“You have me.“ River leaned forward and took her hand in hers. “Nice to be able to touch you this time.“

“No opposite poles, this one is all me.“ The Doctor chuckled and took a deep breath to try and collect herself.

“Remember what I told you the last time I thought I’d lose you?“ River shuffled around to sit next her her. She put her am around her and pulled her close. The Doctor rested her head against Rivers shoulder, and looked at their intertwined hands. River stroked her thumb over the back of her hand and she murmured, “That I can’t let you die… without knowing you are loved.“

“By so many and so much…And by no-one more than you.“ The Doctor smiled remembering her words well.

“And if you decide that… this is what you want… then I can’t let you go without making sure you know and remember that.“ River pressed a kiss to her wife’s head, trying her best to hide the tears, she couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Oh River, why do you have to be… _this_?“ The Doctor sighed and closed her eyes, inhaling her scent, feeling at home and safe for a moment.

“You never actually said what you meant by that. What is “this“?“ River chuckled a little remembering fondly, how the Doctor had huffed and puffed, annoyed and in love all at once. This time, however, the Doctor chose to answer. And why the hell not. She was dead anyway.

“The woman that I want to move heaven and earth for, who I’d go to the end of time for… For you, I would break time, move mountains, make towers sing and break every rule. And yes, River, I’d even burn worlds for you. You must understand that all this… it’s still inside me, it’s not just going to go away…“ Slowly the Doctor sat up and looked her in the eyes, making sure that she understood how serious she was.

“I know that, Doctor. It has probably always been there.“ River understood. “You are a force of nature, and if you lose control you are a raging storm. But more often than not, you use that force to do good, be kind, and to help.“ She gave her a soft smile, and her hand a squeeze.

“I always used to say, that when people asked for help, I’d never refuse.“ The Doctor half smiled, remembering that it was the first thing she was certain of, after her last regeneration, when she couldn’t remember who she was.

“Then help me, Doctor. Help me put this right, and help me to save you.“ River said sounding almost hopeful now.

“How could I ever say no to you. River Song. Melody Pond. My wife.“ The Doctor smiled softly.

“Just promise me you will try. Not just for me but for yourself. Together we will make sense of what happened. You will find a way back to yourself, and you will find joy again. Excitement, adventure, and if not peace, at least calm… You have so much to live for.“ River reached out and brushed her fingertips along her tear stained cheek. “That’s _your_ universe out there, that you have spent so much time and energy on protecting it. The good things may not always make up for the bad things we go through, but it doesn’t make them less important.“

“I promise I will try.“ The Doctor took a deep breath and nodded and River smile, gratefully. She leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to her wife’s lips. The Doctor smiled, her hearts suddenly lighter than it had been in a long long time. Maybe she could do this after all, she was ready to accept help, and River accepted her the way she was, flaws and all. The Doctor knew she was broken and lost, but she was willing to try and address the damage, with River by her side. “Will I remember this?“ The Doctor asked, suddenly concerned for the emotional progress and realisations she had made.

“Do you remember our wedding?“ River asked and the Doctor chuckled.

“How could I possibly forget?“

“Then you will remember this as well.“ River smiled, as she let go of her, and got to her feet.

“Come and save me, River…“ The Doctor looked up at her, her words more pleading than she intended.

“I will. I promise.“ River nodded and started setting coordinates on her vortex manipulator to just before the explosion.

A sad smile grew on the Doctors cheeks, as she nodded and acknowledged the sincerity of Rivers promise. The Doctor believed that she would try, she wished she could also believed, that River would succeed. Not in saving her from the explosion - she knew for a fact River _would_ \- but she hoped River would be able to save her from herself, as well. The Doctor closed her eyes as River disappeared, the timeline reversing the moment River wrapped her hand around her wife’s wrist, moments before the explosion would engulfed them.

In a flash, the Doctor experienced the unpleasant time travel of a vortex manipulator. She found herself back in the Tardis, which was shaking and straining with great effort to stay clear of the rift. They had jumped back in time to before the explosion.

“You really are such a fucking idiot!“ River exclaimed, annoyed and relieved at the same time. The Doctor landed on her arse and stared at her wife in shock, confused for a moment as her brain caught up with the alternate timelines. River had fixed it, she had never died, at least not in this version. The Doctor stared up at her wife.

“River…“ In the background on screen, the other Tardis fell into the rift and exploded, sealing it up, as if nothing had ever happened, and the Tardis stopped shaking as everything went quiet. Time carried on ticking. The rift was sealed. She was alive… it was a strange sort of relief she was feeling; she had been so sure that’s what she wanted in that moment, but now that she saw River again… she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around the wife.

“Why am I in love with the greatest idiot in the universe?“ River patted her wife’s head, who continued to cling to her middle.

“I’m so sorry.“ The Doctor mumbled thoroughly embarrassed now that she had nearly caused the end of time itself by simply not thinking her actions through.

“You better be.“ Yaz interjected sternly.

“Don’t you dare do that again!“ Graham agreed and Ryan added.

“We would never have forgiven you!“

The Doctor was only half paying attention to them; she slowly let go of River and clambered to her feet.

“You could have done this without me agreeing to it.“ She realised.

“Yes.“ River nodded slowly.

“What would you have done if I had said no?“ The Doctor asked and River didn’t answer initially.

“I don’t know.“ She admitted at last.

“Would you not have saved the universe?“ The Doctor raised her eyebrows, not sure what to make of that answer.

“I would have, of course,… cause I know you would want me to, even if you didn’t at the time… I would have saved you, take you to the Library, saved myself,.. and let you go. If that was what you wanted…“ River explained quietly, she couldn’t quite meet her eyes.

“Could you?“ The Doctor asked softly.

“Don’t ask me questions I don’t know the answers to.“ River shook her head, and took a deep breath to keep control of her emotions.

“If I asked you to let me go?“ The Doctor pressed on.

“Please don’t make me find out.“ River met her eyes, and the Doctor immediately regretted pushing - seeing the depth of fear and sorrow in her wife’s eyes. “Don’t go where I’m not sure I can follow.“

“I don’t intend to. I’m so sorry, River.“ The Doctor hung her head, and wrapped her arms around her wife who pulled her close in turn.

“I’m sorry you felt like you needed to do this…“ River mumbled into her hair, and pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

“Maybe I just… needed to go there to have some clarity.“ The Doctor said quietly. “You’re right… I need help. I’m not okay.“

“I know you’re not, and that’s fine. You don’t have to be. We’ll figure this out together.“ River held her close, whispering reassurance to her. “You have all the help you could possibly need right here.“ She let go of her and took her hand, before gesturing around the Tardis to the Fam who gave her hopeful and reassuring smiles.

“I need to find out why they did this to me… what’s behind all this…“ The Doctor said, realising that that was the one thing that bothered her more than anything else. The _why_. Perhaps she could find a way to deal with the trauma with the help of the people close to her, but to make sense of it all and find closure, she needed to know what could possibly be important enough to imprison and torture her the way she had been.

“Then you and me will go and find out.“ River offered. If that was what she needed then that’s what they would do. Anything to help her start healing.

“About my future self…“ The Doctor said slowly looking up to her wife again, who gave her a soft smile.

“Spoilers, my dear.“

“I just need to know… after I rescue you from the Library… do you… do we…“ She averted her eyes, she didn’t really know how to phrase her question. “I don’t think I can carry on without you.“

“Well, let me put it this way: When we’re done here, when you’re ready and I send you on your merry way to rescue my past self, I plan on being on my way to find your future self again.“

“Full circle.“

“As full a circle we can manage anyway.“ River chuckled.

“Right.“ The Doctor laughed through some tears of relief. “I think… I think I’m gonna get changed…“ She looked down herself wondering what she had been thinking when she had got dressed. She even _looked_ like the Master…

“I would offer to help, but we have company.“ River smirked and the Doctor laughed, blushing a little at the amused faces all round. It was a proper laugh and it made River’s hearts beat a little faster.

——

“I’m truly sorry for the way I behaved…“ The Doctor pushed her hands into her coat pockets embarrassed, standing in front of Kate Stewart and the Osgoods. “I hope you can forgive me.“

“In the end, you saved the day as you always do, Doctor.“ Kate said, regarding her change of outfit. She certainly looked a lot more like the Doctor now, though the waistcoat suit had been vastly more fashionable. “I hope you can figure out what you need to.“

“I think I’m beginning to.“ The Doctor half smiled and ran her hand through her hair. It wasn’t gone. The fear, the anger, the nagging questions of why. But she had laid her heart bare to River, even if it hadn’t been in the best possible way. She felt relieved that she knew how she felt. She had accepted it. Now they just had to deal with it. It was a step in the right direction, and the Doctor could breath a little more freely for it.

“I think we will be on our way now, there are some burning questions we need to deal with and we could have done without the Dalek distraction.“ River smiled and grabbed hold of her wife’s hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“Maybe… or maybe it was just what you needed, to help you move forward.“ Kate offered and River knew there was some truth to it. If they had stayed cooped up in the Tardis while the Doctor had gone through her rage, things could have been far worse if she had been the only thing to direct her anger at. The Dalek had taken a fair share.

“Thank you, Kate.“ The Doctor said, grateful for how she had talked some sense into her in the archives, and the UNIT chief nodded.

“Until next time, Doctor, Professor Song.“ She smiled at them and they took their leave.

“Oh and Kate, if you ever need an archeologist or, you know, you need someone to share a bottle of wine with, you have my number on file, I’m sure.“ River waved goodbye with a smirk, and Kate blushed scarlet, while the Doctor gave her wife a little slap on the shoulder.

——

“You’re not taking us with you, are you?“ Yaz realised, as the Doctor and River walked back up to the Tardis. They had been waiting outside for them.

“I think I still have a bit to go before I’m safe to travel with again…“ The Doctor said quietly and they nodded.

“We understand.“ Graham said.

“You just find your answers and get better.“ Ryan said touching the Doctor’s shoulder.

“Just don’t forget to pick us up when you’re ready.“ Yaz smiled.

“How could I.“ The Doctor felt so guilty, for how she had treated them and couldn’t believe, that they chose to unwaveringly support her nonetheless.

“I will return her in one piece.“ River promised and the three of them waved goodbye, as the Doctor and her wife disappeared into the Tardis and set off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo... before I was going to have River teleport in and pull the Doctor out without letting her die first. And then have the Doctor realise that she's happy that she saved her and that the moment of self destructiveness had sort of passed. Then, several of you pointed out, that I probably wouldn't let her die anyway. That got me thinking about what would happen if I did. I thought about what a paradox scenario would look like and obviously I heavily based it on "The Wedding of River Song". And I ended up writing it just to see which I liked better and realised that for me, it seemed important to the story to actually have the Doctor's consent to being rescued before doing it. And have a bit of a heart to heart which I didn't really have before. So I think this works much better and I'm happy I changed it. Also, i just had this image in my head of the Doctor sitting in the middle of an explosion like that. In my head it looked like Elsa in Frozen after her parents die when she sits in her room surrounded by ice. That's the imagery I was going for, I hope that came across.   
> Anyway, sorry about the essay, hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think!


	9. Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm so glad you all liked the way I ended up doing the scene, I'm really happy with how it turned out. Hope you enjoy this next chapter as well as we're sort of launching into the final stage of the fic, the Doctor facing up to her trauma. I was trying to structure it along the five stages of grief and she's come out the other side now, accepting that she needs help and that there is trauma to deal with. I hope that sort of came across, that that's what I was trying to do lol. Remains for her to face up to it and make sense of what happened to hopefully move on eventually! :)  
> Please let me know what you think :D

**Charter 9: Answers**

“River?“ River looked up from the controls when the Doctor said her name. She stood a few yards from her, hands in coat pockets, staring at her feet. The Tardis had launched into the time vortex and they were alone again, just the two of them.

“Yes?“ River questioned, taking note of just how adorable she looked like this. As hot as the waistcoat had been, she much preferred her like this.

“I’m… really sorry… about everything.“ The Doctor mumbled.

“I know my love, you said.“ River replied softly, leaning against the console. “I said it was fine.“

“It wasn’t fine…“ The Doctor shook her head, her blonde hair like a vail masking her expression. That was when River realised her was crying.

“Oh, darling…“ She said and made her way over to her.

“Can we… can we just… talk? I think I need to talk…“ The Doctor sobbed, and River pulled her into her arms holding her close.

“Of course we can talk.“ She soothed her, stroking her hair. “Talking will help.“

“It hurts, River, feeling all this, it hurts.“ The Doctor buried her face in the crook of her wife’s neck.

“And it’ll keep doing that for a while. But it will get better.“ River kissed the side of her head.

“I don’t know how to be myself anymore.“ The Doctor closed her eyes and inhaled her wife’s scent, something familiar that grounded her, something that made her happy regardless of the circumstances.

“You just take it one step at a time, day by day.“ River stroked her hair. “You’ve taken a really big step already, you defeated the Daleks. Again.“

“And I nearly started another war, and tried to kill myself.“ The Doctor half laughed half cried.

“Technicalities.“ River chuckled.

“There is more to it than the prison…“ The Doctor admitted as she pulled away to be able to look at her.

“How so?“

“Before the Jadoon took me there, I was on Gallifrey… with the Master. And I found out something about myself that… really made me struggle when I was in there and I think it’s the reason why I’m struggling to get back to who I am, who I’m meant to be or… I don’t know… I don’t know who I am. What if I’m actually this horrible person that I was turning into and I just didn’t realise it? What if that’s who I am and…“ The Doctor was starting to ramble, her thoughts tumbling over each other, making her head spin.

“Slow down, Love, explain.“ River interrupted her, before she could work herself up more.

“I… I’m not a Timelord, River, it’s all lies…“ The Doctor said with surprising clarity.

“How do you mean?“ River asked slightly confused.

“Didn’t I - I mean future-me - have I not told you?“ The Doctor asked, part of her had hoped she wouldn’t need to explain now.

“You didn’t tell me anything, clearly cause you knew we would be having this discussion now…“ River half smiled, encouraging her to keep talking. She knew it would be hard for her, but starting to face up to these things was the first step to dealing with her trauma.

“Right… I suppose that’s better…“ The Doctor mumbled, knowing that if she wanted to make sense of things, this was how she had to go about it.

“What do you mean by you’re not a Timelord?“ River made her sit down. They had all the time in the universe, as the Tardis started flying endless loops through the vortex to give them the time they needed. The Doctor told River everything. Everything the Master had done and said. Everything the timelords had done. Everything she had seen in the Matrix. And when she was done, River carried her to bed, emotionally and physically spent, where they both fell into a deep sleep.

——

When the Doctor woke up, it was the first time she found herself next to her sleeping wife since Darillium. Everything was quiet around them, apart from the distant even humming sound of the Tardis. It was also the first time since Darillium she actually felt relaxed. In the silence of their bedroom, all their troubles seemed far away. The Doctor wanted nothing more than to be able to hold on to that feeling, after the emotional rollercoaster ride she had been through. She knew she couldn’t hide in here forever. She wanted to find a way forward and move on but for the moment, she was content to just stay in this little bubble universe of their own. She leaned up a little to look at River who lay on her side, her back turned to the Doctor. Her wife was still fast asleep, she could only imagine the emotional drain on her after everything she had put her through. She couldn’t shake that feeling of guilt and shame at the things she had said to her, but she hoped some good would come out of it in the end. If she had learned something from this experience, it was that she couldn’t maintain this image of perfection and deity; being the timeless child did not elevate her, it made her more incomplete and lost. Maybe she could find some answers with River’s help.

She looked at River again and brushed her hair off her neck, before wrapping her arms around her and placing soft kisses there. River smiled, slowly coming round.

“Well, that’s how I like to be woken up…“ She mumbled and the Doctor smiled into her neck.

“I remember…“ She chuckled and kissed a bit higher, just underneath her earlobe as she recalled many similar mornings on Darillium. River hummed in confirmation grabbing hold of her wife’s arms around her, keeping her in place. She felt like she deserved this moment, before they faced the outside world again. The Doctor’s arms felt strong and steady around her. It gave her security to know that this was something she was still sure about, even if everything else in her life had been turned upside down.

“How are you feeling?“ River asked softly.

“Fine.“ The Doctor answered and for the first time since this adventure had started, it was the truth. River smiled.

“Ready to face the day?“

“Not remotely.“ The Doctor chuckled and snaked her hand underneath her wife’s shirt. They hadn’t really had the energy last night to get changed, so it had been a matter of trousers and bras off and into bed. There were few outfits the Doctor found her wife more attractive in, than just pants and a silky blouse. Her other hand pushed lower brushing against the soft fabric of her pants between her legs. River took in a sharp breath as the Doctor ran her fingernails over her breast. River buckled her hips instinctively against her hand. “I don’t think I’ve said sorry properly yet…“ The Doctor mused, moving her fingers in lazy circles.

“I think you’re right…“ River mumbled with a soft moan. She turned a little to be able to look at her, she raised her hand to cup her wife’s cheek. The expression of love and devotion in the Doctor’s eyes made her hearts flutter.

“Promise me, you won’t give up on me, River…“ The Doctor whispered, her voice faltering for a moment as her insecurity shone through. She didn’t know what the future had in store and whether she would ever be the same again, but she knew she needed her.

“Never.“ River answered with unshakable determination and leaned up to kiss her.

“Good.“ The Doctor smiled, as her expression changed from insecure to flirty. “Now…“ She pushed River onto her back and climbed on top of her. She straddled her hips and slowly unbuttoned her wife’s shirt. “I’m really, really…“ She kissed down her chest with every word and every button she undid. “…sorry for what… I put you through.“ 

“I think I can be persuaded to forgive you.“ River hummed, as a familiar sort of heat rose though her body, fuelled by every kiss, every touch of her hands.

“I will work for it…“ The Doctor retorted in a sultry voice as she got off her and pulled her pants down.

“You’re most certainly forgiven…“ River groaned, when her wife settled between her legs and pushed her tongue into her. “Always and completely forgiven…“ 

——

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?“ River asked looking across the Tardis console at her wife.

“I’m ready to move on.“ The Doctor answered. She couldn’t guarantee that she was emotionally ready or prepared, but she was certain she wanted to face her trauma head on.She knew there was no way around it. River nodded and the Tardis returned them to the Jadoon prison. It materialised just outside it and the Doctor turned on a screen to look out. River was relieved to see that she wasn’t going to dangle out of the Tardis again.

“Are you okay?“ River asked, when the Doctor remained silent, just watching the screen.

“Yeah… it’s just weird to see it from this angle, in all my time there, I never managed to see the outside of it… In all my elaborate escape plans, I never even made it out of the cell…“

“If it makes you feel any better, there wasn’t much to see…“ River tried her best to keep it light but still placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. She brought up the blueprints of the prison on screen as the Tardis scanned the rock. It was a maze of corridors and cells. There was very little of anything else. There were no communal areas and such, there was no need when prisoners served their entire sentence in as little as a few days, thanks to clever time engineering. “Look at this.“ She pointed to the readings that were displaying on screen.

“Individual time fields.“ The Doctor realised, leaning in closer. Every single cell seemed to be engulfed by its own field. It forced the realisation on her that River had been right all along. While she had experienced centuries, she would have only been in there for a few weeks.

“Looks like they have one in every cell, time passes differently inside and outside of it.“ River said, and pointed to the screen. “In our time, the Tardis came to find me straight after the Jadoon teleported you off board. I came to get you straight away. In real time a few weeks have passed at the most by the looks of you but your mind, your experience of it could have been hundreds of years, your estimation is all we have to go by.“

“It’s cruel.“ The Doctor said quietly, trying her best to shake off the shudder of cold that ran through her at the memory of it all.

“It’s good business. It saves time and money. Hundreds of years of a prison term served in a few weeks, think about the upkeep you save, how many more prisoners you can take and the psychological effect is the same…“ River couldn’t help but be impressed.

“Are you actually impressed?“ The Doctor noticed slightly amused, despite the seriousness of the situation.

“Just a little bit. Stormcage was a bit outdated.“ River shrugged.

“River Song, you are unbelievable.“ The Doctor actually laughed, shaking her head at her wife.

“Let’s get this over with and if there is time, steal that technology, it will fetch a good price.“ River grinned, it almost felt like they were going on any old adventure. She tried not to overthink the implications of this trip.

“How about we destroy it instead?“ The Doctor suggested.

“Spoilsport.“ She pointed to the screen as it zoomed in on what looked like the core of the astroid. “Let’s go an talk to management.“ Without either of them having to set coordinates, the Tardis jumped into action. It seemed like she was eager for some answers too.

“Why, hello there.“ River stuck her head out of the Tardis, all eyes around the room on her. The prison staff were thoroughly baffled by the blue box appearing in the surveillance office. There was stunned silence as they all turned towards the newcomers.

“What…“ A man to the left got up from his chair, exchanging worried glances with his coworkers.

“Surprise audit.“ The Doctor said as they both stepped out of the Tardis when there was no immediate danger. “Health and safety.“ She flashed her psychic paper to the man on the left who gave the impression of being in charge.

“Security?!“ He called called out, apparently not even the psychic paper could manage that big a stretch. Another person reached for what looked like a panic button.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.“ River was quick to pull out her gun and point it at them. “We’re just passing through, there is no need for anyone to get hurt.“ Everyone froze, some even raised their hands. Clearly these people had very little to do with keeping actual prisoners in check, they were office staff.

“Who are you.“ The man to their left asked.

“Who’s in charge here?“ River responded with a question of her own.

“Management is a couple of rooms over, this is the surveillance room…“ He answered slowly. Maybe he could convince them to leave and take their gun with them.

“That’ll do nicely, we don’t need to speak to anyone, just look at the footage and go…“ The Doctor didn’t want to spend anymore time here than absolutely necessary. The room was nothing like the cell she had been in, but the air… The artificial air circling through the vents, it was exactly the same. The artificial gravity, that was just a little bit off Earth standard… her chest felt tight all of a sudden. River could tell from the look on her wife’s face that she was struggling and she realised they needed to move faster.

“What’s your name?“ River turned back to the guy to their left, she figured it would be easier to just deal with one person.

“Doug.“

“Hello Doug, I’m sure you want us out of your hair so let’s cut to the chase. Do you have records of the prisoners?“ She asked, tilting her head.

“Well, yes.“ He shrugged sounding confused, as if it was the most stupid thing he’d heard all day.

“Good. Then bring up whatever you have on The Doctor.“ River smiled pleasantly.

“What? I can’t just…“ He protested and she moved her gun to point at him now.

“Should be easy enough to find. You won’t have many Timelords in your files.“

“You’re the one that disappeared!“ Another office worker, a woman to their right realised.

“Very perceptive for a surveillance clark.“ The Doctor couldn’t help the sarcastic response.

“And you’re the one that broke her out!“ The Doug exclaimed as the penny dropped.

“Yes, well done for catching up. Now about that file…“ River wiggled her gun a little to make her point. “I’m trying really hard not to kill everyone in this place, for what you let happen to her. So I suggest you do as I say and don’t give me a reason to do just that.“

The Doctor couldn’t tell if River was bluffing, she certainly seemed dead serious and the surveillance staff seemed to believe her as the clark started typing on his keyboard. Seeing River acting fierce and protective made her feel rather hot all of a sudden.

“The file is redacted.“ Doug said as he brought it up on screen. “You won’t get much from that.“

River leaned forward and skimmed over the information. Known as: The Doctor. Name: Unknown. Age: Unknown. Species: Unknown. Crime: Unknown. Sentence: Unknown. Cell number: 246. Time field factor: 1:25.

“Well that’s helpful…“ River huffed. “What does 1:25 mean?“

“The physical to mental passing of time…“ Doug answered reluctantly.

“One to twenty-five what? Days?“ River frowned.

“One day to twenty-five years…“ The Doctor mumbled, going by her experience. The uncomfortable silence all round only confirmed it. River ground her teeth. So the Doctor had been right, she had spent hundreds of years in total isolation. Her grip tightened around her gun. She was determined to make these people pay for what they had done to her.

“Don’t River… it wasn’t them…“ The Doctor put her hand on her wife’s shoulder, sensing her agitation.

“Well, I for one can’t wait to find out who it was.“ River growled. “Bring up video footage of that cell.“

“Can you be anymore specific than that?“ The chief clark asked, he was beginning to realise that it was in their best interest to get this over with quickly.

“From whenever you let people in to beat the hell out of me.“ The Doctor interjected.

“Need I remind you who is holding the gun? My finger is getting twitchy.“ River snapped.

Reluctantly he brought up video footage. It was very dark and difficult to make out. River leaned in closer, as did the Doctor. They both needed answers. The Doctor was there, lying on the ground, asleep by the looks of it, when two figures teleported into the cell. There was no door so it was the only way of getting inside. They had their backs turned to the camera. How convenient.

“Is there sound?“ River asked.

“Wakey wakey, Doctor.“ A female voice said on screen, answering River’s question. The Doctor seemed to stir but barely. Apparently, she wasn’t waking up quickly enough for their taste because the next moment, the other figure gave the Doctor a kick. River took in a sharp breath, and the Doctor grabbed onto her arm, almost to reassure her that she was okay. She had never actually told River about what exactly had happened. River’s hand tightened around the hilt of the gun. Anger rose inside her while she watched the events unfolding on screen.

“Who are you?“ The Doctor’s voice was feeble on screen, she sounded scared. River couldn’t be sure how far into the Doctor’s stay it was to work out how long an isolation she had already experienced.

“Old friends. We’ve just come for a quick chat. If you give us our answers we might even be able to get you out of here.“ A male voice answered.

“You’re responsible for bringing me here?“ The Doctor realised, sounding dazed and confused still.

“Well, the Jadoon did, actually. And we had already given up hope, you have been so elusive, Doctor. We didn’t expect them to bring back such an old version of you, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.“ The female replied.

“I won’t be answering anything. You are some of them, aren’t you, the ones that were hunting Ruth… I mean me. You were hunting me way back when I don’t even remember.“ The Doctor on screen clambered backwards a little, trying to get to her feet.

“See, you do know what we’re talking about.“ A smile was almost audible in the female’s voice.

“I have no idea who you are, or what you want, but stay away from me.“ The Doctor held out her hand, her voice louder, growing agitated.

“That is no way to talk to old friends.“ The male chuckled.

“I don’t know you.“ The Doctor insisted shaking her head.

“I don’t know what sort of game you’re playing, but you better stop playing dumb, we can do this the hard way, too.“ Without warning the female struck her across the face with a heavy blow, throwing her off balance and splitting her lip. The Doctor was dazed for a moment.

River tried her best to keep her composure but her hearts were racing, she tried to take slow and even breaths but to no avail. She had been determined to be a good example to the Doctor - now that she had talked her out of her destructiveness - but she expected that she wouldn’t be able to restrain herself should she come across these people. She glanced at the Doctor only to realise she had gone very white. Her eyes were fixed on the screen, her expression distraught, the memories came flushing back. Was this a good idea to re-watch this? The needed answers but River suddenly felt very worried for her wife.

The Doctor couldn’t think clearly. It was as if the room they were in melted away around her and she was back in her cell, confronted by her attackers, reliving every moment. Every question. Every blow and kick when she couldn’t answer. She remembered getting to a point where she wished she could tell them what they wanted to know, just to make it stop.

“Stop the recording, stop it!“ River’s voice seemed to come from far away. She felt her hand on her shoulder, giving her a shake. “Doctor!“ River pulled her head around, away from the screen, her hand on her cheek. With a start, the Doctor’s focused snapped back to reality. Her breathing was laboured, she blinked away tears, she stared at River utterly confused, alarmed at the concern in her wife’s eyes. “You’re okay, Doctor, it’s over. You’re safe.“ River insisted. The Doctor couldn’t speak, she just wiped her face and nodded. “Just find an angle where we can see their faces, that’s all we need.“ River snapped at Doug, as if blaming him personally for her wife’s distress. River grabbed hold of the Doctor’s hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You’re safe.“ She repeated firmly.

“Well, I wouldn’t go as far as all that.“ A female voice sounded that made the Doctor’s hearts nearly stop. The Doctor and River whipped around to see two figures in the doorway, accompanied by several Jadoon guards. “What a lovely surprise.“ The woman grinned, as the guards raised their rifles.


	10. All this, for what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello fam! :) Update time! As always, thank you for your feedback, much appreciated! <3 Confession up front, it maaaay end up being 12 chapters in the end. This - again - ended up longer than intended pushing the story back a bit. :D But I'm not sure yet so I'm leaving it at 11 for now. It occurred to me that in the last chapter I didn't specify that the guards are Jadoon, I went back and clarified that now but just so you're not confused now haha!   
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this! I'm not 100% happy with the action elements, I feel like that's something I need to work on but I hope it comes across well enough! :)

**Chapter 10: All this, for what?**

“Thank you for saving us the trouble of chasing you down again, very thoughtful of you to come back.“ The Man smirked. River could tell immediately that they were Timelords. They looked human but had that insufferable air of superiority about them. She could virtually sense the regenerative energy on them.

“Who are you?“ River demanded to know through gritted teeth. She liked to know the names of the people she killed and these two were top of the list. She didn’t need to be told that these were the people that had been in the cell with her wife, the Doctor’s face said it all. She had gone incredibly white and quiet. Protectively, River pulled her behind herself and raised her gun at the Timelords.

“I hope you’re in a more talkative mood this time around.“ The Woman said, completely ignoring River. The Jadoon, however, did not. They shouted at her to drop her gun. River hesitated. She knew full well her one gun would not be enough. She was a good shot but this was pushing it. 

“Who’s your little friend, Doctor?“ The Woman asked.

“I’m her wife, actually.“ River shot back in her stead.

“A human, Doctor? _Really_?“ The female Timelord laughed patronisingly. “And you’re hiding behind _her_?“

“Drop your gun, Human, or you will die. You’re expendable.“ The Man said.

“Do it, River.“ The Doctor whispered, grabbing hold of River’s free hand. She knew they weren’t bluffing and there was no way River could take them all. River took a deep breath to maintain her composure, and dropped her weapon to the floor.

“Such a good girl.“ The Woman chuckled.

“What do you want?“ The Doctor asked calmly, and tucked at her wife’s hand to pull her back a little so she wasn’t standing in front of her anymore.

“Answers.“ The Man said.

“I have none to give you.“ The Doctor shrugged. They should really know that considering they hadn’t managed to beat anything out of her. And they had certainly given it their all.

“What exactly is it you want to know about?“ River interjected, wanting to get some answers of her own.

“Speak when you’re spoken to, Human. Don’t bud in.“ The Woman shot her an annoyed glance.

“Wow, you’re really patronising.“ River chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief. Who were these people?

“River.“ The Doctor tugged at her hand. They were hopelessly outnumbered, picking a fight was not a good idea.

“You Timelords really are big headed arseholes, aren’t you.“ River carried on, she wanted nothing more than to assault them, and if she couldn’t physically, she would verbally.

“If you value your life, Human, consider your next words carefully.“ The Man growled and took a step towards them.

“River, stop it.“ The Doctor sounded anxious now, and it only made River angrier. She hated the effect they seemed to have on her.

“No, Doctor, I won’t, actually. I want to know what they think gives them the right to treat you the way they did. I think _all_ of us would like some answers.“ River took a step forward, meeting the male Timelord halfway. She wasn’t scared despite the numerous guns pointed at her head. “What is it you actually want to know?“

“Your _wife_ has stolen something.“ The Man said tilting his head, amused that she seemed to have no idea what this was about. “And we have been tasked with retrieving it.“

“But I don’t remember what it’s even supposed to be, never mind where I left it.“ The Doctor pressed through gritted teeth. She couldn’t believe they still didn’t understand what she was saying. She didn’t have the information to give them, even if she wanted to.

“What is it she’s supposed to have taken? All this? For what?!“ River gestured around herself to all the Jadoon and laughed. “What could possibly be so damned important?“ She demanded to know, squaring her jaw. Briefly she considered if she could kill the man in front of her with her bare hands.

“You don’t really think we would tell you, do you?“ He chuckled.

“River, it’s no use.“ The Doctor put her hand on her wife’s shoulder trying to pull her back, worried for her safety. “I can’t tell them what they want to know.“

“Maybe we just haven’t had the right incentive.“ The Woman mused with a mad sort of tinkle in her eye. “Seize her.“ She ordered the guards. Two Jadoon lunged for River.

“Get off!“ River growled as she grabbed her arms. She managed to shake one of them off and threw a punch into the other’s face cracking his horn. A shot rang out and River screamed. The energy charge struck her thigh, leaving a nasty burn, her leg gave way and she just about caught herself kneeling on the other. “Fuck.“ River cursed breathing through the pain.

“Warning shot, you won’t get another.“ The male Timelord handed back the laser rifle to a soldier.

“River!“ The Doctor rushed forward but two Jadoon guards grabbed hold of her arms and held her back. “Let go!“ She shouted but she didn’t have the strength or fighting expertise to free herself.

“What are you going to do, Doctor? Hm?“ The Woman asked with a smirk as she walked over to River who was struggling to get back on her feet, wincing the moment she tried to put weight on her injured leg. The woman grab River’s jaw as if to have a better look at her. River slapped her away to which the female Timelord grabbed her hair and pulled her forward and down. River couldn’t catch herself, she crashed back onto her knees. “Stay down.“ The Timelord hummed and River cursed under her breath, shaking in pain and anger.

“Get away from her!“ The Doctor shouted and struggling against the guards. There was the rage again, she was furious. It was one thing when they attacked her, it was another to hurt her wife. She would make them pay for it. “I swear, if you touch as much as a hair on her head again…“ She managed to pull one arm free and grabbed her sonic from her pocket, the only thing she could reach. She pointed and disabled the weapons all-round. It was something.

“Out. Everybody out!“ The male Timelord shouted at the guards and surveillance workers alike as they were surplus to requirement with ineffective weapons.

“Do you have some fight in you after all?“ The Woman grinned as the soldiers stepped away from the Doctor who was breathing heavily, her hands balled to fists, shaking with anger. “You were such a sorry sight last time… Such a disappointment. This is more like it.“ The Woman pulled what looked like a hunting knife from within her coat. “Come on now, Doctor. If you want wifey to live, I suggest you start talking.“

“I don’t know what to tell you.“ The Doctor insisted, her hearts picking up speed, as the Woman used her knife to flick River’s curls back over her shoulder. 

“You’ve had plenty of time to think, Doctor. How were the last three hundred years, hm? Got bored? Did you figure out where you left it?“ The Woman asked tilting her head.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.“ The Doctor shot back but she didn’t dare move. The knife was dangerously close to her wife’s throat.

“Of course you do, Doctor. How about it? Do you want another few hundred years to think? Cause that can be arranged at no great pain to us.“ The Man said.

“I’m going to make you pay for what you did to her.“ River growled.

“Shush human pet, the grown ups are talking.“ The Woman patronisingly patted her head.

“Do you have a thing for humans, Doctor? What do you do when they die? Do you just get a new one? Can’t be difficult.“ The Man asked in amusement.

“You seriously need to shut up.“ The Doctor took a threatening step forward, her darker instincts taking over her. Slowly she started circling around, she needed to be able to see River’s face to make sure she was okay. The two Timelords mirrored her movements, keeping River in between the Doctor and themselves. River took a deep breath. As much as she felt relieved to see her wife and the reassuring, steely determination in her eyes, she didn’t like not being able to the see what the Timelords were doing, now behind her.

“Are you getting angry? How exciting. Did we strike a nerve?“ The woman chuckled.“Humans are just so… fragile though…“ River felt the cool steel of the blade pressing against her cheek. “They bleed so easily.“ She winced when she nicked the skin.

“You’re going to bleed easily when I kill you with that.“ River groaned through the pain of the deliberately slow cut up her cheek.

“STOP IT!“ The Doctor shouted, her eyes wide with fear and fury. 

“Then tell us where is it is, Doctor!“ The Man shot back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, have you not been paying attention?“ The Doctor exclaimed.

“Stop acting dumb, where is it?“ The Woman pressed on.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.“ The Doctor shouted again. “I haven’t got my memories.“

“She’s lying, she has to be.“ The Man said.

“We’re not playing nice anymore. Last chance, tell us or your little human dies.“ The Woman pressed the knife to River’s throat. River tried her best to keep her composure, keep absolutely still, she didn’t dare taking too deep a breath. She met the Doctor’s eyes trying to reassure her that it was okay, that she wasn’t scared.

“Let go of her and you can keep me.“ The Doctor took a step forwards bargaining now, trying her best to defuse the situation the only way she knew how. They were in control, there was nothing she could do.

“You’d give yourself up for your little human?“ The Woman grimaced.

“Let go of her, I’m not lying. My memories where wiped. Please. Believe me, I can’t give you any answers.“ The Doctor insisted. “Don’t you think by now I would have told you if I could?“

“What if she’s telling the truth?“ The Woman looked at her partner, they seemed to have reached the end of the line.

“She can’t be.“ He shook his head.

“She’s telling the truth, God damnit.“ River huffed. 

“Easy way to find out, we take her home and have them undo any memory blocks that may or may not be there. And then you will answer our questions.“ The Woman looked back at the Doctor again.

“You can restore my memory?“ The Doctor stared back at her in disbelief.

“If there is a block it can be undone. If it was wiped, it’ll be stored somewhere, we don’t just throw knowledge away, either way we will be having our answer.“ The Man said.

“Stop wasting time, let’s get to our Tardis.“ The Woman decided it was their best bet at this point, and she let go of River who took a deep breath of relief.

“What about the human.“ The Man gestured at River who touched her hand to her throat. “We don’t need her.“

“True.“ She shrugged, grabbed River’s shoulder and rammed the knife into her back all the way up to the hilt. River’s eyes widened in shock, she barely even felt the pain, it was the expression on her wife’s face that told her something really bad had happened.

“RIVER!“ The Doctor screamed as River slumped to the floor. She bolted forward but the Man stepped in her way and pushed her back.

“Do we have you attention now, Doctor?“ He smirked, as she tried to push past him again, but he was stronger. Tears blurred the Doctor’s vision, River was lying motionless. The Woman stepped over her.

“You’ve lost. Give up and give in. Stop wasting tears on your pathetic human, let’s go home.“

“I’m not going anywhere with you.“ The Doctor sobbed as she stopped struggling. She took a step back shaking her head in disbelief. This was it. It was all over. She might as well give up. She started crying properly now, leaning over on her legs, she felt like she was going to throw up.

“You’re pathetic, where has the anger gone?“ The woman laughed. “At least she had some spunk in her, you’ve turned weak.“

“I refuse to be like you, like any of you.“ She wanted to do River proud, honour her promise, not to give in to the darkness. She couldn’t. What was the point of revenge anyway when everything was lost? She had nothing left to live for with River gone.

“Spare us. Let’s go.“ The Man grabbed her by the shoulder.

“Get your hands off her.“

The Timelords whirled around but River had the element of surprise. She smashed her elbow against the Man’s temple with full force. He tumbled to the floor dazed. The Woman had a moment to react and threw a punch that River warded it off and delivered a blow to her jaw. The Woman stumbled and River kicked her legs out from under her. The female Timelord smashed to the ground with a winded groan. She tried to roll over to get herself up but River stepped onto her throat keeping her in place, pressing just enough to make her struggle to breath.

“Never assume you’re the smartest person in the room. Or the only one with two hearts.“

The Doctor stared at her wife in shock and relief. How was she up and about? She should be dead. Even - no _particularly_ \- with a second heart maintaining her circulation, she should have bled out.

“River…“ The Doctor whispered, wiping her face to make sure she was seeing things right.

“Feel a bit sluggish with only the one heart, need to get that fixed…“ River took a deep breath and clasped her chest as the adrenaline seemed to wear off. The Woman tired to take advantage and push her off but River pressed down harder. “Don’t. Unlike you I know exactly how to kill a Timelord.“ She looked over to her wife and gave her a wink. “You could say I was born to do it.“ She looked back down at the other woman, feeling an incredible sense of satisfaction. “Now, shall we continue this conversation?“

Suddenly an alarmed blared. River looked around and realised that the male Timelord was not as unconscious as she had initially presumed him. He’d dragged himself over to the work consoles and tripped the alarm. The room would be flooded with Jadoon in a few moments.

“We need to go.“ The Doctor realised this was their only opportunity to escape and it wouldn't be a moment too soon. River’s breaths were becoming noticeably shallower and she wince in pain.

“Gun, Sweetie.“ She grimaced and glanced back to the Doctor who realised what she meant. Quickly she recovered the gun River had been forced to drop earlier, and threw it to her. River caught it and pointed it down at the female Timelord’s head. All she had to do was pull the trigger but just then, the door crashed open. River turned and fired, striking the guards down. She stumbled a little but managed to catch herself. The Doctor realised they were pressed for time, particularly when she saw her wife’s back and the knife still embedded there.

“Let’s go.“ She pointed towards the Tardis.

“Not until I’ve…“ River turned back to the Timelords, determined to have her revenge. This was her opportunity, they were unarmed and at a disadvantage, there was no way of knowing if she would get this chance again. More Jadoon appeared at the door.

“Drop your weapons!“ They shouted and River whipped around again to defend herself but she felt unsteady on her feet now.

“River!“ The Doctor grabbed her hand and pulled her aside, just in time to duck a blast.

“Damnit!“ River exclaimed and clasped her chest, pain shooting through her. She couldn’t maintain this much longer. She stumbled.

“River, we need to go!“ The Doctor caught her. She pulled her wife’s arm over her shoulder to support her as River groaned, struggling to breath now. There was more gunfire and the Doctor used her sonic to disable their weapons again. But more guards kept coming and River grew weaker.

“Stop them!“ The Woman roared struggling to her feet to chase after them but the Tardis doors swung open, welcoming them to safety as the Doctor dragged River inside. The Jadoon rushed after them, but the Tardis flung its doors shut of its own accord and launched into the vortex.

“That was close…“ River groaned, her legs gave way and she collapsed onto her hands and knees, the Doctor was unable to keep her upright any longer.

“Oh God, River.“ The Doctor knelt by her side, her wife was beginning to bleed now.

“I’d hoped the effects would last a bit longer than that…“ River winced, leaning over.

“Effects of what?“ The Doctor asked, as she surveyed the knife still embedded in her back - and heart presumably.

“Emergency medical kit…Miniature temporal distortion field… You didn’t tell me what it was for at the time… but you insisted it would come in handy.“ River explained, she was beginning to feel dizzy.

“Slows the effects of an injury right down… I am clever, aren’t I…“ The Doctor tried to sound amused to hide the fear in her voice, as she realised her wife’s clothes were soaking through with blood.

“Better don’t forget any of this stuff… unless you want another paradox…“ River mumbled.

“Don’t worry, I’m taking notes.“ The Doctor nodded. “You should lie down.“ Before River could fall forward, the Doctor helped her lie down properly on her front. Carefully the Doctor touched her hands to the knife. Should she remove it? Leave it? She had to do something. But how was she going to stem the bleeding or fix her heart?

“I think I’m gonna… need some medical attention.“ River whispered faintly and the Doctor huffed.

“You think?“

“Even if we could stop the bleeding, I can’t live on one heart indefinitely and seeing as I have no regenerations left…“ Her voice trailed off, her eyes fluttering shut.

“River, stay with me!“ The Doctor demanded, suddenly panicked. She shook her but River remained unconscious. Just then, the Tardis landed and the doors swung open. The Doctor looked around and immediately shouted for help. The Tardis had to have taken them somewhere useful.

“Hello?“ Her shouts were answered, several people dressed in medical attire rushed inside the Tardis.

“The Sisters of the Infinite Schism.“ The Doctor realised, talking to herself more than anything else. She recognised the cat-like species that tended to the injured here. She had taken River here once before, after she had give up her regenerations, it was the best hospital in the universe. Clever Tardis. “Please, you need to help her!“ She begged as they crowded around River.

“What happened?“ One of them asked and another rushed off to fetch a gurney.

“She was stabbed. We delayed it with a temporal distortion field but she’s bleeding out.“ The Doctor explained in distress.

“What species is she?“

“Human, no Timelord… I mean… somewhere in between… you have her medical records, she’s been treated here before, her name is River Song.“

“Yes, I remember her. That means you must be the Doctor.“ One of them realised and the Doctor looked over to her, recognising her as one of the nurses that had looked after River during her last stay. It somewhat reassured her.

“Please, you have to save her, I can’t lose her.“ The Doctor insisted, her voice breaking a little. Two more nurses arrived with a gurney.

“We will look after her, you need to step away now.“ The familiar nurse said, and pulled the Doctor back a little, while the others lifted River onto the gurney.

“Pull her files, we need to get her straight to the operating theatre.“ One of them said, and without another word, they rushed her away.

“She’s in good hands, you did the right thing by bringing her here.“ The nurse remained with the Doctor, giving her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. “We have a waiting area for family if you would like to…“

“I…“ The Doctor didn’t know what to say, she just stared at the empty space where River had been lying moments ago. Now, there was just a pool of blood. “I’ll be right there…“ She said almost automatically and the nurse nodded.

“Second door to the left after you exit your ship.“ She explained kindly and gave her shoulder another squeeze, before leaving the Doctor alone in her Tardis. Everything went quiet now that the Doctor was alone, and she remained frozen in place, trying to wrap her head around what had happened. River had been stabbed. River was bleeding out. River could be dying. The Doctor caught sight of her hands, they were stained in her blood as well. She sobbed, her vision blurring and she slumped to the floor. She couldn’t lose her. Not now that she was finally going to get her back. River couldn’t die.


	11. The Guardian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! Thank you for your encouragement, we're on the homestretch now. Like predicated, I'm having to add another chapter so it'll be 12 in the end but I'm pretty confident I can wrap it up properly that way! So here is the penultimate chapter, answers at last! Really hope you like where this is going. <3

**Chapter 11: The Guardian**

The Doctor couldn’t sit still. She paced the waiting room. She sat down. Got up again. Climbed onto the bench. Knelt on it. Sat on it. Crouched on it. Her mind was going at a million miles an hour. She worked through all sorts of scenarios, looking for loopholes in case the surgery was unsuccessful. She could not lose River again. Now that she had returned from the Library and they were finally about to be in sync with each other… She got up again and nearly fell over her coat that got tangled around her feet.

“Doctor?“ A voice drew her attention.

“Yes?“ She looked around to see the nurse from before standing in the doorway. She gave her a kind smile.

“She’s out of surgery, she is alive. Would you like to see her?“

“Will she be okay?“ The Doctor asked after breathing a sigh of relief. Either way. She was alive. That was the main thing.

“For the most part. Let’s talk in the room.“ The nurse offered, gesturing for her to follow.

The nurse led the way through the corridors and soon they arrived in the HDU room they had put River in. The Doctor felt a wave of relief seeing her wife, but also an enormous weight of guilt and pain for seeing all the machines she was hooked up to. She was very pale from the blood loss, and still unconscious by the looks of it.

“Did you manage to fix her heart?“ She asked stepping closer. She took her wife’s hand in hers, unsettled by how cold she felt. She gave her hand a squeeze and surveyed the IV lines, blood infusions and chest drains. She looked incredibly weak and fragile, dependenton the machines to keep her alive.

“Her damaged heart will always be weak but with any luck her other heart will be able to compensate in time. She’s lucky she has two.“ The nurse explained softly, watching her. “There is something else, Doctor…“ She carried on slowly. She wanted to give her time to process what had happened, but there was another pressing concern. She logged on to the computer by River’s bedside and pulled up her files. “We compared her scans to her data from before and noticed something odd… Would you mind having a look?“ She turned back to the Doctor who looked up and nodded. Reluctantly, she let go of River’s hand and walked around the bed while the nurse selected a scan.

“What is that?“ The Doctor stepped up next to her and leaned closer, trying to work out what she was looking at.

“It’s written into her very DNA, a string of numbers. Not dangerous, doesn’t do anything… it’s just there. Like a message…“ The nurse explained and the Doctor frowned. What did this mean? 

“Co-ordinates…“ The Doctor looked around in surprise, River’s voice was weak but clear.

“River…“ She stepped closer to grab hold of her hand again. “You’re awake…“

“Looks like co-ordinates to me…“ River mumbled looking at the screen, she could just about move her head enough.

“How are you feeling?“ The Doctor asked, ignoring her words for the moment.

“Like I was just hit by a train.“ She answered truthfully and tried to sit up.

“Don’t do that.“ The Doctor eased her back down and River obliged, as every bit of movement hurt.

“How is it looking?“ River breathed.

“You’ll be fine.“ The Doctor insisted, trying to sound confident. “In time.“

“ _In time…_ that’s very inconvenient, I have a score to settle.“ River sighed but didn’t argue. Her body ached all over, she could hardly move and she felt incredibly weak.

“Maybe not right this second.“ The Doctor half-smiled, giving her hand a squeeze.

“What was that you were looking at?“ River asked nodding in the direction of the computer.

“We don’t need to worry about that just yet…“ The Doctor shook her head.

“Yes we do, why are there co-ordinates written in my DNA, those weren’t there the last time I was here.“ River argued. She didn’t recall an instance in which this might have happened. It was incredibly unsettling. “Where and when are they?“ Sensing that River would not drop the issue, the Doctor had another look at the screen and frowned. That couldn’t be right, could it? She turned back to her wife unsure how to approach the situation. One step at a time.

“River, what’s the earliest version of me you’ve encountered?“

“You know that, Darling, back when you stole the Tardis… I never let you know it was me of course… you couldn’t know until the Library…“

“Are you sure about that?“ The Doctor asked again, pressing on.

“Yes of course. Why?“ River frowned, confused.

“Because those coordinates… I’ve been there. A bit later but that place… it’s a lighthouse on Earth, it’s where…“ She broke off, trying to organise her thoughts. “This can’t be a coincidence.“

“I’m not following, Sweetie, explain.“ River said shaking her head as much as she could manage. The Doctor just looked back at her feeling equally as clueless about what was going on. River clearly didn’t know how this could have happened, how the message got there and what it could mean. But it looked like it was put there on _purpose_ by someone…

“Can I…“ Slowly, the Doctor let go of River’s hand and raised both her hands to her face instead.

“What are you trying to do?“ River asked confused as her wife carefully touched her fingertips to her face on both sides.

“This should work, you’re the closest natural thing to anyone like me. You’re not an artificially made Timelord, you happened. Just like me. We should be compatible…“ The Doctor mused, voicing her thoughts more than anything else. “I’m going to try something, look into your mind… maybe there is something there about this that you don’t realise is important…“ It was the only thing she could think to do and try right now. River nodded slowly, she trusted her completely and the Doctor smiled a little before closing her eyes and focusing. “Contact.“ She whispered.

River’s eyes fluttered shut as she felt herself drawn into her mind.

_“You have to go now, and I’m sorry, you can’t remember this.“ A woman that River didn’t recognise reached out and River instinctively took a step away in her memory. A colourful shirt, an impressive coat, hair in dread locks and yellow tinted glasses. River tried her best to figure out how she knew her. She looked around and found herself on top of a light house, looking out to sea._

_“I can keep a secret, you don’t have to do that.“ River responded in the memory, looking back at the woman across from her._

_“It’s safer for both of us, we’ll be able to figure it out what the time comes.“ The other woman argued and placed her hands either side of her face, in the same way as the Doctor had done just now._

_“You don't even really know me, what makes you think you can trust me with this?“ River asked._

_“I looked you up, Professor, apparently you’re the person I trust most in this universe so let’s hope I fell for more than a pretty face.“ The woman gave her a smile and a wink._

The Doctor pulled away, stumbled and nearly fell over her own feet. She gasped, her head spinning, she leaned forward onto her legs taking deep breaths to find back to her sense.

“I can’t… get any more than that…“ The Doctor groaned, exhausted with the effort. Those memories had been buried deep.

“Who was that?“ River found her head spinning as well. How did she not remember this encounter? She tried to remember what had happened before and after that, but the harder she tried, the more it slipped away.

“Me. Or so I’ve learned.“ The Doctor answered slowly, straightening up.

“When…“ River looked back at her, confused. She had met so many different version of the Doctor now, it stood to reason that there were many more she didn’t know about. Particularly in light of the Timeless Child revelation and her wife’s missing memories.

“I don’t know, I don’t remember, that was before the memory wipe…“ The Doctor confirmed her suspicion.

“What did she… you… do?“ River couldn’t make sense of the flash of memory.

“She must have wiped or at least buried your memories of this… I’ve done it to others before…“ Only recently, she had had to erase herself from the mind of Ada Lovelace in order to maintain the timeline.

“Do you think this has something to do with what those Timelords are after?“ River asked. It seemed like the only sensible explanation.

“It was that version of me the Jadoon were after the first time I encountered them.“ The Doctor nodded in confirmation. Things were slowly beginning to make sense. It almost sounded as if it was actually River that held the key to whatever it was she had stolen. “She must have done it to help you protect whatever it is they’re after.“ She mused.

“Doctor, this makes no sense.“ River shook her head a little. It wasn’t just the fact that she had no recollection of this, but why would she, of all people, hold the key to whatever was going on here?

“It makes perfect sense. Who was I ever going to trust enough with this? You’re the only one. And she… I… must have realised that.“ The Doctor took her wife’s hand again. Of course River was the only one she would ever trust with something truly important such as this seemed to be. “It’s always you, River, you’re always there, all across my timeline…“ She gave her a soft smile. “Sorry, that must have been draining…“

“It’s fine…“ River mumbled, though a splitting headache had been added to her long list of ailments.

“No, you need to rest.“ The Doctor insisted and raised her hand to her wife’s cheek.

“It’s fine…“ River sighed, though she could hardly keep her eyes open.

“No, really, you do.“ The nurse interrupted now. “I will be back to check on you later. Have some rest, Professor Song.“ She gave the two of them an encouraging smile and left the room.

“It’s okay, darling, I’ll be right here.“ The Doctor climbed onto the bed next to her wife, who was already drifting off to sleep. She wrapped her arm around her, careful with the medical equipment all round, and she placed her head onto her chest gently, listening to her two hearts, both beating again, one weaker than the other. It was hard to believe, all these things she’d done for her, the pain and suffering she continued to put herself through, and all for _her_. And things were far from over, it seemed. “You’ll be better when you wake up…“ She promised and pressed a kiss to her sternum before closing her eyes and focusing her energy. Slowly the golden hull of regeneration energy started to engulf them. She certainly had a lot of it to spare as she had learned.

——

When River woke up she was confused. She recognised the hospital room but felt completely fine? How much time had passed? Had she lost some more memories? She looked around and spotted the Doctor curled into her side on the bed next to her. Slowly she started remembering what had happened. Why did she feel as well as she did? There was no pain, no more shortness of breath… Careful not to wake the Doctor, she pushed her blanket down and lifted up her hospital gown to look at her injured leg. When she felt absolutely no pain there either, she lifted up the bandage a little. The burn was nearly completely healed and that couldn’t have been accomplished in the space of a night. How long had she been asleep for? What had happened? She looked back at her wife. She looked extremely tired, drained even… The Doctor stirred, despite River’s best efforts to leave her to sleep.

“How are you feeling?“ She mumbled, still half asleep, squinting against the light.

“Better than you look. Surprisingly.“ River answered, her voice completely clear and strong.

“Hm… that took more out of me than I thought, I might need a few more hours…“ The Doctor sighed, nuzzling back into her wife’s side.

“What did you do?“ River frowned, sensing she wouldn’t like the answer.

“Fixed you…“ The Doctor smiled to herself.

“Doctor, you didn’t…“ River sat up properly and her wife’s head dropped onto the mattress.

“Timeless Child, remember? Plenty of regenerative energy to go around.“ The Doctor explained, turning onto her back. Before River could protest, a voice from the doorway caught their attention.

“Professor Song, you’re awake.“ The nurse smiled.

“Yes, and apparently magically healed…“ River gave her wife’s arm a slap. She shouldn’t be wasting her energy like this. The nurse frowned a little, confused, and stepped closer. She looked at the readings on the computer and used her stethoscope to listen to her hearts.

“Extraordinary.“ She marvelled, astounded. River was completely fine. Her wounds were nearly fully healed, her hearts were beating evenly. She began unhooking her from the machines, the tubes were merely in the way of the healing process now.

“I’m sorry, I just… I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay in one place for too long in case they come looking for us again…“ The Doctor explained and sat up slowly, she neglected to mention that she also couldn’t stand the sight of River’s broken body. “There is somewhere we have to be.“ She ran her hand through her hair and rubbed her face, trying to make herself wake up a bit more.

“The lighthouse?“ River concluded and thanked the nurse once she had freed her of all the medical equipment.

“It’s our best lead. We have to do something. I’m not going to wait for them to come chasing after me again. I want answers.“ The Doctor confirmed and swung her legs out of bed.

“What do you think is there?“ River asked.

“We need to find out.“ The Doctor got up and nearly fell over, her legs felt rather weak, she realised she would have to take it slow. Feeling River’s eyes on her, she straightened up, trying to hide the physical drain. She turned back to look at her with a half-smile. “Let’s get you a change of clothes and be on our way.“

“Are you sure you’re okay?“ The Doctor asked watching River as she walked up to the Tardis console. There was no evidence of her grave injuries now.

“I feel half my age right now.“ River chuckled as she input the coordinates she had memorised. “How about you though?“ She turned back to look at her, she couldn’t hide the concern from her eyes.

“Pretty much replenished.“ The Doctor answered with a shrug. She was slowly getting there and she had no intention of worrying her. She had given her enough grief over the last few days to last several lifetimes.

“Are you sure about this?“ River nodded towards the console and placed her hand on the lever to set them going.

“Definitely.“ The Doctor nodded feeling determined. She could feel they were finally reaching the conclusion of the wild goose chase this adventure had been. The finish line was in sight.

——-

“This is rather pretty.“ River observed looking around, breathing in the fresh sea air. She looked over to the lighthouse. It looked vaguely familiar but the memories of her trip here were missing. All that remained was the distant image of this place and a flash of another version of the Doctor. Meanwhile _her_ Doctor scanned the surrounding area.

“Nothing out of the ordinary.“ She commented returning her sonic to her coat pocket. “Let’s head inside.“ 

The inside looked exactly as it had when she had visited with Ruth. Everywhere was abandoned and dusty, sheets thrown over the remaining furniture and boxes everywhere. River ran her fingertips over the mantle piece. Judging by the dust, this place had been abandoned for a long time.

“Anything stand out to you?“ The Doctor asked, watching her wife as she made her way around the lighthouse, looking around for clues.

“Let’s go upstairs.“ River looked up the long spiral staircase, it felt like something was calling to her, wanting her to climb the stairs. “Follow the light…“ She mumbled to herself almost without realising it. The Doctor recognised the absent look in her eyes, similar to Ruth. Slowly she followed her up the staircase. They looked out to sea once they reached the top. The tide was in. It was a sunny day but the wind bore a certain chill. River took a deep breath, the sense of familiarity was overwhelming. The Doctor watched her turn towards the large beacon in the centre of the lantern room which was covered by a blanket.

“In there?“ The Doctor ask when she didn’t say anything. She just stepped closer to the light source. The Doctor pulled out her sonic and scanned it. Instantly, it became obvious that it was not what it seemed. She pulled the blanket off. The beacon looked every bit the antiquated light source it was meant to be, but that was just the outward appearance. “That’s a very sophisticated locking mechanism… bio encryption…“ She mused looking at the scan results and back at the beacon.

“Let me have a look…“ River offered, feeling drawn to it. Somehow she just knew she would be able to open it. It was the only thing that made sense.

“Be my guest.“ The Doctor said and watched as River placed her hands against the beacon. The light sources reacted instantly to her touch and revealed its true appearance. It was a sort of safe. “Well, if our Timelord friends had succeeded in killing me, they would never have got to this by the looks of it…“ River chuckled, her fingers flew across the keypad almost on their own accord. No more memories had returned, but she somehow just knew what to do. The safe unlocked.

“What do you think it is?“ River asked, thoroughly underwhelmed as she pulled out a small metal case. The Doctor stepped closer to her and she unclipped the case and opened it. The content didn’t exactly give much away either. There were several vials and data storage discs. There was also a little note that went with it. River picked it up and read “To my wife, my guardian, the essence of what I am.“ In a flash, River’s memories returned. She gasped.

_“They’re coming for me. I cleared it all out. All the information, the research, it’s on these discs and those vials, they're the last DNA samples.“ The Doctor closed the safe as River looked on. “They won’t be able to do it again without this or without me and I have no intention of going back.“_

_“Sure, this is valuable but why would they even need it now? They’re all Timelords now, aren’t they?“ River frowned, trying to work out what was behind all this. The Doctor and their secrets. Here she was again with another version of them._

_“Yes, children are born with this DNA now but if they wanted to create more, or for another reason, they’d need this. Or me. The Division is planning something, I can’t tell you what, for your own safety but believe me, I’m not about to hand them immortality on a platter again. I need you to be the guardian, River.“ The Doctor explained and enabled the cloaking mechanism on the safe._

“I remember…“ River whispered and looked around at her wife who glanced back at her with grave concern. “These are the last pure DNA samples they have of you. And the data about the technology of what they need to give people regenerations… You took it all and hid it here. You - past you - contact me and asked me to be its guardian and then hid the information from me.“ All the memories were back now, all of a sudden everything was clear. The Doctor remained silent, just taking in the information, eying the case that was the reason behind all her suffering.

“You learned about what they did all that time ago… and something about the Division, whoever they are, planning something that you couldn’t allow to happen…“ River carried on, trying to explain as best as she could.

“What exactly are they planning?“ The Doctor finally asked. The people that had come after her, they had to be Division operatives, like Gat had been.

“You didn’t say…“ River replied slowly. “What do you think it could be?“

“I don’t know…“ The Doctor shrugged, but it was clearly bad enough for her past self to flee Gallifrey over.

“Do you want to find out?“ River asked carefully, trying to read her wife’s expression.

“What I do know is that I would quite like my memories back… then things would be so much clearer. No more stumbling in the dark, just the truth. They said they could restore them…“ The Doctor mused.

“Doctor…“ River frowned, sensing where this was going.

“No, hear me out. Now we have what they’re after, we can bargain with them…“ The Doctor turned towards her.

“Doctor, there must be a reason for why your past self took this and hid it away and went to such lengths to protect it.“ River retorted firmly. “We can’t just give this to them.“

“I’m not saying that, of course we can’t hand it over, but we might be able to trick them if they think we will… I have to try.“

“You’re playing with fire, we only barely got out of there and you want them to mess around with your head?“ River warned her sternly. Never, in a million years, would she trust them enough to allow them access to her wife’s consciousness.

“If it’s too risky, I won’t do it, but I have to try at least, River. Don’t you see that? If there is a way I can get my memories back, if I can somehow make sense of all this… I need this.“ She almost pleaded. This wasn’t just about solving this mystery, it was about her. Her very existence. All those nagging questions she had been struggling with. It was about finding herself again and figuring out who she was. So much more was at stake here. She needed the memories, for herself.

“Only on our terms then, no risks. And if there is any foul play, I will kill them.“ River took a deep breath. She could tell how important this was to her wife.

“That’s fine with me.“ The Doctor agreed. She took the case and closed it up.


	12. End of the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright Fam, here it is, the final chapter. I will say that this was quite the ordeal to write. I hated the first draft and I'm still not 100% happy with it, I think it's one of those things were you want the ending to be perfect and you big it up so much in your head that you feel like you can never do it justice. So I'm leaving it the way it is now as it ties everything up the way I intended and it's not really gonna get any better if I keep fiddling with it lol. I really hope you like it. I loved writing this fic, it was a lot deeper and more work than anything I've written before and I've really enjoyed the challenge. I'm probably gonna go for writing something lighter after this lol. Anyway, really hope you're happy with the ending. Let me know what you think!

**Chapter 12: End of the line**

“No unnecessary risks, right?“ River confirmed as they popped back into orbit around the Jadoon prison.

“Not doing anything stupid and no explosives this time.“ The Doctor promised. She had timed their return for just after they left from their previous visit. She wanted to be sure the Division agents would still be there. She opened a communication channel to the prison, before she could overthink things any more than she already was. River stepped close to her and placed her hand on the small of her back, offering her support. If this was what the Doctor needed to do, she would help her see it through. Their hail was answered promptly.

“Hello. Us again.“ The Doctor grinned at the clark Doug who looked thoroughly confused but not for long. The two Timelords pushed him aside when they realised who it was.

“Doctor.“ The Woman snarled, her voice full of disgust as she leaned close to the screen.

“Plus one. Still alive, thanks for asking.“ River couldn’t help but interject with great amusement.

“We have come with a proposition.“ The Doctor carried on more seriously, she didn’t want to give them the opportunity to try anything.

“What’s that?“ The Man growled.

“Found something you might be interested in.“ The Doctor said and held up the much sought after case.

“So you _did_ know where it was.“ The Woman barked, looking like she was going to jump through the screen at any moment.

“Not really, bit more complicated than that, but it doesn’t really matter now. We have what you want and you insinuated that you might be able to help me something I want.“ The Doctor tried to play it cool.

“What’s that?“ The Woman demanded to know.

“Restoring my memories.“ The Doctor retorted promptly. “We can make a trade. The technology for my memories.“ She handed over the case to River and leaned onto her console, closer to the screen. “They are mine, I’m entitled to them. Once you have the technology back, you will return to your own time and you will never come for River or myself ever again.“

“Is that all?“ The Woman almost laughed, it seemed too easy.

“You’re so far in my past, I don’t care at this point.“ The Doctor shrugged, trying her best to sound convincing.

“Fine.“ The Woman grinned, though the mad twinkle in her eyes wasn’t exactly encouraging.

“Meeting on neutral ground. Come to Gallifrey in my time, I will transmit coordinates. You run no danger of crossing your own timeline there, unlike me if I met you in the past.“ The Doctor typed a quick message and sent it across.

“Agreed.“ The Man confirmed and the screen went blank.

“I hope you know what you’re doing…“ River ran her hand down her wife’s back and the Doctor sighed. She turned and stepped into her arms in a warm embrace. She just wanted to feel comfortable in her own skin again, comfortable with who she was. She needed to find out who _the Doctor_ really was.

“I hope so, too.“

——

“You’ve never been to Gallifrey, have you.“ The Doctor realised as the Tardis landed on what she had always considered her home planet.

“You should have taken me sooner.“ River confirmed with a half-smile, as she clipped handcuffs around the case on one end and the other around her wrist as one might have done in a Earth gangster movie. She had no intention of having it nicked off her, she was its guardian after all. Precautions were called for, this was one of several.

“I’m afraid it’s not… well, just… don’t expect too much. This is after the last time I been here, everything the Master has done… it’s still…“ She opened the door and they stepped outside into the glaring orange light of the home world of the Timelords. It was all ashes and dust now. One of the greatest civilisations of the galaxy… raised to the ground. It took River’s breath away for a moment and she was at a loss for words. The Doctor slipped her hand into her wife’s seeking both support and to give comfort. The fires had gone out since her last visit, the death particle had rained additional destruction, killing every last living cell on the planet. After the effects had dispersed, all that remained were eery empty ruins and dust.

“My love, I’m so sorry…“ River whispered at a loss for words.

“Me too…“ The Doctor replied softy, giving her hand a squeeze. “Come on…“

“Where are we going?“ River asked a little confused, she expected to just wait for the Timelords to arrive.

“They said if my memories were actually taken, they would be stored somewhere… In their time, my memories hadn’t been wiped yet. They would have to go into their future to retrieve them. I’m not expecting them to do that.“ The Doctor explained. “They will come empty handed. If it’s just a memory block like what I did to you, fine, they should be able to undo it. If it was removed and stored externally, well…“

“You think it’s here somewhere?“ River concluded.

“It must be, if that’s what they did… and I want to find it in case I need their help to re-implant them.“ She explained.

“You want to do that before they get here?“ River frowned. It seemed like a tall order all things considered.

“The coordinates I gave them are a few hours from now.“ The Doctor winked at her and tugged at her hand. “Let’s get going.“ 

——

“What is this place?“ River looked around the large room. No windows, they were under ground.

“The Time Vaults… where they keep the most dangerous weapons… it’s the only place I can think of that would make sense as it wasn’t in the matrix chamber…“ The Doctor explained as she looked around. The Master’s destruction had been minimal here but it looked like the place had been searched top to bottom.

“Looks like someone has had a field day in here…“ River commented, noticing the same thing. Shelves had been cleared, boxes ripped open, paper scattered everywhere.

“Probably the Master looking for toys… all this destruction… had to come from somewhere…“ The Doctor mused as she picked up a pile of papers and flipped through them looking for clues. They would be here a while.

——

“Any joy?“ River asked with a sigh and the Doctor shook her head.

“Nothing…“ They had been searching for hours to no avail

“Looking for something in particular.“ A voice made them jump. They had barely noticed the passing of time.

“Is it that time already?“ The Doctor huffed looking around to see the two Division agents approaching.

“You didn’t show up at the coordinates.“ The Man pointed out and the Woman added:

“But seeing as you were the only two life signs on the planet, you were easy enough to track down. What happened here, Doctor? What happened to Gallifrey?“ They looked around.

“It doesn’t matter now, you can’t change it.“ The Doctor shook her head. She didn’t know how to feel about the destruction now. The Gallifreyans had lied to her, done terrible things and hid her past from her, and yet she felt for them as if they were her own people. The lies did not make the Master’s actions any less horrific. “Best not to dwell on it.“

“If you’re looking for where your memories might be stored, it won’t be here.“ The Woman said at last crossing her arms in front of her chest. She clearly wanted to get on with the matter at hand and leave this eery version of their home. Her eyes fell on River who was holding on to the case. River in turn watched them keenly with her hand around the hilt of her gun.

“No?“ The Doctor asked.

“The Division has its own storage.“ The Man answered. “Follow us.“ He gestured towards a corridor to their right. River and the Doctor exchanged a glance but followed reluctantly.

——

“Cheerful place…“ River commented as they reached their destination. The Doctor had to admit, she didn’t know about this place. It took several hidden passage ways deeper into the Citadel to reach it. It seemed as if not even the Master had made it as far as this, as the room appeared untouched in a very long time. The dust was thick and the air stale. The room was predominately filled with shelves of files but there was one thing that stood out immediately.

“This section of the Matrix contains everything that has been redacted from the main one. All your memories, they will be in here.“ The Woman explained as she pointed to the terminal. “Now, the samples?“

“Am I really supposed to just take your word for it?“ The Doctor raised her eyebrows at them.

“You will have to as I’m not about to hand over our access codes until we have the case.“ The Woman retorted and took a step towards them.

“Not so fast.“ River interjected tightening her grip on the case as she pulled her gun from its holster with the other.

“You are the one that suggested this trade.“ The Man said, addressing the Doctor who eyed the terminal, wondering if she could actually believe them. All the secrets she expected to find there. Probably much more than just her own memories.

“She did. But I’m the guardian. I have final say.“ River shot back.

“You really are a pain, aren’t you.“ The Woman huffed.

“Thank you, I take that as a compliment.“ River smirked.

“I should stab you again, see if you can wiggle your way out of it a second time.“ The Woman growled.

“Enough of this.“ The Man interrupted the bickering. “You won’t be able to access this without our codes. Knowing where the memories are won’t get you anywhere. Hand over the case and we will grant you access and be on our way.“

“You first.“ The Doctor said at last, deciding she had to take the gamble or they would’t get anywhere.

“No chance, hand over the case… Or I destroy the terminal, we have no use for it here, amongst the ashes.“ The Woman had enough. She pulled a laser gun from her goat and pointed it at the terminal.

“Don’t.“ The Doctor took a step towards her, raising her hands to try and appease her.

“In this empty future, it has no value, hand it over the case, Doctor, or I will destroy it.“ The Woman repeated.

“Step away or I will destroy these samples.“ River placed her own gun against the case she was holding. Two could play this game.

“Everybody just stop!“ The Doctor shouted, trying to defuse the situation.

“Make your choice, Doctor, you wanted to make this trade.“ The Woman said.

“What are you planning to do with this?“ The Doctor asked pointing towards the case in her wife’s hand.

“That’s none of your concern.“ The Man retorted.

“I need to know.“ The Doctor insisted, trying to sound reasonable. “Before we hand it over, I need to know.“

“You’ll find out once you have your memories back.“ The male Timelord shook his head.

“It’ll be too late by then!“ River interjected. “There must have been a very good reason for why you went to these length to hide it!“ She couldn’t believe the Doctor was actually contemplating this. Surely she couldn’t be serious. She had promised her that they wouldn't actually let them get their hands on the case but she was beginning to doubt.

“For God’s sake, Doctor, we’re doing this to safe Gallifrey!“ The Woman bellowed in frustration. “Look around yourself, are you happy to accept this?“

“What?“ The Doctor blinked, confused.

“They’re lying.“ River huffed.

“Time and again, our enemies have tried to destroy us. And clearly at some point, they do!“ The Woman shook her head, her expression somewhere between bitter and sad. “We should thank you for showing us this, I’ve never believed in the cause as much as right now. You have to do this, Doctor. For Gallifrey. This is your home, no matter what you believe.“ She tried to appeal to her.

“Tell me how this will help protect Gallifrey and I will hand it over.“ The Doctor said after a moment’s contemplation. Maybe she had been wrong, maybe after all this, there was no evil ploy. Maybe they had the right motives, just heavy handed methods.

“Doctor.“ River exclaimed, shocked at the response.

“Give me the case, River.“ The Doctor turned to look at her and extended her hand.

“Doctor, you can’t!“ River shook her head but her wife wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“Now!“ She insisted and River felt a wave of anxiety wash over her at the cold demanding expression in her eyes. It was the same determination she had seen in her when she had faced down the Daleks. But could she refuse? She had to trust, after all this, that she would make the right choice. That she had found back to herself. Her fingers trembled as she reluctantly unclipped the handcuffs and handed the case over to her. “And your gun.“ The Doctor went on extending her other hand. River hesitated. Giving away her weapon was rendering herself defenceless. The Doctor was not meant to use weapons. Why would she ask this of her? But how could she deny her and weaken her position in this negotiation? She turned her gun in her hand and offered the hilt to her wife. The Doctor took it without another word. She placed the case on the floor halfway and directed the gun at it before taking a step back.

“How will this protect Gallifrey, you’ve seen the destruction. How will you stop that from happening.“ She demanded to know. The two other Timelords exchanged a glance, almost as if trying to decide if honesty was worth the gamble at this point. Secrecy had got them very little and there seemed to be a change in the Doctor’s behaviour that her wife was not comfortable with. They took that as a good sign. 

“By creating an army for Gallifrey. We know of the wars to come, the only way to ensure our survival will be an immortal army. We realise you didn’t like the idea at the time but you’ve seen so much more now, you’ve seen this. You must realise it’s the only way.“ The Woman said at last.

“Ugh! Why? Why did you have to say that?!“ The Doctor exclaimed exasperated throwing her head back with a groan. River felt instantly relieved. “Why couldn’t you have come up with a good solution. You’re just like him. The Master and his army of invincible Cybermen…“ She huffed and ran her hand through her hair, the tension dispersing in a flash.

“Doctor, you wanted to know, you don’t have to agree. It’s none of your concern anyway, like you said, we’re so far in your past what difference does it make now?“ The Man pointed out, disappointed by her response.

“More people will suffer and die. The Time war will be infinitely more bloody…“ The Doctor shot back, considering the implications.

“Not for our people.“ The Woman reasoned.

“You mean _your_ people.“ The Doctor gave back bitterly.

“Enough talking. Make your choice, you wanted your memories back. You suggested this trade.“ The Man pulled out a gun of his own and pointed it at the terminal as well.

“I won’t let that happen, not again.“ The Doctor shook her head, thinking back to Ko Shamus, his sacrifice, her own weakness for not being able to do it herself. Not again. It might not be Cybermen this time around but the effect would be the same. An immortal army. The Timelords had done enough damage during the Time War. No more.

“We’re not bluffing, we will destroy it.“ The Man insisted.

“Do it. Stop talking about it, just do it. I don’t need these memories.“ The Doctor almost laughed at the realisation and the Timelords stared back at her in surprise.

“After all this, you’re turning your back on your past?“ The Man barked in disbelief.

“I think I just learned a lot more about myself than I ever could from those memories.“ The Doctor stated defiantly. What was this actually going to tell her that she didn’t already know? The intrigues of the Timelords, the race that had been used and abused her for their own gain? What did she need those painful memories for? She didn’t want to remember what they did to her all those years ago. It was time to leave the past behind and move forward. From this, from the trauma, from the Timelords. The realisation washed over her like warm summer rain. She turned and handed the gun back to River who took it, feeling an incredible sense of relief. She could see the change in her wife immediately.

“You are lost, Doctor, you don’t even know who you are or where you’ve come from.“ The Woman exclaimed.

“I don’t know where I’ve come from but know exactly who I am.“ She turned back with a grin. “See, you’re so far in my past, it’s you who don’t realise what you’re dealing with. Everybody else does!“ She laughed. “I’ve had so many names since parting ways with you: The Oncoming Storm. The Butcher of Skull Moon. The Destroyer of Worlds… that should scare you. Scares me when I think about it.“ She briefly looked back at River who gave her an encouraging smile. “But I’m not going to let that define me anymore than those memories I lost. If you want to know who _I_ think I am, it’s an idiot in a box!“ She laughed, realising the irony of it all. River looked at her wife in awe, feeling her hearts lighten at the beaming smile that crossed her features. The penny really had dropped.

“Thank you for helping me remember that. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself, in all this, that I genuinely just forgot!“ She explained in excitement while the Timelords looked on with increasing rage. “I don’t want to change the course of the universe or fight for the glory of the Timelords. I just want to help, sticking to some simple rules. Never cruel and never cowardly. I don’t need to know what you lot did to me to be able to do that. I already know who I am: I’m the Doctor.“ She grinned with a tinkle in her eyes and the confidence to turn around an army. “I’ve had many faces and the ones I remember, they’ve done a pretty decent job living up to our name, I won’t be the one to let myself down. And all those other names, they’re other people’s perception. I know who I am and from now on, I will stay true to that. This.“ She gestured towards the terminal. “Won’t teach me anything I don’t already know and it has no hold over me. You Gallifreyans, you really are something… to take a little child and prob and prod her until you get what you deem useful… speaks to your character, I’m glad not to remember any of it. And I won’t let you alter the course of history. River?“ She looked around at her wife with a grin.

“Time to go?“ River smirked, understanding her without words.

“Time to tie things up.“ The Doctor nodded in confirmation.

“Doctor, don’t you dare.“ The Woman exclaimed.

“Oh I won’t, I promised my wife, no more explosives.“ The Doctor turned to leave. The two Timelords stood confused, their eyes on the case that she seemed to have no intention of taking.

“I made no such promise.“ River said and pulled out a remote detonator from her trouser pocket. “Just a precaution.“ She detonated the case and burst into a sprint alongside her wife as the Division vault began to shake, the walls were coming down.

“DOCTOR!“ The Division agents shouted after them, but they didn’t turn back as the ceiling came crashing down behind them.

——

“This is where I leave you…“ They didn’t speak of what the Doctor had inadvertently allowed River to do. It was enough that both of them knew of the consequences of the detonation and they were both at peace with it. River had kept the promise she had made to herself when she had found the Doctor in her cell and the Doctor had kept her promise to River not to give into that particular desire. River had done her part, she had helped the Doctor to where she needed to be to be able to come and rescue her. It was time to let her go.

“I guess so…“ The Doctor didn’t want her to go, but she knew that this was how their timeline carried on.

“For the time being.“ River tried her best to sound encouraging. “I imagine you will be seeing me quite soon.“ She winked at her.

“I should think so.“ The Doctor grinned, still not quite believing the reality of it. They were about to come out the other side. They had completed the circle. They were back on Earth now, ready to pick up the Fam.

“Don’t get things wrong, no more paradoxes.“ River chuckled.

“Count on it.“ The Doctor pulled her into her arms. “Thank you...“ She whispered.

“For what?" River asked, slightly confused.

“Saving me, believing in me, loving me...“ The Doctor buried her face in her curls, she didn't want to look at her, in case her emotions got the better of her.

“You're my wife, what else was I supposed to do?" River chuckled and pressed a kiss to the side of her head as they just held each other for a moment.

“Any plans on where you’re going next?“ The Doctor asked and pulled away, before either one of them could get too emotional.

“All of time and space to chose from… perhaps back home, to the university for a start? We’ll see.“ River winked at her. “But I hope I’ll be seeing you soon, too. Maybe we can go on an actual date once you've sent my past self on her way.“ She started typing coordinates on her vortex manipulator. “See you around.“ She pressed a kiss to her wife’s lips. She didn’t have the heart for a more meaningful goodbye. She didn’t know when she would see her again but she trusted this Doctor would not be able to keep away from her for long. It was time to get some rest while the Doctor had work to do still.

“See you soon, Professor.“ The Doctor smiled against her lips and as she pulled away, River engaged the vortex manipulator and disappeared into thin air.

“Doctor?“ A voice called behind her and the Doctor looked around to see Yaz, Ryan and Graham running towards her. The Doctor grinned, full of excitement. Things were finally going back to normal.

“You’re back!“ Yaz exclaimed.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Fam, fancy a trip?“ She gestured towards the Tardis.

“Absolutely!“ The three of them chanted in unison.

“So what happened after you left? Did you find what you were looking for.“ Graham asked as they made their way inside.

“Yup. Certainly did.“ The Doctor nodded as she walked up to the console.

“What was it?“ Yaz wanted to know.

“Myself.“ The Doctor smiled. “Come on Fam, we have somewhere to be.“

“And where is that?“ Ryan asked.

“A very big library.“ She answered with a grin and pushed down the lever.

——

River took a deep breath. The air in her office felt stale. It hadn’t been used since she had set off on her expedition to the Library. She had timed it so it was only a few weeks since her departure but somehow, looking at this place, it felt like so much longer. She didn’t even realise how tired she was until she slumped into her office chair. She had yet to process everything that had happened, but she was glad she had been able to send the Doctor back on her way. She didn’t know when she would see her again, but she was sure it wouldn't be too long. If need be, she recalled where and when the Tardis had picked her up. But for now, she felt a long soak in the bath and a good night’s sleep was in order.

She left her office and made her way across campus to her flat. With the price of real estate on the moon, it was far cheaper to stay on campus. Particularly if you were a time traveller with a busy schedule. She unlocked the door to her flat, enjoying the peace and quiet. She headed straight for her bedroom, but froze in the doorway. The lamp on the nightstand was on, illuminating the bed and the large box, that sat on top of it. Slowly, River stepped closer and picked up a note that came with the box.

There were coordinates and a single word: “Dinner?“

River grinned and opened the box to find a beautiful dress inside.

END.


End file.
